Witness of Love and Gods
by Del Rion
Summary: Movie fic. Ptolemy told much about Alexander and his life to the generations after, but there are also many stories that shall never be repeated...
1. Story Info

** Story Info**

**Title:** Witness of Love and Gods

**Author: ** Del Rion

**Fandom: ** Alexander the Great (movie)

**Genre: ** Drama

**Rating: ** M / FRM

**Characters:** Alexander, Bagoas, Cassander, Cleitus, Crateros, Hephaistion, Ptolemy

**Pairings:** Alexander/Hephaistion, Hephaistion/Ptolemy (implied Alexander/Roxanne, Ptolemy/Thais)

**Summary: ** Movie-fic. Ptolemy told much about Alexander and his life to the generations after, but there are also many stories that shall never be repeated...  
Complete.

**Warnings: ** m/m -relationship, violence, character's death

**Beta:** Phaelas (You made the work (some twice) with such dedication I can only envy! My sincere thanks to you, for without you I could have never done this.) and Kitt of Lindon (thank you for your work in the later chapters!)

**Disclaimer: ** None of the characters or places belong to me, but to the history and Intermedia Films.

**Feedback: ** Yes, please, be so kind! Please review, I would love to know your opinion.

**Author's Notes: ** English is not my mother tongue, so it isn't perfect. Please inform me of spelling and grammar errors, so I can correct them!

As theme-songs, Charon's "In Trust of No One" and "If" (both from the album "The Dying Daylights")

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**About _Witness of Love and Gods_: ** Oh, well, what can I say. This probably never happened – or do we know that for sure? I was merely playing with a thought, and it became a story. Hopefully it comes up even half as well as in my own mind.

It was a nice detail that Ptolemy was a narrator in the film, and that sort of woke up my inspiration. So, there is a plenty of things he could have let out from his account. For these are not things that you tell forward lightly.

Can't tell you more, or I'll ruin the entire plot! Enjoy!

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Chapters and their status: ** Here below you see the writing process of the story's chapters. If there is no text after the chapter's name, then it is finished and checked (until someone of my dear readers points me out some mistake, or I will do some updating…) so, check this page, because here I will mark the dates of the updates…

**Chapter 1** (re-written 24th of October 2005)  
**Chapter 2** (re-edited 24th of October 2005)  
**Chapter 3** (re-edited 24th of October 2005)  
**Chapter 4** (re-written 25th of October 2005)  
**Chapter 5** (re-edited 25th of October 2005)  
**Chapter 6** (re-edited 27th of October 2005)  
**Chapter 7** (re-edited 27th of October 2005)  
**Chapter 8** (re-written 28th of October 2005)  
**Chapter 9** (re-edited 28th of October 2005)  
**Chapter 10** (re-written 29th of October 2005)  
**Chapter 11**  
**Chapter 12**  
**Chapter 13**  
**Chapter 14**  
**Chapter 15**  
**Chapter 16**  
**Chapter 17**  
**Chapter 18**


	2. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **The italic parts inside # -marks are "written parts". Just to make it a little easier for you people to separate them from the thoughts :)

This chapter was updated and at some parts re-written to its proper form 24th of October 2005.

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Chapter 1

**Egypt, Alexandria  
****180 B.C.**

An old man sat beside a table of marble. The rustle of pen against a paper was the only sound in the room, the world around hidden away if by some magic. The wind swayed the curtains around the wide windows opening to a balcony, making the man raise his head. He stared out at the world beyond those windows, his eyes distant. He did not see what the others would have seen: his mind was in a realm of the past, his eyes scanning a scene long forgotten.

But he never forgot. He was the one keeping the memories alive. And sometimes – like today – he lived through those events again. Again and again…

With a faint smile, the man shifted his hand, his fingers encountering an object on the table, on a top of a pile of blank papers. His fingers caressed a simple bracelet, made of small pearls. Even if they had been dimmed by the years, many of them still held some of their original colour.

He caressed the bracelet between his fingers, his smile disappearing and expression growing thoughtful. He glanced at the paper before him and frowned. "Not a good start," he murmured, shaking his head. "It has to be special, different. Like this, it doesn't do justice to him..." The man took the paper into his free hand, and then crushed it in his fist and tossed it aside. Leaning against the table and crossing his hands, he stared at the object in his fingers, his eyes tracing every inch of the bracelet. They were familiar to him, every pearl and peace of leather: every stain and scratch. _I own such riches, enough to make a man mad, but yet I cherish this little thing above all those. It could seem ironic; and so it is. So very ironic. But how could anyone else understand such emotions that this piece of history awakes in me? None could. Or perhaps one. But even his love was drowned by his vision: his dreams._

The man ran his eyes over the blank paper in front of him. _So many choices. So many possibilities. But back then, I had very little choices. I did what I had to, and what I thought right. We both did. But even now I do not know if I did the _right_ thing. How did my actions affect the events of history? Or should I say, our actions? But it was me who began it all, and kept him going on and on…_

He leaned back in his chair and brought his right hand to his lips in a thoughtful gesture. The bracelet caressed his lips, its roughened surface reminding him of the days long gone. His eyes narrowed as he again stared at the paper before him. _Why not to go straight to the core? What am I hiding from? Alexander is dead, and all I hope is to get his forgiveness when we shall meet again in the House of Death. But now, I have no reason to avoid the truth._

A smile crept into his face as he put down the bracelet. His hand reached for the pen, tipping it to the bottle of ink, and then he moved it over to the paper. It hovered there for a moment, as he searched for the words to begin with. He glanced at the bracelet again, then back at the paper, and finally lowered the pen.

_#They speak of Alexander as a great man with a vision. He desired to change things, to alter the world. And so he did, that none can deny. But people tend to forget that one man does not conquer the world alone, though one man may shine in such way that people only see him, and not the ones who follow him.#_

The pen halted, and the grey eyes that had seen many years glanced out of the windows again. Time passed, a lonesome bird flying past the scenery, and finally the man smiled. Now he knew what to say, what to write. The truth. Always, the truth. He had lived a lie long enough.

_#The truth is that there were many others. Men who fought Alexander's wars, generals who commanded the forces. Wives, slaves, servants… Thousands of people marched with Alexander, but only few of them are remembered beside Alexander's glory. To those people, momentary glory and riches were enough. They needed no fame, no everlasting name in history, or at least not the kind of fame that Alexander desired to achieve._

_But what mattered most – to Alexander and even to myself – was none of those. Not the uncounted miles we saw, not the people we conquered, not the riches we gained. What truly kept Alexander on his road – kept him away from the madness that his dreams tried to drive him into – was not glory, nor wisdom. It was love. Love of one man that burned brighter and stronger than any sun._

_A man that was both feared and loved. Hated by many, trusted by few. But I was one of those who saw beneath all the layers of guarded silence. I touched the heart that only one had before me, and which no other touched after me._

_I loved something that should have never been mine._

_It all began at Gaugamela, on the eve of one of the greatest battles of our history, so many years from now. And yet I remember it like yesterday... _

_The doubting words of the generals, Alexander's excited voice as he explained his plan to us. He was the only one of us who truly believed we could defeat the Persian army. Those who did not speak up against him were simply too dazed to do so, or merely in shock. Only one of the men seemed to be content enough to keep his silence, his supporting gaze glued to Alexander. At times, Alexander would look back at him, and each time his expression changed completely for a moment. I did not wonder at this, of course. It was to be expected. _

_But what I didn't expect was the fact that I would be the one to stare at that man likewise, someday…#_

"Ptolemy." Blue eyes blinked, a warm smile welcoming the other man.

"Hephaistion," Ptolemy greeted in return, nodding. He glanced around before turning back to the dark-haired man beside him. "So, Alexander is not with you?"

"I believe you can see that much," Hephaistion answered, still smiling.

"Ah," Ptolemy breathed, a small smile making its way to his face as well. "You know, even in the meeting of generals, he always says your name differently. With more... emphasis. With more meaning."

"Who?" Hephaistion requested, his face revealing nothing of his thoughts.

"Alexander," Ptolemy leaned closer, chuckling softly. "You are well aware of what I am speaking of."

"Perhaps," Hephaistion answered rather vaguely.

"The others will also be aware of it, sooner or later. What will you tell them then?"

"Depends of who is asking," Hephaistion replied, his gaze boring into Ptolemy's. "But as for you..."

Ptolemy waited, but Hephaistion fell silent, turning his gaze away. Feeling rather irritated, Ptolemy shifted, trying to draw Hephaistion's attention. "I have known you both since we were only boys. He loved you already then."

Hephaistion indeed turned to look at Ptolemy, his expression strange. "Why tell me something I already know?"

Ptolemy fell back, stunned. Then he smiled again, reaching out to give Hephaistion's shoulder a squeeze. "Remind me not to challenge you into a verbal match again. You have such talent that you will easily put me into shame." He hesitated for a moment, letting his hand drop back to his side. "You know, you should use that skill more often: there are some who think less of you than is healthy for them."

"You mean they think that Alexander favours me, and therefore lets me to stay among his generals? That my 'skills in bed' are enough to keep me on my place in command?" Hephaistion asked, his voice somewhat amused.

"It is a serious matter," Ptolemy warned. "Many would kill to be in your position."

"And what exactly is my position, Ptolemy?" Hephaistion requested, his smile completely gone.

"That –" Ptolemy started, but then fell silent, letting a group of soldiers walk past them. His eyes sought Hephaistion's, and the other man nodded, understanding.

"Well, I see you tomorrow, then," Hephaistion said finally. "May the gods be with us, and bring us all back safely."

Ptolemy nodded, watching as Hephaistion disappeared into the commotion of the camp.

_#Like I said to him, I had known both him and Alexander since we were all youths. We had grown together, been in a school of life together, learned how to write and fight together. Back then, among all of us rascals, Hephaistion was the voice of reason – a fact that didn't change much as we grew up. What changed, however, was Alexander's feelings for him: his friendship turned into a deeper affection at an early age, and soon into a pure love. I am not sure if his father, king Philip, knew of this, but his mother wasn't too happy to learn the truth._

_Back then, Alexander committed himself completely to Hephaistion. No other, boy or girl, man or woman, was able to get through to his heart, or even to his thoughts. Not to speak of his bed, either – in there was a place only for one person, and it was none of those unlucky up-and-coming admirers who tried to win the young prince for themselves. Of course that changed later as Alexander became a king, but as a youth he was devoted to his one love._

_Even as a prince, Alexander could have taken what he wanted from the world. Why instead stick around a youth's affection? Love, I told myself, knowing Hephaistion well myself. It was not difficult to like him, once you gained his friendship. But the absolute bliss of being with him… I knew nothing of it back then.#_

The night had fallen, only the lights of the campfires penetrating the darkness. Most men were already asleep, only the sentries and most uneasy people awake. Ptolemy played with a strap of leather while sitting beside a fire near to his tent. He let out a bored sigh and tossed the strap away, leaning back on the ground. As his eyes searched the darkness, he suddenly spotted a figure passing on the edge of the golden glow. "Hephaistion," he called out, making the other stop.

Hephaistion stood on his marks, his stature speaking of frustration as he turned to look back at the one calling out for him. Ptolemy got up from his place quickly, stepping around the fire to reach his long-time friend. Hephaistion didn't look at him anymore as he advanced on the other general, staring at the darkness instead.

"I thought you to be with Alexander tonight," Ptolemy said, daring the line between them.

Hephaistion snorted, looking sideways at Ptolemy. "I could be," he finally uttered. There was a strange undertone in his voice, his body tense with some suppressed emotion.

Ptolemy merely nodded, not wishing to push the other man. He had absolutely no right to trade further along this path. "Would you sit with me, then? You seem uneasy."

"What do you worry about?" Hephaistion asked as he sat down beside Ptolemy.

"I do not know, to be honest," the other man replied, staring at the fire. "I just... Maybe it is what Cleitus said. That we cannot win. But Alexander was very certain, on the other hand."

"You doubt your king already?" Hephaistion asked with a laugh, but then grew serious again. "He wishes to conquer fear," he whispered.

"Fear?" Ptolemy asked, not understanding.

"He will conquer much, but fear..." Hephaistion muttered, leaning his chin to his drawn-up knees. "But I believe in him. Even in my death, I will."

"I do not doubt that," Ptolemy replied, his eyes upon the man beside him. "You have always believed in him, no matter what. But what about then when he is wrong? What will you do then?"

"He will make the wrong be right," Hephaistion answered, turning his head so he could look at Ptolemy. "Or… I do not know. "

"You could lead him back to right again," Ptolemy suggested. "He is too bull-headed to listen anyone else, anyway."

"Perhaps," Hephaistion smiled, and then stared at the fire again. Ptolemy followed the other's example, and together they waited the night to pass.

_#As we sat there together, in the darkness of a night without the moon, I did not know how much those discussions between us would affect our future. Even if we did not see it then – and how could we have? – those words perfectly reflected the events that we were forced through later. And How right my words were. Today, I do not know which I would prefer to do more: to curse those words into the worst hell possible, or praise the god that sent them to me. But it was not only the words; it was Hephaistion's love for Alexander and Alexander's love for his dream that drove us to our path. _

_And it was only the beginning. Before we saw the end, we were too far gone to turn back. And to be honest, I never wished to turn back. It is like tasting fruits from a box that has poisoned ones among the clean ones: when you get into its taste, you cannot let go. You want more, and all you can do is to pray that your hand does not pick a poisoned one._

_But even today, I have no regrets. And I know, deep inside, that neither did Hephaistion.#_

_to be continued..._


	3. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** This chapter was updated and at some parts re-edited to its proper form 24th of October 2005.

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Chapter 2

"Hunt down Darius! It could take us years, and yet we might not find him! What does Alexander think he is doing?" Parmenion raged, anger plain upon his face. "His father at least –"

"Peace, Parmenion," Nearchus said from the other side of the room where the generals were keeping their secret meeting. "I am sure that all this raging is in vain, for Alexander has already made up his mind. He will hunt down Darius even if it would be the last thing he ever does."

"But at what cost?" Philotas joined his father, glancing at the other men around the room. "We have already come this far, the people of this land acknowledging Alexander as their king. What more could he possibly want?"

"He only wishes to finish his mission, and ensure his power here," Ptolemy said diplomatically. "Like he said, Darius is still technically the king of Asia. We are merely…intruders."

"Who of us ever wanted him to be the king of Asia?" Cleitus asked somewhat bitterly.

No-one replied to that, but agreeing nods followed the statement. Ptolemy let out a silent, depressed sigh, turning to look at his side where Hephaistion was standing. The other man was staring out of a window, looking as if he wasn't even listening. But Ptolemy knew that the other was following the events in the room continually. It was Hephaistion's way to do these things: stay quiet and listen. Observe. It made him actually more dangerous than the other men, for of his thoughts, none could possibly know.

Hephaistion glanced at Ptolemy, feeling the other's gaze upon himself. Blue eyes shifted to the other men, wariness in them. It was certain that Hephaistion had already decided which side he was on, but what was truly going on in that man's head, Ptolemy couldn't tell. It taunted him, but he reminded himself quickly that he most likely knew how Hephaistion saw the situation: the same way Alexander was. _Or maybe not. Even if he supports Alexander and doesn't speak up against him, it doesn't mean that he agrees with our king._

When the discussion didn't continue, the men left the room with dark faces, splitting up to go their own direction. It wouldn't do them any good if Alexander found out of their meetings. There were more of those meeting nowadays, the tempers running high. The way Alexander acted didn't suit many of his followers, and at times it seemed that more people doubted him than supported him. Not that Alexander cared: he stayed true to his own heart, refusing to listen anyone else.

Ptolemy found himself following Hephaistion unconsciously as the other man walked away, taking a route through a small garden. After a while, Hephaistion halted, turning around to meet Ptolemy's eyes.

"What do you say?" Hephaistion asked, his voice low. "Do you think Alexander was never meant to be a king of Asia? That his hunt is madness, an obsession?"

Ptolemy halted before Hephaistion, his eyes meeting the other's blue depths. "All I know is that he will lose the support of his generals if he keeps ignoring us as he has recently."

Hephaistion nodded, his eyes releasing Ptolemy's gaze as they moved to watch the foreign plants around them. "Alexander will not give up," he mused, his fingers caressing a leaf of a dark-green bush. "I do not think he is aware of the situation tensing around him. He is too naive for that."

"But who would dare tell him?" Ptolemy asked, stepping to stand beside Hephaistion. The other's earlier comment had surprised him, but he didn't let it startle himself. "Even I wouldn't dare to confront him with such news."

"You are so afraid of him," Hephaistion smiled. "You all are. Like sheep, facing a wolf. But when he turns his back, you turn into crows, ready to feast upon his victory."

"Are you any better than us?" Ptolemy asked, his voice seething with anger. He had always been loyal to Alexander, and being accused like this, especially by Hephaistion…

"It doesn't matter to me, to be honest," Hephaistion answered. "I will follow him wherever he goes."

Ptolemy was silent for a while, looking at the man beside him. Then he spoke haltingly, remorse in his voice. "Forgive me, Hephaistion. All this plotting and secrecy is getting onto my nerves. Of course I would not think anything that low of you: of all of us 'Friends', you are the only loyal one. I hope Alexander knows that. As naive as he may be, I think he has great faith in you."

Hephaistion blinked, frowning. "And what of you? Alexander has trusted your advise since he was a youth, and here you speak with _me _at this very moment."

"I do not have the courage to face him with the truth," Ptolemy smiled. "But you will tell him, won't you?"

"Of course I will," Hephaistion replied. "It is his right to know. And it will do good for all of us if he is aware of the situation."

"It seems to be so easy for you to speak in such a way of Alexander," Ptolemy snorted. "The others would be afraid to lose their heads."

"I assume I have no reason to fear that," Hephaistion murmured, lowering his gaze.

Ptolemy looked at the other man, a gentle smile spreading across his features. _Indeed, Hephaistion has always been the only one that Alexander truly believes in. If nothing else, Hephaistion is our only chance to keep Alexander in some sort of control…_ Startled by his thoughts, Ptolemy looked away, noticing that Hephaistion was looking at him again with knowing eyes.

"I do not have such a great influence on him, you know," Hephaistion laughed softly, his voice sounding almost ironic. "Oh, I can see it upon your face: dozens of thoughts of how you could use me to control Alexander."

"If I would wish to control him, it would be solely for one reason: Alexander's own good. He is my friend, and a man I respect, but at times he is a great danger to himself. Therefore, it would be wise for you to keep an eye on him: there are many who would already replace him with someone else."

Hephaistion stood silent, his eyes turning emotionless in a moment. It seemed that the mere idea of Alexander being threatened made him look at the world as if it were his greatest enemy, ready to launch itself on a man he loved and respected above all else. Then he nodded, turned and walked away, disappearing from Ptolemy's view.

_#That day, as I watched him walk away from me, I felt relieved. He would speak with Alexander, and hopefully the king would negotiate with his generals more often in the future. I did not doubt for a moment that he would yet go after Darius, but that fact was now accepted among the Friends, anyway._

_However, I did not wish to see that day to come when Alexander would fall, and we wolves would be forced to fight over the spoils. For a fight there would be. Though some of us would be only too glad to devour upon him…_

_Back then, I did not realise what I had just done, but now as I look back at that day, I feel little pride: instead of controlling Alexander, I controlled the one who was trusted by the king. It didn't happen that day, with a snap of my fingers, nor the one after, but slowly and steadily. Hephaistion trusted in few, and I was one of them. But the reason why I feel no joy over my victory is far more complicated. Even if Hephaistion was not a fool that could be led around like an ignorant child, he was only a man just like myself, which I at times forgot…#_

_to be continued..._


	4. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** This chapter was updated and at some parts re-written to its proper form 24th of October 2005.

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Chapter 3

_#Alexander's hunt for Darius was maddening. It tested the faith of his men and generals, but most of all, the faith of those who loved him. Many loved Alexander, for he was a man who made you desire to trust him, love him. And when you loved him, he loved you back with equal force. When his men wept, he wept with them. He joined in their joy and misery, and shared every hardship on our way – as an equal._

_This is what we saw: a man with a dream and great compassion. A man with wisdom. But what Alexander was truly like, I think very few saw. Hephaistion once told me that Alexander was naive, and somehow that made sense. And after all I had no reason not to believe his words, for of all people around Alexander, only Hephaistion knew him completely. He was the only one to whom Alexander was fully open and honest._

_Hephaistion very sparsely told me anything specific of Alexander. I could have red something between the lines, but he took those secrets to the grave with him. He knew how blindly Alexander trusted him, and he was not willing to betray that trust. _

_Of all of us, he was the man of honour._

_But during the hunt for Darius, and after that the hunt for his generals, Hephaistion was forced to finally see the full scale of the events revolving around us. Like this, Alexander would never see his dream fulfilled. Someone had to slow him down.#_

Hephaistion sat upon his horse, his eyes searching the landscape before them. Dry, deserted miles spread out around them, wind raising clouds of sand to the air. No plant could be seen from the place where he sat, and it gave him a feel of uneasiness: they were so far away from everything living. And somewhere out there was hiding a group of Asians, their leader being one of those generals who had killed Darius.

Shifting, Hephaistion looked at the men gathered behind him, a part of Alexander's cavalry. As soon as the scouts would spot the hiding enemy, they would charge forward. But for now, they would wait for a call.

Hephaistion's horse snorted under him, moving uneasily. He bent forward and ran a soothing hand over the horse's neck. "Soon," he whispered, trying to calm the animal. The horse shook his head, snorting again. Hephaistion sat back up, his legs shifting against the horse's sides. Men moved behind him and the soft sound of weapons being drawn reached his ears. It seemed that others were also nervous.

"Men are ready," a soft voice spoke next to him, and Hephaistion glanced at Ptolemy who guided his horse beside his own. "They seem eager for a battle after this long hunt."

"And every time they hope it will be the last," Hephaistion noted. "At least I do."

"You have no desire for battles, then?" Ptolemy asked, just to keep the conversation going.

"In every battle, there is a risk we lose those we care about. And at the moment I worry about our king," he murmured, his words meant only for Ptolemy's ears.

"Alexander is quite safe, all his men are ready to give their lives for him," Ptolemy insisted, his eyes fully upon Hephaistion now. _You, among them,_

"Yet he may die. His need to pursue these enemies is making him blind for much that happens around him," Hephaistion said quietly, his eyes falling back to the world before them.

_#What Hephaistion meant exactly with his words was never known to me. Maybe he saw something that I did not, sensed a new wave of malcontent among the men. The scouts returned before I was able to pursue the matter further, and we joined in the fight with the rest of the army that we had to accompany us. But I couldn't forget his words, and even in the midst of the battle his words kept haunting me. What did he refer to when he spoke of things happening around Alexander? Did Hephaistion know something that I did not? Later on I learned quite well what he had meant, but some things were always meant to stay secrets…# _

The battle had ended, Alexander hunting the rest of the group towards the north-east. Some of the Asians were attempting a desperate escape, but anyone with a sane mind knew that Alexander's cavalry would catch them in no time.

Ptolemy walked through their temporary camp, his eyes scanning the condition of the men and horses. There was not much damage done to them, as the resistance had been slight and the Asians had been tired and lacking in tactics, but it was important for him to know how much harm had befallen them. No men were dead, but many were hurt, it seemed. Passing one temporary shelter, Ptolemy halted, noticing a familiar face. He turned immediately, worry upon his features. "Hephaistion, what happened?" he asked urgently, stepping into the small space.

Hephaistion looked up from his place on the sandy floor, nodding at Ptolemy. "It is only a minor wound," he explained, hissing as an attending soldier pressed his bleeding leg none too gently to stop the loss of blood. "It is not deep." He glanced down at his wounded limb.

Ptolemy kneeled down, inspecting the injury. Indeed, it was not deep, and the bleeding had already lessened. "We are lucky," he whispered beneath his breath. Hephaistion's raised eyebrow told him that his words had been heard, and he looked up to the blue eyes, meeting them without hesitation.

No words were spoken between them, but they both understood. The soldier tending Hephaistion's leg rose to search for a piece of cloth to bind the wound with, and when he returned, Ptolemy indicated that he would take care of the other general. The soldier bowed, handing Ptolemy the piece of fabric, and moved out from the shelter.

As soon as the soldier left them, Hephaistion let out a long sigh, his eyes resting upon Ptolemy as the other man bound his leg with careful fingers. "You hold me too important," Hephaistion said finally, his voice hollow.

"I know your worth, even if you do not. And so does Alexander," Ptolemy replied, finally meeting the other's eyes as he finished his task, yet his hands remained on their place upon Hephaistion's thigh. "Or maybe it is just that you do not see the situation as I do."

"Does it matter?" Hephaistion whispered. "Alexander makes his own decisions."

"But if you oppose him, he will hesitate," Ptolemy smiled. "He has done so since he was a child. Not that you have opposed him often."

Hephaistion's eyes flashed, sudden anger in them. "And what do you want? To rule Alexander's actions through me?"

Ptolemy looked around alarmed, Hephaistion's voice loud in his ears. He did not wish anyone else to overhear them. "I would not wish to control him for my own needs, if that would be the case. I would control him for his own good. Keeping him as a king is important – both for us and for Macedonia."

Hephaistion was silent, his eyes locked with Ptolemy's.

_#His eyes bore into mine, and even if I could have looked away, I didn't dare. There was something in the air around him, at that moment, that I had never felt before. It made my heart speed up in my chest, my skin tingle, and for once I understood how dangerous Hephaistion could have been if he had wanted. But after a moment he turned away, hiding his smile from me as he rose to stand and walked away._

_But at that moment I understood that we had reached an understanding. I wasn't alone with my thoughts anymore. And it comforted me greatly to know that it was Hephaistion who shared my secret plans, and no other. With him, I could make a difference.#_

_to be continued..._


	5. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** This chapter was updated and at some parts re-written to its proper form 25th of October 2005.

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Chapter 4

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Hephaistion dozed in his bed, the heat of the day slowly disappearing even from his room. It was a small space, seemingly not belonging to anyone important. But Hephaistion was not whining, having slept in a lot more undignified places.

The night's feast was starting to take its toll on him, and Hephaistion drew himself deeper under the warm blanket, welcoming sleep. He had left the celebration with Alexander, but the other man had seemed too distant to be bothered. He knew Alexander during these moods, and the king had no need for company right now. So he had gone to his own appointed room in this barbarian village, deciding to rest for a while. None knew what new ideas Alexander had come up with tonight, especially now that all Darius' generals had been caught.

Just as Hephaistion was falling asleep, a sound next to his bed roused him from his rest. Long-practised instinct kicked in, and before the intruder could make another move, Hephaistion had a small dagger in his hand and his body was ready for an attack. But as he turned to face the threat, his shoulder's were caught into a firm, familiar grip, and his body pushed back to the mattress.

"It is just me," a low voice said.

"Gods, Alexander, you know better than sneak into my room like this," Hephaistion snapped, putting the dagger back in its place beside his pillow. "What are you doing here at this hour?" He looked at the king standing before him. There was something in his appearance that alarmed Hephaistion, but the general could not tell what.

"I had to speak with you," Alexander confessed, his voice almost one of apology. As Hephaistion nodded, seemingly forgiving this unexpected visit, the king sat down on the bed, his eyes locking with Hephaistion's blue ones. "I have made a decision."

Hephaistion sat for a moment, trying to remember if there had recently been something that Alexander had to make up his mind about. He couldn't recall anything, and frowned at the other man.

Alexander smiled almost eagerly, grasping Hephaistion's shoulder. "An important decision, Hephaistion. And I had to tell you before any other: I will be married."

A choked "what" spilled from Hephaistion's lips, more like a squeak than an actual word. He sat there, staring at Alexander, not understanding at all what the other was talking about. Married? To whom? "Alexander…"

"She is perfect," Alexander went on, not noticing the puzzled look on his companion's face. "Spirited, beautiful and strong. She will give me many sons." The brown eyes blazed with the mental image, then returned to Hephaistion, waiting for him to reply.

"Who?" Hephaistion finally got out, still feeling as if he were dreaming. And not a very pleasant dream at that…

"Roxane," Alexander replied impatiently, as it were the most obvious thing in the world. "The daughter of the chief of this village." He fell silent again, waiting for Hephaistion to say something, but all he met was a stricken look. His expression changed, his mood darkening in a second. "Are you not going to say anything? Are you not pleased with my decision?" The words came out harsh, anger rising in him.

"Of course I am happy for you," Hephaistion began haltingly. "It is just… what she is… You don't even know her!" he tried, feeling Alexander pull away. "You are making this choice far too quickly. Wait for a while, and then decide."

Alexander's eyes flashed, anger and stubbornness in them. But most of all, there was the hurt that made Hephaistion regret his words, however truthful they had been. "I thought you would understand, of all people. But it seems I was wrong!" Alexander cried out as he stood up. "Do you not wish me happiness? Do you not wish me a son?"

"I wish you both of those, you must believe it," Hephaistion answered, turning on the bed to face his companion and drew his legs under him. The fear that was growing in his heart made him shiver. "Forgive me, Alexander, for I choose my words in a wrong manner. But still, you came here… I thought you would have my advice."

"I am not angry with you," the king said almost brokenly, stepping forward to catch Hephaistion's head between his hands. "I could never be…" His mood was swift to change, as always with Hephaistion. One moment he could be angry enough to kill, and then he would be holding him, telling it was all right.

Hephaistion nodded a little, and decided to dare his luck once more. "Heed my words, Alexander, and wait. That is all the advice I can give you."

Alexander's fingers tightened momentarily, but then he sighed, shaking his head. "I do not wish to wait," he replied, smiling down at Hephaistion. "I have waited all my life for this. But it makes me happy to know you are with me."

Hephaistion nodded again, trying to hide the sadness from his face as Alexander kissed his forehead and left the room without another word. As soon as the door was closed, his entire form sagged, his head bowing in despair. He knew it was not meant to hurt this much, but he couldn't help it. If Alexander hadn't just broken his heart, he had been very close to it…

* * *

Ptolemy walked through the sleeping village, his eyes travelling over the marks of the last night's feast. Barbarian village or no, it looked all the same when a new day arrived. But it was also a scene that gave some an ironic sense of peace: all was well as long as the Macedonians celebrated.

Nearing the edge of the village, Ptolemy glanced to his side, only then noticing a lonely figure staring at the distance. Ptolemy walked closer, coming up to the other from behind. What Hephaistion did up this early, he could only guess.

"He is going to marry her," Hephaistion said smoothly, making Ptolemy halt in surprise. "I can only imagine what the Friends will say." He turned his head to look at Ptolemy.

"Who is?" Ptolemy asked, feeling utterly lost.

"Alexander," Hephaistion sighed, and he lowered his head. "He is planning to marry the chief's daughter, Roxane."

Ptolemy was so dumbstruck that he couldn't utter a word for a moment, but he quickly collected himself and took a step forward. "One of the girls who danced for us last night? Are you certain? Is there a chance you could have been –"

"He told me some hours ago," Hephaistion interrupted him, raising his head to look at the raising sun. Even as the sun lightened up the world, Hephaistion's eyes remained cold and dark. "The generals… they will not accept this without argument."

Ptolemy nodded, thoughtful. "But he has made up his mind, hasn't he?" Hephaistion didn't answer, and his silence told the other man enough. "I suppose there is very little we could do to change his mind."

"Who are we to decide about his life?" Hephaistion mused, his voice barely above a whisper. "Doesn't he have equal right to be happy?"

"And what of you, Hephaistion?" Ptolemy asked in return, deciding to dare the ice. "Do you not have that same right?"

Hephaistion's head shot around, his expression almost alarmed. "This has nothing to do with me. If Alexander is happy, so am I."

Ptolemy smiled, leaning against a wooden pillar behind him. "But you love him. And he loves you. What will happen now that he marries a woman?"

Hephaistion stared at Ptolemy, anguish and disgust written upon his face. "You have no right –"

"I am merely pointing out the situation," Ptolemy said calmly. "There is no reason to get angry. I just wish you would for once explore your own feelings as well, not only Alexander's."

Hephaistion snorted, kicking a small rock away from his feet. "I do not see very many choices when it comes to me." Blue eyes met Ptolemy's, pinning him down. "If you are trying to drive me into anger and jealousy against Alexander, you are not being very successful."

"It is not my intention," Ptolemy mumbled. "Forgive me. I do not truly know what I was trying to achieve. This situation must be difficult enough for you even without my gauging. Not to leave out the coming argument which our fellow Friends will put up."

Hephaistion nodded, though there was still doubt in his eyes. "So you would let Alexander do as he likes? If you could decide, and the opinion of other Friends would not matter." He needed to know Ptolemy's motives, but first he had to see on which side his loyalty stood.

"I… I have faith in Alexander. His judgement seems rash and mindless at times, but his vision hasn't failed us by now. I hope it doesn't do so in a near future, either."

Hephaistion crossed his arms over his chest, giving Ptolemy a small smile. "So you are still up to what you told me about, before Gaugamela? You think Alexander must be watched for his own good?"

"What would have changed my opinion?" Ptolemy asked with a smile of his own. "Though on my own I am not making a lot of process."

"Who ever said you are on your own?" Hephaistion uttered, looking at the distance. "I know you, Ptolemy, and for your own good I hope you are doing the right thing," he said, falling silent, turning to look directly at Ptolemy. "I wish so for all of our sakes."

Ptolemy opened his mouth, but halted as Hephaistion gave him a warning glance. On that moment Leonnatus appeared, giving them both a nod. The younger man looked as if he had just got up from his bed after being woken abruptly – which probably was the truth as he spoke up: "Alexander has requested all the Friends to attend a brief meeting." Ptolemy and Hephaistion exchanged looks and followed Leonnatus back to the village. "I wonder what this all is about," Leonnatus wondered aloud, suppressing a yawn, but got no answer.

_#The meeting, as Hephaistion had known, turned out to be a common shouting-match. I tried to stay away from the heated words, sitting on my place at the other end of the table as the others protested about Alexander's hasty decision. Only Hephaistion and I kept our peace: we were the only ones who actually knew that Alexander wouldn't be turned aside from his chosen path._

_The discussion was quickly focused on other matters than the marriage itself – as expected – and I could but pray that this meeting would end without casualties. Alexander seemed to be greatly humoured at some point of the argument, but his good mood soon faded as the accusations got more personal and he was drawn into the fight himself._

_In the midst of the fight, I remember that my eyes met Hephaistion's, and something passed between us. Even today I am not sure what it was, but I think it was the moment when Hephaistion truly understood how important it would be to protect Alexander in more ways than just physically. And most of all, Alexander had to be protected from himself._

_It was indeed Hephaistion who finally calmed Alexander down – with a mere word, I might add. I wouldn't have felt a great pang of pity if Cassander would have paid for his arrogance – with his life, even – but I understood the necessity to keep him alive. And after all that, the Friends were more asunder than ever before._

_The day after, Alexander married Roxane, a woman with no status. A barbarian.#_

_to be continued..._


	6. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** This chapter was updated and at some parts re-written to its proper form 25th of October 2005.

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Chapter 5

_#The wedding was a glorious occasion, as Alexander himself said, all people gathered up to celebrate with their king. Those of us who disagreed with Alexander kept their peace, knowing that it would have been futile to try and oppose him at this point. But it didn't mean that the king's decision sat well with us. _

_There were numerous reasons why we didn't support Alexander's decision. And what worried me most was Hephaistion's reason. Every time I stole a glance in his direction, I saw the displeasure there. The helpless anger. And pain. But Alexander did not see it, his joy blinding him from the outside world._

_Alexander promised that the debts of those who had travelled with him the long way from Macedonia and Greece would be paid from his royal treasury. He promised wedding dowries to women who had came with us, and proper education and training to their children.. This awoke more hate among some of the Friends, but they swallowed their complaints. Hephaistion saw this, his silent mood telling me that something was wrong. But before I was able to pursue him for it, he had left the celebration. _

_Alexander barely noticed._

_It was long hours later when I saw Hephaistion again, though I did not know that this very night would change my life forever…#_

Joyous shouts and uneven singing carried through the night-air, the sound of mugs clashing together erupting a new wave of laughter. Burning torches and flames glowed, making the darkness itself dance around them. A slow breeze of wind moved the lights, and passed through the quiet part of the village without further notice from anyone.

Hephaistion welcomed the cool wind, as it soothed his heated skin. His eyes burned, and finally he let the tears fall, no longer able to keep the full force of his emotions inside. He leaned against the wooden pillar of one of houses in the Asian village, well away from the feast, feeling light-headed. His fingers dug to the hard surface and he let his head fall back. "Alexander…" he whispered brokenly, a shuddery breath shaking his body. "Why did you have to do this to us… What did I ever do?" Blue eyes gazed at the heavens above, begging for an answer. "What did I do..?" he asked again, closing his eyes in despair.

Something moved in the darkness and Hephaistion shifted his head wearily, not actually caring who was coming. He was beyond caring at the moment. His eyes widened slightly when he recognised Ptolemy, but the surprise didn't last long. "What do you want?" he asked, his voice far less hostile than he would have desired.

"Are you well?" Ptolemy asked, halting beside the other man.

"I am fine," Hephaistion answered, turning his face away, staring at the darkness. A hand suddenly touched his face, caressing the warm river of tears along his cheek. He looked back at Ptolemy, startled.

Ptolemy said nothing, nor did he smile. His features remained completely passive as he wiped away the remaining tears upon the other's cheeks, his eyes following the trail of his fingers. Hephaistion did not pull away, though his eyes showed his confusion clearly. Finally Ptolemy finished, though his hand stayed upon Hephaistion's cheek, maintaining the eye-contact. "You spoke with him, didn't you?" he asked finally.

"Yes," Hephaistion answered, not knowing anything else to say.

Ptolemy nodded, his thumb caressing the softness beneath his hand. "What did he say?"

"Nothing."

Ptolemy saw the hurt in the blue eyes. _Anything Alexander might have said would have been better than complete silence. Why can't he see how much he is loved? Hephaistion does not deserve this…_ "What did you say to him?" he asked finally, knowing that his voice revealed his thoughts.

"I…" Hephaistion stammered, trying to turn away but finding Ptolemy's hand firmly upon his face. Another strong hand came to rest upon his waist, fastening into his clothing. He felt trapped, and yet he did not have the power to leave, even if he would have been free to do so. "I tried to tell him… To explain… But he did not understand, and she had such hate in her eyes." Blue eyes gazed at Ptolemy, revealing the deep wound that had formed in his heart. "I couldn't even tell him I love him! How much… It is not my right…" he gasped, bowing his head in shame. "Not anymore…"

Ptolemy felt new tears slide against his fingers, the other's shaking body leaning into his arms. Without conscious thought, Ptolemy pulled Hephaistion into his embrace, his wet fingers twining into the other's dark hair. "He loves you still, Hephaistion," he whispered. "He would be a fool if he would not…"

Hephaistion froze for a moment, his hands upon Ptolemy's clothes easing their grip. But then his hold fastened again, a sharp hiss escaping him. "It will not be easy for him, after this. There is so much hate, so much arrogance in others. And they have faith in him no more."

"That is why you must stay loyal to him, to keep him on a road that we all can walk," Ptolemy stated. "If you leave him now, he will be alone. His dream is too great for others, but he cannot see it. Not yet."

Hephaistion was silent for a while, but then he lifted his head, his eyes searching Ptolemy's. "You risk your own life with such plans, Ptolemy. If the others would find out…"

"I do not fear death, but I fear that Alexander will fall. The crows are getting ever more eager," Ptolemy replied, his face twisting with anger. "I can speak to him of many things, but it is like speaking to the wind: it has no effect on him."

"But I do, you say?" Hephaistion mused, his face thoughtful.

"I know he listens to you," Ptolemy smiled sadly. "You can make the wind change, Hephaistion…"

"This will be the end of both of us," Hephaistion sighed, shaking his head. "But do I have a choice? For you have been right from the beginning, and even if I did not see it back then, I see it now."

Ptolemy opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again. He stood silent, gazing at Hephaistion as if he saw the other for the first time. There were still tears upon Hephaistion's face, and the way the moon and fire shone in his hair gave him an unearthly appearance. He was the key to tomorrow, the only one who could keep them all together. But at that moment, in Ptolemy's eyes, he was something else. He had not seen it before, or hadn't just taken time to notice. But tonight…

"Ptolemy?" Hephaistion asked, seeing the other's expression change completely.

The other man did not answer, his hand moving from Hephaistion's dark strands to the other's neck, feeling the beat of the strong heart there. "Such waste…" he muttered, shaking his head.

Hephaistion frowned, moving his own hand to cover Ptolemy's. He was just about to ask what the other was talking about, but Ptolemy stopped him, a firm hand grasping his chin. His eyes met Ptolemy's for a briefest of second, a shudder running down his body. "Ptolemy," he whispered, not actually knowing what he was trying to make the other do.

Ptolemy swallowed, but his mind had already decided, giving him no chance to retreat. Slowly, he bent his head down, sealing his lips upon Hephaistion's. The other man gasped, tensing under his hands. Seconds seemed to drag by, but after a moment, Hephaistion relaxed, his hands raising to Ptolemy's shoulders. But instead of the push that Ptolemy had expected, those hands remained still, the soft mouth opening beneath his, welcoming him deeper. It was an invitation which Ptolemy could not refuse, and he slid his tongue into the other's mouth, groaning as Hephaistion tilted his head slightly to ease their contact.

Hephaistion was rather chaste, letting Ptolemy control the kiss. Ptolemy had no qualms about that, his mouth devouring the feel and taste of the other. The heat of Hephaistion's body against his own felt intoxicating, making him yearn for more. But he knew his limits, and after another moment he drew away.

Their breaths mingled, Hephaistion's eyes remaining closed. Ptolemy couldn't resist the temptation, and his lips ghosted over the other's face, barely touching. Hephaistion's hands moved to the sides of his neck, and finally he opened his eyes, looking at Ptolemy. Without a word, Hephaistion let go, walking past him to shadows of the dark village.

Ptolemy leaned against the wooden pillar, and let out a long sigh. He rested his head against the hard surface, his eyes staring unseeingly to the night.

_#As I stood there alone, I couldn't think of anything but him, his touch upon my hand before I kissed him, the weight of his body leaning onto mine. The warmth in his eyes before he left me. I knew I had done something unforgivable, but the fact that he did not turn me down… it spoke volumes._

_Today, I understand his reasons only too well: he felt alone, abandoned. Even if Alexander loved him – and Hephaistion knew that he did, deep in his heart – something had happened to their relationship. He sought a way to end the pain inside him, and I provided him with a way.#_

_to be continued..._


	7. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** This chapter was updated and at some parts re-written to its proper form 27th of October 2005.

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Chapter 6

_#My relationship with Hephaistion changed after leaving Roxane's village. We had numerous, secret discussions and shared glances that no other saw. We kept our meetings hidden, knowing what might happen if Alexander found out – or worse, the Friends. We took no risks._

_Personally, I was afraid to encounter Hephaistion again after my "assault". But soon I understood that Hephaistion hadn't been angered by my behaviour, and I made my move on him. I did not rush, however, wishing the things to go with their own speed. _

_And then there was another matter to settle._

_Hephaistion was not a fool. He knew I had a woman sharing my bed, but he also seemed to notice that fire burning in me every time he was near. And with each day that passed, I began to understand Alexander all the better. And at the same time I could not understand how he was able to let Hephaistion slip from his hands like this. For he was losing Hephaistion. If not to me, then to his dream._

_I stopped thinking on the matter when I reached that point, my mind being too afraid to cross the line beyond that. It was the purpose of neither of us. Or so I told myself...#_

Wind whipped around them, raising a blinding wall of snow to the air. Men travelled forward, weary beyond belief as they struggled through the snow and freezing wind. Scouts ran back and forth, bringing news and setting out again to find the easiest path to travel.

The high mountains of Hindu Kush towered around them, blocking the miles beyond from their view. From his place on the line, Hephaistion decided that it was perhaps a good thing: the people could not see beyond the next bend, and would not despair. For after the next turn, there would be many more. He knew the truth. And it didn't encourage him at all.

Alexander was driving them forward like a man possessed, his visions telling him that this was the path to the other side of the world. But Hephaistion wasn't sure if he desired to see the end anymore. He just craved to be somewhere warm, if only for a day. He felt frozen to the bone. And he knew he was among the lucky ones: what the soldiers, slaves, and whores were feeling like, he could not imagine.

He raised his fingers to his mouth and tried to warm them with his breath. Another cloud of snow stormed down from a mountain-side, sending a layer of ice at them. Hephaistion shuddered, trying to draw his clothes closer around him. It seemed that there was no end to the cold in this land.

After many hours of travel they finally halted, putting up a camp of some kind. Tired men sank to any shelters they could find, welcoming rest to their tired limbs. Hephaistion crawled to his own, hastily built tent, gathering his blankets around his shivering body in a vain attempt to keep the cold out. After some moments lost in a freezing haze, a figure stepped inside the shelter, sitting down beside him. Strong arms pulled him close, trying to offer him some warmth.

"Are you trying to freeze yourself to death?" a familiar voice asked, making Hephaistion smile despite himself.

"If you haven't noticed, Ptolemy, it is quite cold out there," he stammered. Then reason won out over comfort, and he glared at the other man. "Aren't you supposed to be with Thais?" he muttered, drawing his knees to his chest.

"I will be with her when I know you are well," Ptolemy answered gently, his hands rubbing against Hephaistion's arms.

Hephaistion nodded, trying to force his teeth to stop their chattering. "They are going to rebel soon," he finally got out.

"Who?" Ptolemy asked absently.

"The generals," Hephaistion answered, glancing at the other. "They have been peaceful since Parmenion and Philotas were killed, knowing that they are all threatened, but this cold and everything will give them another reason…"

"I hope you are wrong," Ptolemy said slowly, leaning his head against the cold hair. "But I see the wisdom in your words. It will not take long, anymore. The men are getting tired, and there seems to be no end to this."

"You must speak to Alexander," Hephaistion pleaded. "You must convince him to leave the mountains. We can come back when we are prepared, but we cannot continue like this."

Ptolemy was about to argue, knowing that it would have been more reasonable to send Hephaistion out to make such a request, but the feel of the shivering body next to him made him change his mind. "I will go," he promised. "Just keep yourself warm. I will be back as soon as I can." With that, Ptolemy got to his feet, leaving the shelter.

_#I wouldn't have expected Alexander to give in – so easily or in such a short time. I had my own doubts as I confronted him, knowing that I was the weaker person in this discussion. Yet I set my fear aside, reminding myself that I was not doing this only for Hephaistion, but for the entire army, and even for Alexander himself. But maybe the king was also losing faith in his dreams, who knows. After all, he felt the cold like the rest of us, and saw no end to the mountains before us. _

_That I brought Thais_ _up in my speech was a surprise even for myself, as I thought of it later, but I soon realised it was an unconscious decision. Maybe Alexander would have been even quicker with his decision if I would have told him it was Hephaistion's request, but a part of me wanted to keep him out of it. It was the same part of me that later chose all our fates.#_

Ptolemy returned to Hephaistion's tent, feeling quite frozen himself. He had no idea yet how Alexander would react to his words, but all he could do was wait and hope for the best. In the mean time, he could do something to warm his own heart.

Hephaistion was dozing by the time Ptolemy returned, buried deeply into warm blankets. Ptolemy smiled, waking the other man up with a gentle shake. Hephaistion blinked, staring up at Ptolemy in surprise. Then he also smiled, letting Ptolemy take him into his embrace.

"What did he say?" Hephaistion asked, glad for the extra warmth the other was giving.

"I cannot be sure," Ptolemy answered, his hands diving beneath the layers of blankets. "He gave me no actual answer. It will be his decision to make. Though he said we must go forward…"

"As always," Hephaistion whispered, twining their fingers together. "At least we tried."

Ptolemy only nodded, leaning against Hephaistion. "You are still cold," he murmured.

"So are you," Hephaistion answered. "Shouldn't you be going?"

"Always driving me away, aren't you?" Ptolemy snorted, making no move to leave.

"You know why," Hephaistion whispered, his eyes distant. "Thais is waiting for you. I have no right to keep you here."

"Even if you would want to?" Ptolemy pressed, holding Hephaistion closer.

"Even then," Hephaistion smiled.

"You are giving in too easily," Ptolemy laughed softly. "But perhaps you are right –"

"Hephaistion?" came another call, and a moment later Alexander appeared, sending the men a smile. "Ptolemy," he greeted, looking somewhat surprised to find the other there.

"I was just leaving," Ptolemy said, rising as calm as possible. Alexander merely nodded, his eyes upon Hephaistion. Ptolemy left the cover, letting out a relieved sigh as he was not called back. Few paces away he turned to look behind him, trying to guess what Alexander was planning. _Hopefully it requires keeping Hephaistion warm_, he thought, yet it was not an entirely pleasing idea. With an unhappy frown, he walked away. He knew he would find another's warm embrace in his own tent, but that thought didn't give him much warmth at the moment.

Back in the shelter, Alexander sat down beside Hephaistion, giving the other a warm smile. "How fare you?" he asked, a note of concern in his voice.

"Better than many," Hephaistion answered. "This trip is beginning to take its toll."

Alexander nodded, silent for a while. Then he inched closer to Hephaistion, his cold hands caressing the other's face. "We shall leave the mountains soon," he promised, lowering his lips to Hephaistion's neck.

Hephaistion tensed momentarily, turning his head. "Aren't you supposed to be with Roxane?" he asked carefully.

Alexander's eyes flashed, something like pain in them. "Do not speak of her," he said harshly, but continued with more gentleness. "I have neglected you for a long while, and I am sorry for that. My mind has been so occupied lately…" his voice trailed off, his hand making patterns upon Hephaistion's knee. "I would wish to mend that," he whispered, turning fully to Hephaistion. He licked his broken lips, his eyes locking with Hephaistion's. Then he leaned forward, kissing him softly. "Forgive me," he whispered, his hands pushing Hephaistion down.

"There is nothing to forgive," Hephaistion said back, his hands circling around Alexander's neck as the other man kissed his shoulder fervently. "Nothing…" he whispered, closing his eyes.

_to be continued..._


	8. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** This chapter was updated and at some parts re-edited to its proper form 27th of October 2005.

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Chapter 7

_#India. That cursed, god- forsaken land. But as much I hate that place, I cannot deny that some part of me will always remember that part of our journey with more fondness than the others. For in India, my life changed completely. _

_After leaving Hindu Kush, the men got more spirited, but in the mean time Alexander withdrew more into himself, his thoughts solely with his dreams. And when he woke from his dreams, he wondered about the new lands we had reached. As our route took us even more south, the cold was soon forgotten by even the most reluctant men._

_What drew my attention most was not the new world around us, but Hephaistion. Ever since Alexander's wedding, we had grown closer, and now as Alexander seemed to ignore Hephaistion most of the time, something dark began to grow in me._

_I thought it to be anger, at first, but then I observed this feeling, and recognised it to be temptation. I denied myself. I buried my emotions far beneath all else, trying to focus my thoughts elsewhere. But he was always in my thoughts, no matter what I tried._

_I am not sure at what point he noticed me watching him more than usual, but he did not give me a remark of that. Somehow, it seemed to me as if he was delighted at such attention. I truly understood him: in such a position as his, you have few to trust – if any – and you must be on your guard at all times. He was lonely. And when Alexander's attention was so solely somewhere else, I was the only one to keep him company._

_I responded to him, seeing my chance before my very eyes. And in due amount of time, temptation turned into lust, and lust into something else. Love, perhaps. But it was not pity, that much I know myself.#_

Night was falling, and the moisture of the air clung to Hephaistion's clothes and skin. He pushed a strand of damp hair behind his ear, stopping on a small clearing in their camp. Men were moving all around him, focused on their tasks. Sentries were placed, people preparing for well-earned rest.

Hephaistion stood watching, his ears picking up the strange noises around them in the forest. This place was so different from all those they had seen before, and yet he was certain they would see even more wondrous things in the future. He had only heard stories of India and lands beyond it, but it seemed that he would see them if Alexander remained on his path…

"What are you thinking?"

Hephaistion turned around, smiling at the very man he had been thinking about. "Nothing special," he answered silently, nodding at his king respectfully.

Alexander smiled, looking up at the trees. "It really is different from Greece, don't you agree?"

"It is," Hephaistion answered, but didn't bother to look around.

"And what other things we shall see…" Alexander mumbled, his eyes getting distant. Hephaistion knew that look and bowed his head, knowing that he would be forced to entertain himself for a moment. But instead of falling deeper into his dreams, Alexander blinked, his right hand raising to caress Hephaistion's arm. "I must go: Roxane is waiting for me. But I will speak with you tomorrow," he promised, his hand falling back. Giving Hephaistion a brief, private smile, Alexander headed out, Hephaistion's eyes following him for a long time.

"Tomorrow," Hephaistion finally whispered, defeat in his voice.

"Hephaistion," greeted another voice, making a familiar shiver run down Hephaistion's back. A gentle hand caressed his arm, driving away the lingering memory of Alexander's hasty touch.

"Ptolemy," Hephaistion replied, unable to keep the smile from his face. He turned around, facing the other man. "I'm glad to see you."

"I can tell," Ptolemy smiled, his eyes narrowing. "What did Alexander say?"

Hephaistion sighed, shaking his head. "Nothing," he finally uttered, irritation in his voice.

"He must have said something to upset you so," Ptolemy continued, his fingers curling around Hephaistion's arms, keeping the other still. "Tell me."

"Maybe it is you who upsets me," Hephaistion challenged, but his eyes didn't hold as much venom as his words. And Ptolemy saw more in those blue pools than the words the other's lips uttered.

"He left you alone again, did he not?" Ptolemy pressed.

"He had other tasks to attend," Hephaistion snapped, trying to push Ptolemy away. "And so do you. Thais is waiting for you, I am sure."

Something changed in Ptolemy's expression, but instead of releasing Hephaistion, his hold increased in strength and his eyes got darker. "She does not wait for me to join her tonight," he hissed, bringing Hephaistion closer. "So, it was Roxane he spoke about. Oh, do not try, Hephaistion! I know you, and your heart. How it yearns for Alexander to notice you, to love you…" he halted, seeing the pain win over the hatred upon Hephaistion's face. "He does not deserve your love," Ptolemy continued, his lips upon Hephaistion's brow. "Your love is too pure for him. You should keep living your life, not his." Ptolemy drew back, gazing deeply at Hephaistion. "I… I am not Alexander, but…" he did not finish, his eyes darting away.

"You are not Alexander," Hephaistion echoed, a small smile appearing to his face. "But I do not want you to be him, either."

Suddenly a distant thunder echoed through the landscape, a warm rain falling upon them like a curtain. Hephaistion grimaced, looking up to the sky. The dark cloud promised nothing but rain in the near future. Suddenly Ptolemy grabbed his hand, leading him away through the mist that the rain was raising from the ground. Hephaistion did not even dare to guess where they were headed.

After few minutes of walking they came to a shelter formed by great trees and a partially collapsed stone building. Ptolemy bowed down and walked in, throwing Hephaistion an encouraging smile. Following his companion, Hephaistion entered a small space. A smell of living things assaulted his senses, the sound of the rain muffled by the walls. It was quite dry there, the trees and stones keeping the rain away.

Hephaistion looked around in the dimness, wiping water away from his face. He felt Ptolemy's gaze upon him and turned to the other man, giving him a devilish smile. "You do not look any better," he laughed, looking down at his soaked clothes.

Ptolemy stepped closer and reached out with his hand to brush away more water droplets from Hephaistion's cheek. The rain increased outside, thunder rumbling in the sky. Staring into the dark blue eyes, Ptolemy's hands drew the wet hair out of Hephaistion's face, his fingers lingering on the other's ears, following their curve down to the sides of the strong neck. "Hephaistion…" he whispered, like a prayer. The man before him swallowed, his own hands coming to rest against Ptolemy's chest. Rain drops hung from Hephaistion's dark lashes, glittering in the fading light. Ptolemy leaned forward, wishing to capture the drops before they would fall, but Hephaistion tilted his head, bringing their lips together instead.

Ptolemy halted momentarily, but then decided against his hesitation, taking over the slow kiss. His fingers tangled in the wet hair, holding Hephaistion firmly in place. Hephaistion's own hands sneaked up to his shoulders, one arm circling around his neck. Ptolemy's heart beat maddeningly as he freed his right hand, letting it travel down Hephaistion's back. When he reached the hem of the soft chiton, he let his hand travel upwards, rubbing against the damp, hot skin. As his questioning fingers encountered the strong buttocks, he traced up along them, his hips giving an unconscious push forward.

Hephaistion moaned, his fingers fisting into Ptolemy's hair almost desperately as the hand moved up to the small of his back, sending shivers along his spine. The fingers kept moving, making torturous circles upon his back, the lips branding his, giving him no mercy either.

Finally Ptolemy pulled away, his eyes meeting Hephaistion's momentarily. The fingers in his hair tugged him forward, and with a smile Ptolemy dropped his mouth, tracing the neck before him hungrily, and tasting it with a warm tongue. Hephaistion gasped, letting his head tilt back, his eyes drifting shut. Ptolemy freed his left hand and dropped it lower, seeking the fastenings of Hephaistion's clothes. The other man's hands left their place and sneaked in between their bodies to mimic Ptolemy's actions.

Ptolemy smiled against the wet skin, letting his tongue lick away the water lingering there. He tasted rain and sweat and felt the other's strong pulse against his lips. Hephaistion's fingers touched the skin on his chest, bringing him back to action. Shifting his hands slightly, he unbalanced Hephaistion momentarily and then brought them both down to the ground, his lips upon Hephaistion's skin in an instant. The man below him merely groaned and shifted under his weight.

Ptolemy halted from his task, leaning over Hephaistion. Their eyes locked together, breaths ghosting over each other's skin. Slowly, Ptolemy's hands moved up Hephaistion's thighs and pushed the wet garments further up. Ptolemy pushed his hand deeper between the other's legs, his eyes never leaving the other's gaze. Hephaistion's eyes fell shut and his neck arched back, a gasp escaping him as he rocked his hips forward, his hands taking hold of Ptolemy's shoulders as if seeking support. With an unseen smile, Ptolemy leaned down to kiss Hephaistion, all the world around them forgotten.

_#That night I've never forgotten. It stayed clear in my thoughts through every hardship we faced, warming me during cold nights when I couldn't be with him. I can still hear him moaning my name as I settled inside of him, the way his every whimper controlled my movements. I can still remember the feel of his skin against mine, how he trembled in my hold when he came. And the long hours we laid together, listening to the rain and each other's breathing, our bodies cooling from our love-making. It was not my first time with another male, but it was the most intense experience I had ever shared with anyone – male or female. _

_Even today, I do not regret it. The days that followed were peaceful, but the way he looked at me changed completely. For the first time, I think I really saw beyond his gaze, into his heart. And what I saw was peace. _

_He never compared me to Alexander, of which I am grateful. For who could compare to a man like him? Not once did he mention his name when my hands were upon him, even if I at times felt curious to ask about that. Did he think of Alexander when I took him? Later, I know he thought of me. He told me so. But I never pushed him to speak of Alexander, just like I never mentioned Thais. We both had our personal demons. The life beyond our secret love._

_But what else I remember of India is jealousy. It was unreasonable, I admit it, but I couldn't fight it. And beyond jealousy, it was fear. Fear of admitting what I truly felt towards a man who should have never been mine. I tried to avoid that question, but for his sake, I faced my inner fears._

_It took me a long time to do so, and before that I nearly lost everything that I had ever fought for…#_

The discussion was getting heated. Cleitus' outburst was enflaming even Alexander, and it seemed that the general didn't see his own death mirrored in the king's eyes. Ptolemy looked desperately from Alexander to Cleitus, immediately regretting his toast for Cleitus' new appointment. Even if Cleitus' words had been pure mockery towards Alexander, he should have watched his own reaction more carefully. It seemed that the situation was getting out of hand.

People were growing quiet, careful eyes being directed to the argument. Hephaistion stood in a group across from Ptolemy, his eyes showing his own concern. He knew Alexander's temper, and after the amount of strong wine the king had drunk, it would not be a surprise if his temper flared.

The discussion got more personal, the local people raising from their places and disappearing from view. Alexander's voice carried in the silence, stopping even Cleitus as he compared himself to Heracles.

"How do you dare to compare yourself to Heracles? Did you conquer Asia by yourself, Alexander?" Cleitus challenged. "I mean, who planned the invasion of Asia? Was it not your father? Or is his blood no longer good enough!" People held Cleitus back, trying to make him stop his account, but Alexander was already on his feet. "Zeus-Amon, is it?" Cleitus continued nonetheless.

Ptolemy felt like he was standing between two forces. There was no doubt that the argument was going to end up in a confrontation. His eyes surveyed the men around, trying to read the others' reactions from their faces. Who would be on who's side? Already, the army was dividing, and arguments like this did nothing good to Alexander's power.

"You insult me, Cleitus! You mock my family, be careful!" Alexander shouted, pointing at the dark-haired man. Hephaistion stepped closer to him, seeing that the rage in the other's eyes would not be satiated easily.

Cleitus, however, did not stop. The number of wine-goblets he had emptied were taking their toll. His words became more personal, attacking Alexander's friendship with the Asians – barbarians. It was a matter that had been argued about countless times, but today seemed to be the breaking-point.

Alexander glanced around, trying to hold back his anger. "Go quickly, Cleitus, before you ruin your life," he said finally, his face tense. Hephaistion glanced between the two, keeping himself alarmed. His eyes met Ptolemy's momentarily, warning the other.

"Doesn't your great pride fear the Gods any longer?" Cleitus taunted, stepping closer. "This army-" He pointed at the men around. "This army is your blood, boy! Without us you are nothing!"

Alexander looked back, blinking as if he was seeing something the others could not. "You no longer serve the purpose of this march," he stammered, seemingly disoriented. "Get him from my sight!" Hephaistion stepped in front of him, holding one hand out to calm Alexander.

Cleitus fought back, raging his heart out. "I don't serve the purpose? What was I serving, when I saved your life at Gaugamela!" The rest of his words were drowned between the shouts of others, but the harm had been done.

Alexander lunged forward, men trying to stop him but to no avail. "Alexander!" Hephaistion shouted, trying to hold the king back. He repeated the other's name, despair in his voice.

"Arrest him for treason!" Alexander's words made everyone stop, shocked silence filling the room. Alexander looked around wildly, shaking the others away from him, demanding who of the others were in alliance with Cleitus. People looked at their king, shaking their heads desperately. At the moment, they could all be accused of treason if Alexander thought them guilty.

Alexander turned back to Cleitus, asking Zeus to trial the other man. Cleitus looked at Alexander in shock, but then his anger and bitterness won out, and his accusations filled the air again. When Alexander was about to attack Cleitus himself, Hephaistion drew him back, begging him to stop with his eyes.

Then Cleitus dared to call Alexander's mother a barbarian, and the king snapped. Taking a spear from the hands of a startled guard, he strode forward with a cry of madness, driving the weapon through Cleitus' body. Only after a moment Alexander understood what he had done, but it was too late. Cleitus was dead.

Hephaistion stared down at Cleitus' still twitching body, his face paling. He turned around, not being able to bear the sight of the dead man. Further away, he saw Ptolemy, equal shock upon the other's face. Men wept around them, Alexander's cries mingling with the others'.

_#It was a disaster. Cleitus was dead, and with no true reason. Alexander fell apart right in front of us, and I could but curse the entire situation. If only Cleitus would have held his peace, and had controlled himself before it had got out of hand…_

_But he did not, and he paid for it with his life._

_And for the first time since leaving Macedonia, I knew Alexander was in mortal danger. There had been attempts at assassination before, but after these events, there were few who still trusted to their king – especially among the Friends.#_

Ptolemy rushed out into the rain, wiping water from his face. The people were still paralysed by the fact that their king had killed one of his generals, so no one stood on his way as he ran forward. "Hephaistion!" he shouted, seeing the other's figure distancing from the camp. He ran after him, reaching him quickly. "Hephaistion," he said softer, taking hold of the other man's arm.

Hephaistion halted reluctantly, his eyes glued to the muddy ground, his face pale. Ptolemy looked back to the building they had left, and then to the man beside him. "Hephaistion, you must go to Alexander. He needs to be –"

"No!" Hephaistion shouted, turning to look at Ptolemy. "I cannot!" he pleaded, his tears mingling with the rain.

"You must! We cannot let him break down! It will be our downfall," Ptolemy urged him, shaking the other man. "If he does not face his men, they will use the opportunity to finish him. There are too many who wish him dead at the moment!"

"Do not ask that from me…" Hephaistion cried out, genuine fear in his voice. He pressed his face against Ptolemy's chest, shaking his head desperately. "Please…"

"Hephaistion, I beg you," Ptolemy pleaded. "For Alexander. Without him, all we have built will fall. The empire will crush down. Do this for Macedonia. For Greece."

Hephaistion was still for a long moment, but finally he lifted his head, looking up at Ptolemy, his eyes cold. "He might kill me as well," he whispered roughly.

"Never you, Hephaistion!" Ptolemy swore, his hand caressing the other's hair. "He loves you. Only you. He will listen to no other."

"He loves me…" Hephaistion echoed, his fingers fisting into Ptolemy's front. "But does it keep this madness in him at bay? He is no longer the Alexander I knew."

"We have kept him on a straight road this far," Ptolemy soothed. "He cannot turn against you, or he will destroy himself. He has fallen too deep: he has become shadowed by his own dreams. You can lead him out into light again, make him breath free air."

Hephaistion nodded uncertainly, his eyes still showing his fear. "For the world," he whispered brokenly. "For Alexander."

Ptolemy swallowed, his fingertips tracing the other's face. "All will be well. Just go to him, and…" he didn't finish, unable to continue. A voice in the back of his mind laughed at him, calling him a coward.

Hephaistion nodded again, drawing away slightly. Before he was able to leave, however, Ptolemy grabbed him back, kissing him passionately. Hephaistion answered to the other with equal heat, his fingers digging into Ptolemy's flesh painfully.

Ptolemy welcomed the pain, holding on to Hephaistion for a long time. Then he drew away, watching the other disappear into the darkness. After he was certain that Hephaistion was beyond the range of hearing, he let out a shout, striking his fist against a tree next to him. The pain faded away along with the agony inside him.

_#I stood alone in the rain for a long time after Hephaistion left me. I still remember the feeling inside me, the agony and guilt. I pushed him, forced him to do something against his own wishes. I told myself that it was for everyone's good, that he would have done the same later, when he had overcome his fear. But it did little to ease the anger in me._

_I was afraid of how he would think of me after this. There was a good chance he was going to hate me to the end of his days, and I couldn't have blamed him for it. _

_I did what I thought to be right. Yet I couldn't get over the feeling that I should have thought of him first. And my own, hidden desires. Were all our efforts worth it, if it doomed us to be unhappy forever?_

_I never found out the answer.#_

_to be continued..._


	9. Chapter 8

**Author's Note:** This chapter was updated and at some parts re-edited to its proper form 28th of October 2005.

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Chapter 8

Hephaistion entered Alexander's tent, finding only Bagoas with the king. His eyes widened as he gazed at Alexander, who laid upon his bed pale and trembling. Alexander looked completely broken, his eyes wild, yet distant. _Like a hurt, frightened animal_, Hephaistion thought, taking a hesitating step towards the king.

Alexander didn't move when Hephaistion approached him, his face keeping its tortured mask. Hephaistion swallowed his fear and walked to the side of the bed as calmly as possible. _Remember Ptolemy's words: I do this for Alexander. There is no place for fear here._ Yet he couldn't rid himself of the image of Cleitus lying on the stone floor, blood pouring out around the end of the spear that ran him through. In his anger, Alexander could do anything. _When did _I _begin to fear him? I know I should not, but yet… What has ever stopped him from hurting me like he does others?_ And in many ways, Alexander had hurt him worse than any other.

"Alexander?" Hephaistion asked finally, his voice as uncertain as his mind at the moment. The king made no reply, nor gave any sign of recognition, and Hephaistion frowned, his eyes narrowing. "Could we speak?" When he received no response, his eyes darted to Bagoas'. The slave was quiet – as always – but his expression revealed his equal worry.

Hephaistion sighed, sitting down beside the bed, blessing the thick rugs covering the cold floor. "Alexander, I beg you. I must speak with you – now." He reached out with his arm, his fingers carefully running over the other's clammy skin. "Alexander…" he whispered, despair driving over his fear. "You cannot let go now. Your men need you. _I_ need you,"he pressed, trying to coax any kind of response from the other.

This indeed seemed to have an effect on Alexander, the brown eyes blinking and turning in Hephaistion's direction. Hephaistion smiled, relief rushing through him. "Alexander," he called out softly, trying to wake the other from his trance-like state. "I would like to –"

But Alexander shook his head, his eyes pleading for silence. "I have heard enough words today," he murmured with a voice full of anguish. "Leave me be."

"Nay, I refuse to do so, Alexander!" Hephaistion told the other man firmly, taking Alexander's hand between his. "Do not dwell in this self-pity: you are above that."

Alexander's hollow eyes stared at Hephaistion, disbelief written on his features. He tried to draw away, to release himself of Hephaistion's firm hold, but the other man was adamant, holding his ground.

Hephaistion glanced at Bagoas, then shifted his head to the direction of exit. This command needed no words, and after a moment of hesitation, Bagoas left the tent. "Make sure no-one enters," Hephaistion said to the Asian before the other left them, gaining an answering nod. "Such submission," Hephaistion mused, turning his full attention back to Alexander. "Now, speak to me. It is the only way for you to release these demons that hold you captive."

Alexander stared at his best friend, his eyes falling back to that blank stare that he had earlier welcomed Hephaistion with. Hephaistion did not back off, his stare capturing Alexander's. They stayed like this for a long time, rain falling down from the sky, making a soft noise as it met the tent's surface above them. "Cleitus is dead."

The words startled Hephaistion, but he mastered himself swiftly, nodding shortly. "He is."

"I killed him."

"It was –" Hephaistion halted, lowering his gaze. _Justified? Was I going to say that? That he deserved it? But whatever I say, it must help him to gain his faith in himself._ "You killed him, yes, but it can't be helped. All you can do is to go on, and –"

"I cannot go on!" Alexander wailed, his hand suddenly seizing Hephaistion's shoulder in a crushing hold. "All I have ever done is in vain. My men have conspired against me – abandoned me."

Hephaistion tensed, trying to push back the pain Alexander's hold was causing him. At this moment, he needed all his wits. "Only few have conspired, and that is because they fear what you might do. They cannot comprehend your dream, and so they turn against you: so they would not be forced to meet their fears! But you always promised them that you would make them conquer their fear. Will you betray that promise now, Alexander?"

"I –"

"Will you, Alexander?" Hephaistion asked, throwing in all his abilities, his eyes wide and pleading, full of faith in his friend. It had worked when they had been children, and long after those days it still had the same effect.

"No," Alexander whispered, yet his hold remained, his eyes still doubtful. "But my men –"

"Forget them for a while," Hephaistion interrupted, his voice low and assuring. "Forget everything and everyone else: right now, you must face your own fears. Best yourself, and no other can ever harm you." He halted, seeing how the other man struggled to understand his words. "You have such a beautiful dream, Alexander. Do not lose faith in it, because then you would lose yourself," he whispered, shifting his head to kiss Alexander's hand that was lying upon his shoulder. "I have such faith in you, my Alexander. Is that faith misplaced?"

"I hope it is not," Alexander murmured, his hand finally falling back to his side, releasing Hephaistion. "Let me be alone, now. I will… think this over. I need to think," he mumbled, his eyes darting to the dark shadows of the room. "I want none to enter. Only you – and Bagoas. No other." Brown eyes finally looked back at Hephaistion, some of their usual brightness returned. "Will you come to me tomorrow, Hephaistion?"

"I will come to you, every day of my life, if you so wish," Hephaistion vowed, giving Alexander a brief smile. "Rest now, and do not despair: all will turn to better."

Alexander nodded, lifting his hand to briefly caress Hephaistion's hair. Then he motioned for the other to leave him, and Hephaistion did, stepping out into the cold night and the never-ending rain.

"Let no-one but me and Bagoas enter," he told the guards. "It is the king's wish," he added, and then walked away, wrapping his arms around his body. _I truly wish we're doing the right thing, Ptolemy_, he prayed. _If not… may Hades have us both. It would be so much more simple for Alexander to just give up and lead us all back home. There are many years ahead of us, still, and many miles to see. But perhaps you are right, and Alexander has to go on to ensure his place in command…_

A hand gripped Hephaistion's shoulder, making him wince in pain. He turned to look at the intruder, harshly awoken from his thoughts, but before his eyes had adjusted to the darkness, warm lips met his, strong hands drawing him against another body. His hands halted for a moment, but then circled around the other's neck, his hold revealing his desperate thoughts.

Finally Hephaistion was able to draw away, his eyes searching the other's in the darkness. "I did it, Ptolemy," he whispered. "I did it," he mumbled again, lowering his head against the other's shoulder. Ptolemy's hands tightened their hold around him, pulling him close.

The wind changed, bringing down a new wave of rain. Ptolemy gazed at the sky and sighed. It seemed that the sky wept at them as well. "Come," he said, one of his hands still around Hephaistion as he led them into the forest. The other man did not struggle, simply followed him. They reached Hephaistion's tent after a small walk, and with a tender but strong touch, Ptolemy guided the other man in, closing the flap behind them to keep the wind and the rain out.

Hephaistion sat down and stared at Ptolemy as the man took off their wet clothes, laying them aside slowly. Then Ptolemy stopped, his eyes slowly tracing every part of Hephaistion, worshipping him silently. When he was finished, he leaned forward, following the same pattern with his hands and mouth.

Hephaistion kept very still, trying to control his erratic breathing. His hands fisted into the mattress beneath him, trying to find something to hold on to. Finally he couldn't keep still anymore and drew away from Ptolemy, crawling to sit on his bed. His eyes met the other's, and after a moment of hesitation, Ptolemy followed him. Gentle lips traced his bruised shoulder, as if trying to take away the pain.

"I am so sorry," Ptolemy whispered, lifting his face, apology written all over his features. "I will never –"

"Hush," Hephaistion whispered, kissing the other's lips softly. "We did the right thing."

Ptolemy didn't answer, but he abandoned the topic, drawing Hephaistion onto his lap. "I was worried about you," he whispered, "but now that you are with me…"

Hephaistion blinked and then smiled, circling his hands around Ptolemy's neck. "Make me feel safe," he begged with a small voice, leaning his head against the other's shoulder.

"I will," Ptolemy promised, and then reached out to put out the candles that had been lighting the tent.

_#That night I made love to him a second time, and for a moment I forgot everything about Alexander and the danger we were in. The way he asked me to take care of him made my blood heat up, finally making me understand a great part of his nature: he wanted to feel safe. Once in a while, he wished to abandon all caution, and just _be,_ when someone else took command and protected him. I could easily understand that desire in him, knowing how guarded he always was, for himself and Alexander. And now for us._

_The way he melted into my arms made me want him again and again, and I remember thinking of Alexander at some point of our love-making. Was this what Alexander felt when he laid with Hephaistion? Or was it different? What was Hephaistion like when he was alone with Alexander? I would never know, but I did not really need to when he laid in my arms, his broken moans encouraging me on._

_But what I knew for sure was that Alexander did not deserve Hephaistion's love. Nor did I. And that was maybe the reason why I never said the words to him. Or maybe Hephaistion knew about my feelings anyway. After all, he read me well, even back then._

_However it was, after that night he gave me a gift to keep for him: a simple bracelet of small pearls. It was not a mighty gift, but he had made it himself, and because _he_ gave it to me… It made it priceless. To me, it was the possession I cherished most on this earth, and which was closest to my heart, even if I was never able to speak of its origin. I actually shook with excitement and emotion as he bound it around my hand, kissing my palm after proceeding, his eyes shining up to mine. And I made love to him again, slowly and with passion, promising time after time that the bracelet around my wrist would be something I would always keep with me, reminding of him._

_Because most of all, it spoke of his feelings towards me. Even if he never said the words, either.#_

_to be continued..._


	10. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: **Here we are again, with a new chapter.

In a part of the chapter where Alexander gives his speech, some of his lines have been left out at some points of the discussion. I hope that does not trouble you too badly. Watch the movie again to get the right impression of the scene, if you like! You know what happened in that scene, anyway…

Enjoy, and remember to review me (through the site or directly)!

This chapter was updated and at some parts re-edited to its proper form 28th of October 2005.

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Chapter 9

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_#After the night of Cleitus' death, we all lived in a constant doubt. We held our breaths and walked around like ghosts. No man dared guess Alexander's mind: I dared not to approach him either, even as my thoughts kept me awake at night. Hephaistion gave me little information of the king's current state of mind, and I feared to ask more. I know Hephaistion visited Alexander the day after, but Alexander still asked him to wait._

_So we all waited._

_Those who opposed Alexander most defiantly passed their venom forth, setting ever more men up against their king. But many kept their peace, knowing that Alexander was swift to anger. And after events like this… None knew how he would react._

_I knew that the way Alexander would react meant a lot. To all of us. If he would have swallowed the insults spoken against him and turned back as the men demanded, he would have lost both his face and his respect among his generals – even if the men would have celebrated momentarily. On the long run, Alexander would have been forced to give in his power to others. And if he kept his mind, it would rise a new wave of arguments. People would be needed to put silent, and that would mean even more malcontent among the soldiers. But it would also prove to this army, once and for all, that Alexander was the _king_, and none would go against him._

_But what the Son of Zeus would do, none knew at the time. As Hephaistion visited him a few days later, Alexander's thoughts still remained a mystery. Yet one thing had happened: Hephaistion had regained his self-confidence. Of what I heard, he even forbid the queen from seeing her husband. A bold act, I must admit, but nothing less I would have expected from him – or Alexander. Hephaistion alone was aware of the heart of Alexander, and knew that the other man needed peace – for now. _

_But soon the king made his mind of his course of action, and that showed to both Hephaistion and myself what we had truly achieved…#_

Men were gathering, as they had just been summoned by their king. Nervousness hung in the air, worried glances shifting this way and that. _Like sheep_, Hephaistion thought almost ironically as he watched the mass move past him. But even his mask of calmness failed at some point, the feel of his thrumming heart against his crossed arms giving him away. _What will he do? Today, he will tell it, no doubt._ Glancing up at the sun, Hephaistion sent a swift prayer to the Gods. He knew Alexander would do the right thing. But whatever it was that he would do, it would seem wrong to a part of this army…

A beard that had grown for several days was rough against his hand as he moved his fingers up to his chin in a thoughtful gesture. It made him smile, the mere idea of himself with a beard. He hadn't looked into a mirror for quite some time, that was for sure. Greater things invaded his time – and mind – than the mere fact that he was not keeping himself as fit as usual. Sighing, Hephaistion tilted his head to the side, easing some kinks in his neck. He was stiff all over, tense and tired from the worry of the last few days. _I can only hope it will get easier after this_, he thought moodily. But somehow he suspected that things would turn worse, if nothing else.

"What are you thinking?" a voice whispered from behind Hephaistion, making the general turn his head in alarm. A pair of laughing eyes met his blue ones, and Alexander's warm smile spoke of mirth. "You seemed so far away, and I couldn't resist…" he explained, his features calming, seriousness returning to his eyes.

"I should have seen you coming," Hephaistion murmured, giving the other a small smile. Then he gazed back at the men, the soldiers still passing them by without further interest towards their actions. With a calming breath, he turned around to meet his king.

"Worry not, Hephaistion," Alexander whispered, his tone reminding the other man of that far-away night at Gaugamela. "We are only at the beginning. It is all about fear. I see it now." With that, Alexander took his own path to the head of the group, leaving confused Hephaistion behind.

_What is he going to do?_ Hephaistion pondered, taking an alternative route to a place beside a cliff. Before he emerged from the crowd, he was able to see Ptolemy, standing on the edge of the crowd, his face a mask of patience and calmness. But Hephaistion was able to see that the other was as nervous as he was – maybe even more so. After all, this was Ptolemy's game… _A game indeed. Soon we shall see if Alexander plays along with our rules, or those of the others._

Ptolemy raised his head as Hephaistion stood beside him, giving the other a nod. His eyes spoke a different message, one that Hephaistion alone could read. "Soon," he murmured, watching from the corner of his eyes as other men took their places beside them. Most of the generals were spread among on the crowd, with their own units, only few standing on the front, facing Alexander.

Standing so close to Hephaistion that their skins almost touched, Ptolemy found it difficult to stand still and observe the people moving around. He could smell Hephaistion, the scent of the other making his heart beat even faster. With an annoyed scowl, he drove such thoughts away from him. _I had better drop such ideas, for now. There is no reason to inform Alexander about the feelings I have towards his lover. At the moment all I have left to place reliance in is that Hephaistion spoke the right words and made Alexander decide to take the path we wanted: one that would ensure his survival…_

Alexander stood before them, taking in the sight of the world spreading out before him. From the high cliff they were standing upon, he could see the uncounted miles before them. So much to see and venture: to explore… Slowly, the king turned back to his men, regarding them carefully. There was no hint of hesitation on his face, which told those closest to him that he had made up his mind. "Of course you have fears!" Alexander shouted suddenly, his voice demanding undivided attention. "We all have fears! Because no-one has never gone this far before!" He pointed at the land opening before them. "And now we are weeks from the Circling Ocean, our route home. We will build a fleet of ships and sail all the way back down the Nile to Egypt. And from Alexandria, we shall be home within weeks!" he explained excitedly, his eyes burning with inner fire.

Hephaistion recognised that look, and by the way Ptolemy shifted beside him, the other had also realised what was coming: Alexander would press on. Just like they had wanted. But it did nothing for the fear in the pit of Hephaistion's stomach. This was going far too easily…

"There we will be united with our loved ones, and share our great treasures and tales of Asia, and enjoy our imperishable glory until the end of time!" Alexander shouted, hands in the air, reaching the end of his speech.

Ptolemy looked at the men behind him, the silence that filled his ears almost painful. He glanced at Hephaistion, finding the other staring adamantly at Alexander.

Shouts rose from the back of the group, distant in the ears of those who most wished to hear them. "Follow Alexander!" But the rest of the men stood silent, tired, bowing their heads. None dared to meet their king's gaze.

"What?" Alexander asked in disbelief. "Silence!" His posture lost its sudden self-assurance, his eyes trying to meet those of his men.

"We are with you Alexander!" shouted the men at the back, giving voice to the expectations Alexander had had just a while ago.

As Alexander spoke again, Hephaistion's expression froze, his eyes still settled on Alexander as the king attempted to use the same tactic as at the battle of Gaugamela: speaking directly to the men in front of him, showing that he knew them, as persons, individuals. But this time they did not respond to him in kind. This time, they raised no weapons towards the sky, nor did any shouts meet his words. Only the men on the back kept shouting, telling Alexander that they would never leave him. But all the others were silent.

Ptolemy glanced at the men around, trying to will them to understand that Alexander would go forth. It had always been his desire, and he would not be turned from that path.

"You are breaking my heart!" Alexander exclaimed, his voice matching his feelings. "You men, afraid?"

There was no direct reply, but most of the men turned to look back, murmuring something. A tall man dove through the mass, standing up on a visible place among the men, looking uncertain. "Crateros!" men shouted, seemingly glad that the man had stepped forth.

"My king," the general began, somewhat hesitantly. Alexander looked at him, surprise and confusion mingling on his face. "I don't like complaining. I won't tolerate it in any of my units," Crateros stated, his voice growing stronger as he went on. But it was easy for him to speak, with the men's support behind him, Ptolemy thought angrily. This promised nothing good… "I've lost many men. Young men, never been with a woman. Some died of disease. Some were butchered in Scythia, on the banks of Oxus."  
He halted, and the men around him nodded in approval.

Alexander looked at Hephaistion, their eyes meeting. Their previous conversations were running through both of their minds, and Alexander's eyes turned into stone. Hephaistion tore his gaze from Alexander's, his steady eyes seeking out Crateros. Guilt was building in him, and not for the first time he hoped he was doing the right thing – had done the right thing while persuading Alexander to go on as his "dream" demanded.

The general kept speaking, voicing the thoughts of the men. Hephaistion admitted in his mind that he knew the other's words to be true: how many men now around him had been with them from the beginning? He had fought all those battles Crateros spoke of, and bore many scars from them. Yet he lived, still. He had no desire to fight another battle, kill another barbarian, or cross another river. But if Alexander would take that road, so would he. _And I have pushed him back to that road_, he reminded himself bitterly. _It was I who chose for all of us._

As Crateros finished his speech, men shouted in agreement, turning to face their king, waiting for response. Alexander allowed his eyes to rove over the lines of soldiers, considering his next words carefully. "Crateros!" he shouted, his voice almost hoarse. "Good Crateros! Who better than you to speak, most noble of men? But you know there is no part of me without a scar or bone broken. By sword, knife, stone, catapult, and club, I've shared every hardship with all of you!" he spoke, pointing at the men before him.

"You have, my king, and we love you for it!" Crateros replied, his voice shaking. Men roared around him, nodding. "But Zeus! Too many have died!" he continued. "You have no children, Alexander…" he halted, hesitating. Many noticed the glance Alexander gave in Roxane's direction. "We are just humble men and we seek no disturbance with the Gods. All we wish for is to see our children, and our wives, and our grandchildren one last time before we join our brothers in that dark house they call Hades."

Alexander was silent for a while, turning around to gaze at the land opening before him. "Yes, you are right, Crateros. I have been neglecting."

Both Ptolemy and Hephaistion turned around from the men, looking at Alexander in surprise. For one horrible moment, they thought Alexander was going to give in. To turn back as his men wanted, and in the same time prove the generals that he could be controlled this way.

"I should have sent you veterans home sooner," Alexander continued, turning back to the men, "and I will. The first of you shall be given silver shields." Men bellowed, hope blooming in them. "And then every man who has served seven years will have full pensions from our treasury!"

Men shouted, their voice excited, waving at their king. But Ptolemy did not join to their celebration, doubt entering his mind. Something was out of place. Quick sideways glance at Hephaistion beside him told that the other man did not share his intuition: there was an unhappy look on the beautiful face, blue eyes solely glued at the king.

"Respected, riched, _loved_," Alexander went on, his movements waking another series of shouts among his men. "You'll be treated by your wives and children as heroes for the rest of your lives, and enjoy a _peaceful_ death."

Ptolemy frowned, thoughtful. He was sure his friend was planning something, for his current actions did not match his previous words. Alexander did not give up of his plans this easily, especially if they concerned his dream to conquer the world.

Hephaistion, on his side, looked even unhappier. _What are you planning, Alexander? Don't you see you are playing with fire? One wrong move, and all our worse dreams will come true._ He shifted, moving closer to Alexander.

"But you dream Crateros!" Alexander suddenly went on, making Hephaistion halt in his tracks. "Your simplicity long ended, when you took a Persian mistresses and children, and you thickened your holdings with plunder and jewels... Because you have fallen in love with all the things in life that destroy men!" Alexander cried out, almost as if in desperation. Hephaistion turned back from Alexander, knowing what was coming. The end _he_ had chosen for them. "Do you not see? And you, as well as I, know, that as the years decline and the memories stale and all your great victories fade it will always be remembered, you left your king in Asia." Alexander took a deep breath, looking at the men before him. "For I will go on, with my _Asians_!"

There was a shocked silence, as the king's words slowly sunk into the minds of his men. Ptolemy glanced around, seeing the tension build in the people around him. Then the fist shouts rose to the air, accusations filling the air. Many voices spoke of Cleitus, suspecting that those who would return would never reach home alive. Insults were directed towards Alexander, yet some men still kept their silence, knowing better than to speak up against their lord. But Ptolemy, as well as all the other generals, knew that there were far too many who were ready to oppose their king.

"All I ask is a one more month!" Alexander cried out. Asians moved to their king, ready to defend him if the need would come.

Some soldiers even dared to point directly at Alexander, shouting him to shame. Men pushed forward, some with weapons in their hands. Hephaistion swiftly turned around, pushing one soldier back, seeing the anger on the other's face. "That's your king!" he shouted, hoping it would be enough to make the nearest men fall back and understand it would be only worse if they attacked Alexander.

But enough words had been said to enflame the army. Some men mocked Alexander's state as a son of Zeus, some spoke of death of Cleitus, of conspiracy, and tyranny. Then a corpse of an animal was thrown to Alexander's feet, and that was enough to make the king unleash his anger.

Hephaistion moved after Alexander as the other dove into the mass of men, trying to both restrain Alexander and keep the others away from him. All the time Alexander challenged his men to come and face him, to kill him, but none moved forth to attack.

As Ptolemy watched this from the side, knowing that many would lose their lives because of this feud, he couldn't keep thinking that they had succeeded. Alexander would go on, and remain as a king. He had shown his power, and for now, it would keep his enemies at bay…

* * *

Long after the men had split to their own tents and units, Hephaistion returned to the place of the meeting. A wind that gathered on the lands below made his hair sway, swirling the garments he wore around his body. His thoughts seemed to be one great myriad of plots, one mingling with another and leaving him in utter confusion.

Alexander had calmed down soon after he had left his men, and his mind had stayed adamant. What tomorrow would bring, no-one knew. And at the moment, Hephaistion did not wish to think of it. Nothing of it. He wished his mind to be empty, rid himself of all thought and deceit…

"It is done."

Hephaistion merely tilted his head, closing his eyes as he felt Ptolemy halt beside him. "What if…" he spoke out, but then stopped, deciding not to ask.

"All will be well," Ptolemy assured, his hand resting upon Hephaistion's shoulder. "Men will die, as the sparks of mutiny must be taken down, but it will ensure Alexander's survival," he continued steadily.

"Alexander spoke of killing someone?" Hephaistion questioned. "Because of the insults of today?" Ptolemy nodded. "You might have nothing to do with it?" Hephaistion asked quietly, his eyes narrowing in suspicion as he glared at Ptolemy.

"I mentioned it, perhaps," Ptolemy gave in, a secret smile upon his face. "But it matters not. Someone would have brought up the matter, anyway. And there are some who are now ready to kill Alexander. You know that as well as I. And _they_ must die," he pressed.

Hephaistion nodded, sighing. "Better them than Alexander."

Ptolemy also nodded, letting his hand drop to his side as they gazed over the darkening land before them. No words were spoken, and as the silence continued a moment, a shape shifted in the bushes some distance behind the couple.

As Cassander walked away and reached a safe distance from the two, he snorted, glancing back at the two other generals. "So, that is the kind of game you play, Ptolemy?" he smiled. "Well, two can play it. You'll see." Then he turned and walked back to the camp.

_to be continued…_


	11. Chapter 10

**Author's Note:** This chapter was updated and at some parts re-written to its proper form 289th of October 2005.

**

* * *

Chapter 10

* * *

**

_#Sometimes I seriously thought of killing him. Slowly. Agonisingly. But it was not my decision to make. Not an act for me to commit. Though I admit that I often searched for ways to show him in a bad light. To make the others see the poison he carried._

_Ever since we were boys, I disliked him. His arrogant self-assurance, the way he looked down upon others. Not worthy of anyone's trust, in my eyes. His jealousy was apparent, but none seemed to see him as a serious threat: not after we all became "friends", and always moved together in our games. I guess no one ever considered that one day he might turn against all of us – if it would bring any profit to him._

_Today, I would kill him without hesitation. Why? I am not sure. Perhaps because he robbed me of everything I have ever fought for._

_That thought is ridiculous, of course. Even today, I do not know if he committed the crime most horrible in my memories. But I hate him for many other reasons. And whenever his time shall come, and he will arrive in Hades's realm, I wish Alexander finally sees the real snake he is – and was._

_Cassander._

_He never was a true friend to none of us, not when we were children, and definitely not when we were adults and seeking our way to fulfil Alexander's dream.# _

Ptolemy walked through their temporary camp, his eyes searching for familiar faces. Men were slowly preparing to move forward, for tomorrow they would set to travelling again. Some of the commanders stood with their units, giving them orders or merely watching in observing silence. But something was missing: Ptolemy had not seen his fellow generals for some time, and a grip of suspicion was taking hold of his mind. He had grown used to that feeling lately: unreasonable doubt over even the most usual of things. But one could never be too careful, he knew.

Passing by another tent, Ptolemy halted suddenly, hearing voices from the inside. His skin prickled as he made out the words, and he took a swift look around, making sure no-one was near. Then he pressed closer to the tent, focusing at the voices inside.

"I tell you, my fellow Friends, that this is the time when we must choose our side. Ptolemy is already playing a game behind the king's back, and no doubt controlling him in more ways than one. We must unite before more harm will be done," Cassander's voice rang clearly in the air.

"How can you know he has any power over Alexander, beside the same, minor influence that we all have?" Polyperchon asked.

"Because I saw him with Hephaistion," Cassander announced, smile easily recognisable from his voice. "Wouldn't it be easy to ally with the lover of the king – now as the queen has proven to be useless – and so easily extend some further power over Alexander? Because Alexander will do exactly what Hephaistion wishes. He always has. It is the prize of his love."

"So Hephaistion might be behind this alone," added another voice, probably Antigonous.

"Who knows. Hephaistion has never shown any sign of such actions, but then again, he is a silent one. And _they_ are the dangerous ones. But I say we beware them both –" Cassander said, but then whipped around as the flap of the tent was opened.

"Leave Hephaistion out of this," Ptolemy said firmly, stepping into the ring of generals. Joining the conversation seemed the only reasonable thing for him to do.

"Of course you want us to leave him beyond our scrutiny: that has ensured you unlimited possibilities before," Cassander spat.

"For your own good, Cassander," Ptolemy said slowly with a menacing voice, "do not assault him. Or you will doom us all." How could he explain this to all the generals so they would understand it, despite their doubts? "If we were to… remove Hephaistion, we would lose all control we have over Alexander. You all know this, but in your fear you wish not to see it: without Hephaistion, Alexander will fall into ruin. And so shall we all, as a result."

"So you have already taken advantage of this," Cassander smile icily. "I saw you, so do not try to deny it!"

"What you might have seen –" Ptolemy began, but halted as a horrible possibility filled his mind. _What has he seen? How much…? If he has seen one of our most private encounters, he would have already used it against me_, he reasoned, his eyes turning to stone as he met Cassander's stare. _It would be more than useful for him to tell that I have managed to lure Hephaistion into my bed. But he has not revealed such a thing, so he knows nothing._ "What you have seen has been a discussion between friends, Cassander. For I _am_ a friend to Hephaistion, in a case you have forgotten. Like we all are friends to Alexander – or at least used to be."

Silence followed, all eyes directed to the wordless battle between Ptolemy and Cassander. Finally the latter one looked away, running his cold eyes over the other Friends. Then his gaze rested upon Ptolemy again, the hatred there almost burning. But Ptolemy stood his ground, and with a snort, Cassander replied to Ptolemy. "Fine," he spat, but his word promised little. "Have your game – for now. But you are being watched. And Hephaistion is still a threat to all of us," he continued, looking at the others. "He could easily talk Alexander into killing us all, replacing us with some _Asian_ commanders, who would be easier to control," he hissed with disdain. Then he left the tent, other generals following soon after him.

Ptolemy stood in silence, his thoughts slowly coming down from their spinning circles. He had almost lost the entire plan…

"You walk on thin ice, Ptolemy," came a silent voice, Nearchus standing to face him. "Be on your guard. And whatever game you play with Hephaistion…" he halted, steady eyes meeting Ptolemy's. "Don't underestimate him. Nor Alexander." Then the general left the tent as well, leaving Ptolemy to a tense tranquillity.

* * *

Hephaistion lay in his tent, half asleep. They had a hard journey before them, and rest was a thing his body yearned for. But his mind was too much on a move to let him sleep yet. Nothing particular occupied his thoughts, yet he was unable to just settle down and dream.

Men moved around his tent with their tasks, walking back and forth. Clinging sound of metal carried in the still night air, speaking of nightly activities. _Maybe I should get up and check my weapons_, Hephaistion pondered. _It would take some of my uneasiness away…_

There was a sudden noise from the outside, just beside his tent, and Hephaistion leaned up on his elbows just when a figure slipped into his shelter. He tensed, preparing for an attack, but the intruder raised no weapon against him. A weight settled upon him before he was able to move, sure hands drawing the blanket from his body. Warm lips assaulted his neck, hot breath bathing his skin.

"Do not be so tense," a low voice murmured, making Hephaistion relax slightly. "Easy, my love," the other crooned, smiling against Hephaistion's skin.

With an annoyed look, Hephaistion freed his hands from beneath the other and drew aside the cloak he was wearing. "You scared me, Alexander," he smiled, burying his fingers into the golden tresses as the other's eager mouth sucked the side of his neck.

"You have nothing to fear… with me," the king ground out, pushing Hephaistion down. His eyes shone in the darkness, locking with his lover's as he removed his clothing, revealing himself to the man he was about to love tonight.

Hephaistion didn't say anything, his mind immediately taking another route to close around that subject. But he forced his offending thoughts back, feeling Alexander's hands upon his own clothes. "You seem to be in a bit of a hurry," he teased, making Alexander lift his head.

The king stared at the blue eyes for a moment, then grinned, and swooped down at his prey. "You are not disapproving, are you?" he whispered against Hephaistion's ear, licking it slowly.

Hephaistion moaned, closing his eyes, and said no other word as he was undressed. Alexander was like a whirlwind upon him, his movements speaking clearly of what he wanted. But Hephaistion was not about to whine, and his body knew better than to protest. It was only when Alexander's fingers breached his body that Hephaistion's mind flared in guilt. Here he was, laying beneath a man he loved – and who loved him in return, thinking that he was devoted to him, and to him alone. Which was not the truth, of course. Just some nights ago, Hephaistion had lain with another man, willingly. Not a single thought of Alexander had passed his mind then, but now his thoughts were filled with memories of Ptolemy.

Alexander moved above his lover, capturing Hephaistion's lips into a swift kiss, and then he slid home, making Hephaistion's breath catch in his throat. Moaning in pleasure, Alexander moved his body in a pace he knew to please them both.

Hephaistion buried his face against Alexander's shoulder, his body surrendering. But even as his body took the pleasure offered, his mind kept following its agonising paths. _If Alexander would know, what would he do? Killing Ptolemy wouldn't be far from the truth… How do I feel so dirty all the sudden… And yet the answer is so simple: I have betrayed Alexander's trust._ He moaned, unconsciously pushing back against the other's body. _Gods, curse me for my weakness. He deserves better…_

Alexander groaned, reaching his completion. Kissing Hephaistion, he brought the other over the edge as well, smiling at his lover's smothered cry against his mouth. Then he drew back, fishing out a rag to clean them both. Hephaistion merely lay on his place, staring at the darkness as Alexander finished his task and settled down beside him. "You are awfully quiet tonight," Alexander whispered, smoothing Hephaistion's hair affectionately.

Hephaistion merely sighed, shaking his head. He did not wish to speak out his mind in a fear he would reveal too much. Alexander agreed to this, taking his place next to Hephaistion, wrapping his arms around the body beside his. The king's heart slowed down after a moment, his breathing following suit, and soon Hephaistion realised he was the only one awake. Shifting in the hold of his lover, he stared at the peaceful face before him. The lump in his throat was getting unbearable, and with a shuddery breath, he got up from his cot.

He found some clothes to wear and slipped into the cool night. The air felt freezing upon his still sweaty skin, making him shiver, but he ignored the feeling. Fighting off the tears that were threatening to break through his slipping control, he walked through the camp. He was not sure where he was heading before he found himself standing before Ptolemy's tent. Long, agonising minutes passed by as Hephaistion stood alone in the dark, weighing his options. He could return to his own tent and join Alexander in his slumber, or he could wander further around the camp. Or he could meet Ptolemy, and speak with the other. Of all the choices, the last was the most appealing one.

After a deep breath, Hephaistion walked to the door of the tent, opening the flap carefully. He allowed the pale rays of the moon inside, immediately realising that Ptolemy was not alone: deep in sleep, the general lay with a woman in his embrace. _Thais_, Hephaistion recognised. He was not sure which came first: the feel of betrayal or of loneliness. Of all times, he needed Ptolemy's company tonight. But here he stood, rejected by all sides. _That is not the truth_, he admitted to himself, but could not stop the tears. _He loves Thais, like Alexander loves Roxane. There is no way I could go between either of those loves. But that leaves me alone…_ Shaking his head, Hephaistion pulled back from the tent, willing himself to leave before disturbing the sleeping couple.

But Ptolemy was already awake, his long ago learned warrior-instincts warning him. Blinking sleepily, he gazed at the door of his tent. His eyes lost their haziness, however, when he met Hephaistion's eyes. Even as the other's face was hidden in darkness, the visible trail of tears slid down Hephaistion's cheeks, glistening in the light of the moon. Ptolemy opened his mouth to speak but Hephaistion had already slipped away, making the falling flap obscure his vision. Cursing softly, Ptolemy got to his feet, grabbed a cloak, and rushed out of his tent. As he emerged into the cool night air, it took him a small while to spot Hephaistion's distancing form. Drawing the cloak around his shoulders, he rushed after the other man, making his way to the other as soundlessly as possible: there was no reason to wake the entire camp. Or at least he hoped so…

When Ptolemy finally caught up with Hephaistion, the other had already stopped, a good way from the nearest tents. Steadying his erratic breath, Ptolemy slowed into a walk, halting only when he reached the other's side. Neither said anything for a long while, either in loss of words or merely waiting for the other to begin.

"What's wrong?"

Hephaistion closed his eyes, Ptolemy's question almost too logical in its innocent form. Of course something was wrong: he did not usually wander around the camp at night, disturbing the other's sleep. But he had no words for the other man, as much as he had desired to speak with him a moment ago. Now he wished to be alone – like he truly was in this world.

Ptolemy took a step closer, his chest almost touching Hephaistion's back "Hephaistion, what is the matter? Has something happened?" There was worry in his voice, unhidden. It would have been pointless to try and pretend around Hephaistion: the other was too smart for that.

Hephaistion bowed his head, trying to will Ptolemy to go away. Usually, if he was silent and ignoring long enough, the person bothering left him alone. But the other man stood his ground, silently waiting him to answer. Helpless, bitter anger rose in Hephaistion before he was able to stop it. His previous melancholy was washed away as it transformed into another emotion, pain twisting in his gut. It didn't matter who's fault this all was. He was so tired of this game, which in the end seemed to play perfectly against him. "Leave me alone…" he muttered as a warning, giving Ptolemy one, final chance to leave before he would snap.

Ptolemy indeed sensed that something was wrong, but dismissed the undertone in Hephaistion's voice, staying calm. "Tell me," he insisted.

Hephaistion let out a shuddery sigh, tears finally spent. "I am alone," he confessed, gazing at the sky with still glittering eyes. The other general tried in vain to hide his confused expression, and Hephaistion sniffed sadly, blinking. "You should go back to Thais. The night is cold, and she would be much happier with you by her side." He tried to keep his voice even, driving the anger down with mere willpower. He had no reason to blame Ptolemy… The other had given him exactly what he had craved for, and if there was a fault to be found, it lay in his mirror-image.

Finally Ptolemy thought he understood, but when he opened his mouth to reply, Hephaistion silenced him by shaking his head. Blue eyes still refused to meet his, but he saw such depression in them that it made his heart miss a beat.

"Alexander should go to Roxane. But so he will, when it pleases him. He comes and goes as he likes – which is the king's right. But he was more than a king to me. Before, I thought him as…" Hephaistion bit his lip, anger and sorrow mingling together. "I thought us as equals. He also spoke of us in a such way, as if I meant more to him than no other. The world was ours to have, but more than that, I was his, as he was mine… How foolish I was, and so naive! It was a dream of youths, when we hadn't yet seen the cruel world that waited outside our shared love." He drew a deep breath, his hands turning into painful fists. "He realised the truth soon enough, but to me he spoke those same lies of eternal love as we were together.

"But he bothers with such lies no longer. Not after Roxane. And only now I realise that I am the one standing alone among the bitter dreams that are fading away like the flowers of the summer. And when you made me feel alive again, I was forced to face another reality: you were bound to another. The only thing we share is a secret mission we bear to keep Alexander in power, and the lust we share in darkness when no other can see."

Pained eyes turned at Ptolemy, hollow and cold. "Yet Alexander had faith in me: faith that I would cherish our love, and keep the memory of it in my heart. That I would love him no matter what, and give that love to him when he would need it. But I corrupted that love with my own weakness. Curse my impure heart! I betrayed him without a purpose. He has no reason to love me now, if he would know how weak I am. He deserves better…"

As Hephaistion finally fell silent, Ptolemy didn't dare to say anything for a long while. _But partially, he is right. I love Thais. She will be my wife, my only one, and bear my children. That is the truth. But Hephaistion… it is a story with a quite different ending. And my feelings for him… They are no lesser in intensity than my love for Thais, but they are different. And I bet that Alexander loves Roxane in an entire different scale than he has ever loved Hephaistion._ Letting his hand slide against the other's, Ptolemy brought his fingers gently around the tightly pressed fist, trying to ease some of the tension in Hephaistion's body. "Alexander loves you. He always has, and always will. His heart may be blinded at the moment, but he will soon see where it lies. Even when we were boys, he loved you like no other, even before you gave your heart to him in return." He paused, considering his own words. "I… I care for you, more than the friend I used to be. But my love, even on its fullest, can never rival Alexander's. For his love alone you shall ever allow into your heart. It is perhaps not a conscious choice, but that is the _decision_ of your heart."

Hephaistion's body relaxed a little, his fingers intertwining with Ptolemy's. His eyes gazed at the dark world before them, numerous thoughts and memories passing their depths.

"Give him time," Ptolemy whispered, leaning his head against Hephaistion's. "He will see his mistakes before the end. And then he shall love you like before. At the moment, he is under too much pressure to express his deepest feelings. You know him. He is not so naive that he would not see that his men are not with him in this. It bothers him, but soon we shall move on, and the light of the Gods shall shine upon all of us."

"We are just passing the night…" Hephaistion muttered, finally turning to face Ptolemy. "You could have lied," he smiled suddenly, a small, sad smile. "You could have told me you love me, that we…" he halted, shaking his head.

"And you would have caught my lie in mid-flight," Ptolemy smiled in return, pressing their foreheads together. "But tell me one thing," he whispered. "Do you regret? Us? Your betrayal with me?" As much as he dreaded the answer, he had to know.

"Our shared sin…" Hephaistion swallowed, closing his eyes. Then he opened them again, gazing deep at Ptolemy's eyes. "No. I do not regret. And that probably hurts most."

Ptolemy nodded, but said no other word. They were not needed, and as the night wore on, they stood together in silence, both deep in thought.

_#Perhaps it was then when I finally began to understand how much harm my attempts to save Alexander had caused. But like Hephaistion said to me that night – and I know he was sincere with his answer – I did not regret. Yes, we could have restrained ourselves and kept our distance. But when I made up my mind to kiss him for the first time – or to lay with him – I knew it was a necessary thing to do. For him. He needed solace, a feel of safety. A feel of love. As strong as Hephaistion was, he was only human. And he needed to be loved in return.#_

_to be continued…_


	12. Chapter 11

**Author's Notes:** Hello again, and welcome aboard! It has been a long time since my last update, but now the earlier chapters have received their additions. (Check them out if you have the time. Few lines added here and there, and some entirely new scenes in some, for example in the chapter 4.)

I am here with a new chapter (as you might have noticed). I am trying to work more actively with this story now, to get it finished, but I have been ignorant for my main-project due the re-writing (if you happen to be a LotR-fan, check my story "The Last Journey"!).

In this chapter, we shall have some insight into Ptolemy's head and thoughts! And for animal friends: do not be too harsh on me! The scene later might be unrealistic, but could be done if lucky. Enjoy!

Thank you to Kitt of Lindon for betaing!

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Chapter 11

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_#At some points of our journey, I wished to stride right to Alexander and tell him everything. How I took his lover to my bed when the moment presented itself, and made him moan my name in the throes of his passion. How _I_ made him scream in his release, and push into my embrace after I had found my own fulfilment in his sweet body: the very same body only Alexander himself had tasted before. How good it would have felt, to see Alexander's face when I revealed him all that. The shock, the disbelief… defeat, perhaps. And I would have enjoyed it, to a certain point. Why? Because the way our great king treated his long-time companion was infuriating. But I held my peace, knowing that Hephaistion would have rather died than told Alexander._

_Of course Alexander's choices were understandable. He was a king, so he could practically do anything he wanted. Take any lover he wished for, and no-one would judge him for it. With no heir, he was naturally trying to become a father. He also wished to be a good husband to Roxane, to whom he had grown closer during our long journey. But that all left Hephaistion alone. And at times it looked to me as if the things would stay like that forever._

_But the moods of Alexander were ever changing, and that was another reason why I did not dare to do anything. _

_At one night, when I crept to Hephaistion's rooms in our current lodging, I found him already occupied. I watched for a moment, leaning against a dark corridor-wall beside the door, knowing all along that I should leave. But I stayed a while, trying to learn something of the situation so temptingly presented to me._

_I am sure none has ever dared to spy the great Alexander on a moment of his intimacy. But I watched, while his hands slowly slid along Hephaistion's body as his lover lay on his stomach on the bed, his fingers making the form before him shiver in anticipation. I couldn't but admire the way he handled Hephaistion, the full knowledge in his every movement speaking of experience. He knew how to worship Hephaistion, it seemed, when he allowed it to happen. His mouth moved to caress Hephaistion upper thighs, eliciting a gasp from the dark-haired man. His fingers moved to the soft curve of Hephaistion's buttocks, and finally I left them, knowing I could not watch more. But the next time I had Hephaistion in bed, I made sure to remember exactly how to make him beg to be taken._

_This was only one of the times when I caught Alexander with Hephaistion. And as much as those moments warmed my heart, I knew that all was not as well as it seemed. Hephaistion suffered. He took joy of every moment he had with Alexander, cherishing them within him until the next time they were together. In the meanwhile, I had my chance to be with him. But I was not the one he truly loved._

_Oh how I yearned to go and speak to Alexander of this! To make him understand that Hephaistion deserved better. King or no, he had once loved Hephaistion in a fashion the other man still loved him. Only Alexander had changed. Maybe he did not see it, and therefor I should have said something. _Done_ something. But I watched and waited, hoping that my king and friend would at some point understand what he was doing.#_

There was not near as much rain as before, which could have been taken as a good sign. Or then there would be miraculously two days in a row when it didn't rain, and then again a month when there would be no sun… Ptolemy grimaced, pushing away a great branch of a strange tree, leading his horse forward by the bridle. This country was strange – well, had been ever since they had left Persia – and the people inhabiting it even more so. Few of Crateros' men who were scouting before the army had claimed that they had seen strange humans in the trees yesterday. People with a dark skin, yet some claimed it had been a skin of fur.

Of course this statement had erupted a great laugh among the others, but Ptolemy was ready to believe quite anything of this land. The people living in it – ones they had met by far – had a dark skin, even more so than the Asians. If there were people moving up in the trees, Ptolemy was ready to accept it.

As if his thoughts became real, a series of shouts came from the path in front of him. Some Asian men were running back, shouting and pointing at the trees. It didn't take long from Ptolemy to seek out the shapes moving in the trees, unnatural screams filling the air.

Crateros rushed into sight, pointing at the trees and telling his archers to shoot the dark devils down. Arrows were aimed and released, but none hit their marks among the thick branches. "We battled them on the river, but then they ran into the direction of the army," Crateros told Ptolemy as they watched the strange, small people disappear into the canopy. "Do you think they are going to attack? They look strange to my eyes, but perhaps you have –"

"I've never seen anything like them," Ptolemy answered, shaking his head. "But… they did not appear to be armed."

A snort of a horse drew their gazes, Hephaistion riding to the sight with his cavalry. The blue eyes were directed upwards, looking after the distancing "enemies" with a puzzled look. "What is the matter?" he asked, lowering his gaze to his fellow generals.

"These strange people keep attacking us…" Crateros explained, his face troubled. "We drove them away again, but they shall return."

"They attacked us, how?" Hephaistion demanded to know.

"Well, they didn't actually 'attack'… But they keep making those noises, and the men grow worried," the general answered, his men nodding beside him anxiously.

Hephaistion nodded slowly, glancing up at the trees again. "Interesting," he muttered, and then looked at the riders around him. "Let us go forth, and see if we can find more of these strangers. I am growing eager to learn of them." The men didn't look happy about this, but seeing their leader was not worried a slightest, they rode proudly ahead.

"Be careful," Ptolemy shouted half-heartedly after the other general, gaining a humoured laugh.

"Of course," Hephaistion answered, and then bowed to move under a set of low branches.

Ptolemy looked after the cavalry, shaking his head. He did not know what Hephaistion was making of all this, but certainly the other was not afraid of there strange creatures, whatever they were. Too different to be human, yet too strange to be animals. That was what Ptolemy could make of them.

"This must be a sign from the Gods…" Crateros muttered unhappily beside Ptolemy, then picked up his shield and moved after the cavalry. His steps were slow and unwilling, like those of his men, but he knew he could not show fear. He was a general himself, after all.

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Hephaistion halted his horse a good way from his goal. He dismounted, took a pouch hanging from his saddle, and crept forward slowly. The rest of the cavalry stood still some dozen yards behind him, and Hephaistion could feel their nervous eyes on his back. But he felt more curious than afraid himself, and moved forward steadily.

Almost two dozen of the hairy creatures were settled upon the ground, feeding on dropped fruits and other eatable things. Few of them gazed at the advancing man cautiously, but Hephaistion moved slowly, trying to appear as harmless as possible. When he was five yards away from the animals – he thought them to be a species they had not encountered before – he settled down, slowly opening the bag in his hands. Some of the creatures were looking at him, smelling the air curiously.

With a self-satisfied smile, Hephaistion reached his hand to the bag and drew a dried fruit out, gently tossing it towards a nearest animal. The creature backed off, but soon came closer again, its eyes constantly darting between the item on the ground and the man who had thrown it. Finally it was close enough to take the piece of food, and seeing that the animal's appetite was as good as he had guessed, Hephaistion threw another piece of food to it. This was also consumed quickly, and the next piece landed closer to the man. "Come on, little fellow, come closer," Hephaistion cooed softly, smile upon his lips.

The animal moved slowly towards him, sometimes snatching the food to its hands and eating it further away, but always returning to get the next piece. Its mates had also noticed this source of food, and crept closer to observe the situation. Soon there was a good deal of squabbling about the food, and as Hephaistion once again put his hand back to the pouch, he suddenly found himself surrounded by the hairy creatures.

Their fur was silky yet rough against his skin, and their hands – not paws like the animals usually had – eagerly explored him in a search of more food. Hephaistion laughed, cautiously touching one of the animals as he gave it another piece of grub. The animal was too centred on feeding that it didn't even notice the unfamiliar touch. After few more minutes passed, Hephaistion fished out a leather collar from his pocket, gently sliding it around one of the creature's neck. He fastened it, making sure it was not too tight, and rewarded the animal with a piece of banana.

As the food was nearing its end, Hephaistion shooed the animals away, yet kept the one caught happy with chow. Its was entirely another process to get the animal on horseback, as the bigger animal didn't seem to greatly appreciate the idea. But after a short, calming talk, the horse allowed his rider to mount, the furry animal in his arms.

As Hephaistion rode back to his men, they stared at him in wonder, none of them daring to touch their catch. The animal stayed quite calm during their way back, munching happily on its meal. It looked this way and that, fingering Hephaistion's clothes, and making funny little noises when it was content. When they met the rest of the army, already camping up for the night, the animal started to move restlessly. Hephaistion tightened his hold on the leash, his other hand petting its fur, trying to calm the creature.

It seemed that his horse was happy to get rid of the strange passenger, and Hephaistion gave his mount a quick pat before moving forward. He was surrounded with men soon enough, everyone wishing to see his strange catch. "One of the locals said they are 'monkey'," one of the soldiers informed them, looking down at the creature. Hephaistion nodded, lifting his head as he heard a familiar voice: Alexander moved towards him, Roxane next to him.

"What is this?" Alexander laughed, his eyes immediately spotting Hephaistion's find. "Great Hephaistion has tamed our horrible enemy," he smirked, kneeling down opposite to Hephaistion. His face was curious and full of smile – like every time he discovered something new in the land he was travelling.

_#As I watched them crouch by the monkey, I couldn't but feel cold. Roxane didn't look too taken, either, disdain on her face. Maybe it was this human-like animal that disgusted her, or the entire land. Who knows. But what irritated _me_ most was the way Alexander acted._

_The king's fingers almost touched Hephaistion's as they petted the animal between them, and for a moment I could see their love bloom as before. But I knew it to be over soon, as the wind would change. All would fall back to normal. Hephaistion would cherish this one moment of closeness in his heart for as long as it would take from Alexander to "notice" him again. And in the meanwhile, I would have my time with him, as usual. I never complained, naturally. Only a fool would have. But by my opinion, Hephaistion deserved better. Something I could not give him, but only Alexander.#_

_to be continued…_


	13. Chapter 12

**Author's Note:** Thanks to Kitt of Lindon for betaing this one!

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Chapter 12

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_#I promised myself on an early stage of our relationship that I would not get careless. Neither of us could have afforded it, and the consequences... I didn't even wish to think of them. But as the months went by after one another, and Alexander seemed as oblivious to our relationship as ever, I think I started to slip. I became self-confident. And we both almost paid the price for that.#_

The rain was back, as expected. "Sooner or later", many said. All of them would have preferred the "later". But as it was, they had to bear with the water pouring on them from the sky, and pray that the Gods would have mercy on them soon.

Ptolemy sat unhappily on his horse, wet to the bone. It wasn't actually cold – yet – but he felt uncomfortable enough to even wish for the cold winds of Hindu Kush. _At least there was no water_, he thought, glancing at the sky. He had to look back down soon, wiping water off from his face and eyes with an annoyed scowl.

"You do not seem to be enjoying yourself too much," a voice next to Ptolemy laughed, lifting the moody general's spirits a little.

"How very brilliant of you to notice that, Hephaistion," Ptolemy shot back, meeting the other's smiling face. "Maybe the Gods have been angered by something, and are in a need of a sacrificial," he continued, eyeing Hephaistion's soaked form up and down. "Perhaps they would take you as an offering?" he suggested with a grin, dodging aside as Hephaistion punched him playfully.

"You have better use for me than that," Hephaistion said with a low voice, their legs touching as they rode side by side.

"And what would be that?" Ptolemy inquired, his eyebrows raising. Hephaistion did not answer in words, but their eyes locked together. Ptolemy shifted uncomfortably, seeing the heat on the other's blue depths. The invitation was all too clear, and Ptolemy's body reacted immediately, forecasting an unpleasant ride from now on.

Hephaistion smiled secretly, then guided his horse away, leaving the stricken Ptolemy alone with his bodily urges. He knew he would be forced to pay about his little game, but he was more than willing to take anything Ptolemy would come up with. With that thought warming him, he took his place on the line, rain momentarily forgotten.

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Ptolemy had never been so happy in his life as they came across a large village – or a small city, actually – and Alexander called a halt. Those highest in rank made their way inside the stone-build bastion, being escorted to their rooms by respectful servants. After he had changed into dry clothes and seen for Thais, Ptolemy made his way through the dim corridors to the main hall where a dinner and celebration would take place tonight. _At least I hope that this city is kind to us. There has been places where –_ Ptolemy's train of thoughts halted as Hephaistion appeared before him, walking from another corridor. The other man bounced around quickly, becoming aware of Ptolemy's presence. They stared at each other for a moment, eyes locked and bodies alert.

Ptolemy went forward, his body pushing Hephaistion's against the hard wall, his lips finding the other's with all the heat that had gathered in him since their little talk earlier. A small voice inside Ptolemy's head screamed something of caution, but he ignored it while grinding his body against his lover's, eliciting a groan from Hephaistion. The other's hands were rough around his shoulders, trying to draw him away, but his leverage was better than Hephaistion's.

"Not here," Hephaistion was able to ground out, moaning deliriously as Ptolemy's hand forced his legs apart, increasing the friction of their bodies. "Ai, Ptolemy…" he panted, all reason disappearing before the wall of pleasure as the heat overran all his other senses. He pressed his face against the side of Ptolemy's neck, trying to keep quiet as Ptolemy's hands searched the edge of his chiton, lifting it above his hips to give him a full access to his body. Warm hands splayed across his heated skin, gripping tight enough to arouse him even more. He could feel Ptolemy's pleasure against him, and it drove him into frenzy.

"Sweet Zeus, Hephaistion," Ptolemy groaned, lifting the other, leaving his lover's body caught between himself and the stone. "I want you so bad," he moaned to the other's ear, hearing an answering groan. All he could think was the moment when Hephaistion's sweet, hot body would take him in, the resistance won with pure strength and need…

Laughter echoed through the corridor, making them both freeze in sudden shock. Alexander came into view, most of the generals walking beside him on their way to the main hall. The entire party halted, their eyes falling upon the couple pressed against the wall. Ptolemy had no time to curse, no time to think as he met Alexander's eyes in the dimness. But Alexander was looking past him, to the man he still held in his arms.

Before Ptolemy could make another move, Hephaistion pushed against him, his legs tripping the other to the ground. Ptolemy fell down to his back, Hephaistion landing on top of him, sitting across his lap with a breathy laugh. Looking up from his place on the ground, Hephaistion smiled at Alexander. "Ptolemy here wouldn't believe that I still had the skill to bring him down, after all these years since we last wrestled together."

Ptolemy kept very still, feeling the tenseness in Hephaistion's body. The lie was smart enough, but… _Will Alexander swallow it? How much did he see?_

Alexander laughed heartily, shaking his head. "You should have believed him, Ptolemy. All those times he made you roll in the sand, and you dare to doubt him?" The king stepped forward, lifting Hephaistion to his feet, and then gave his hand to Ptolemy to help him up.

"Indeed, but I got my lesson," Ptolemy said darkly, taking the offered hand. The ache on his back was nothing to compared to his shocked mind, still not believing that Hephaistion's lie was taken in so easily. But the other generals were smiling as well, throwing remarks of their little "match", and then they all turned to make their way to the hall.

Hephaistion's eyes met Ptolemy's momentarily, masked fear slowly fading from them. But they both had got a shock of their life a moment ago, and it would not be overcome quickly.

_#That was the first time he ever lied for me, straight to Alexander's face. It saved my life, probably. He could have said I had assaulted him – a fact Alexander would have assumed anyway – and that would have been the end of mine. But he lied instead. Risking both of us._

_After a moment of relief, I began to ponder what had just taken place – I still think it at times, remembering the second of terror on his face as he saw Alexander standing behind me. What made me commit such a rash move, I do not know still, but I understood immediately that I had almost ruined everything I had ever fought for. And the way I treated him… It was unforgivable. There was nothing to justify the act I had committed, and the danger I had put us in.#_

Wine flowed and warmed the hearts of men, driving back the lingering memory of the rain and cold. Laughter echoed in the stone-halls, shouts and pieces of songs mingling up into a disorderly cacophony. In the dark corners, acts unsuitable for most eyes were taking place, but Ptolemy paid no heed to those. His eyes remained on Hephaistion, who was sitting next to Alexander.

The king was laughing, now and then leaning closer to whisper something into Hephaistion's ear. But despite all the joy around him, Hephaistion did not laugh. He smiled, at times, but the expression had nothing in itself. Just the false facade. Ptolemy saw this, but Alexander either didn't notice or merely ignored it.

As if sensing the other's gaze, Hephaistion glanced at Ptolemy's direction. Their eyes met, but Hephaistion turned his gaze away before Ptolemy was able to do another thing. He cursed in his mind, settling back to wait again. He would talk with Hephaistion as soon as they were alone. He needed to apologise, and make sure the other was alright.

"What is it, Ptolemy? Aren't you enjoying this fine night?" a slurred voice asked rather loudly, Cassander leaning over Ptolemy's shoulder. His brown eyes narrowed, gazing at Hephaistion's direction before falling back to Ptolemy. "Or are you still brooding over the fact that you couldn't finish with him?" he asked with a low voice, the look in his eyes changing.

Ptolemy stiffened, his composure turning swiftly into anger. "Watch your words, insolent brat. Speak not of things that you cannot understand."

"Oh, but I think I understand perfectly," Cassander hissed, taking a sip from the goblet he held in his hand. "Will you go to him after the celebration is over, and make him moan your name? Does it make you feel powerful, Ptolemy? To think that you are almost like Alexander, as you have the king's lover in your bed beneath you?" His smile didn't fade at once during his account, malice gleaming in his eyes.

Ptolemy grabbed Cassander's front into a firm grip, death in his eyes. "You speak of him in such a manner _one_ more time, and I will see for your death myself, Cassander. Now remove yourself from my sight!" He pushed the other man back, ready to kill him if he would dare to come back. But Cassander merely smiled, lifting his goblet mockingly, and walked away.

With a sigh full of agony, Ptolemy ran his hand through his hair, returning his gaze back to Hephaistion. He found the blue eyes staring at him, concern and wariness in them. Ptolemy shook his head, his eyes seeking out every general in the room. Cassander was not speaking to any of them, but that meant nothing. As he looked back at his lover, he saw Hephaistion whispering something at Alexander. The king nodded, and Hephaistion rose, making his way out of the hall.

Ptolemy got up quickly, making his way through the room, taking a longer route in means to keep his intentions hidden. As he came to the corridor into which Hephaistion had disappeared, he walked towards cautiously, not knowing where the other man had gone. But he found Hephaistion a few junctions later, leaning against the wall with a troubled expression.

"To my room," Hephaistion said before Ptolemy had time to speak anything, and without waiting for an answer he pushed away from the wall and walked ahead. Ptolemy followed, knowing that the other most likely knew what he was doing. They came across Hephaistion's room soon enough, and after Ptolemy had entered, Hephaistion threw a one, last glance at the corridor before entering himself.

"I –" Ptolemy began, but stopped as Hephaistion lifted his hand.

"What was it that Cassander wanted?" the blue-eyed general asked with a demanding voice.

"Nothing worth of importance to tell forth," Ptolemy answered, unwilling to worry Hephaistion more than he already was.

Hephaistion raised his eyebrow, taking a step closer. "What – did – he – want?" he asked again, pressing each syllable.

Ptolemy took a step back, shaking his head. "It is not the reason why I came here. All I wanted to do was to apology for my earlier behaviour. It will never happen again, I swear."

"Well, now you have said what you came here for," Hephaistion said with a cold tone. "Now tell me what I want to know. What did Cassander want?"

Ptolemy kept his mouth shut, his eyes unyielding as he stared at Hephaistion. But he was fighting a losing battle, and the only thing he could do was to give in or to leave – immediately. But the way Hephaistion pinned him down with his adamant stare and cold authority kept him right where he was. Finally, with a ragged sigh, Ptolemy sat down on Hephaistion's bed and leaned his head to his hands. "He knows about us, Hephaistion. He either guessed, or just knows. Which may in turn mean that all the Friends know."

Hephaistion stood very still, slowly shaking his head. "How could they know? Cassander perhaps: he is a snake enough to make up the truth, but the others will not know unless he told them."

"He did exactly that," Ptolemy replied slowly.

"When?" Hephaistion asked far too calmly.

"Soon after Alexander decided to go on, after Cleitus' death."

Hephaistion took a deep breath, his hands tightening across his chest. "How are we supposed to go from this on?"

"We keep a low profile, and I speak to the Friends if needed. Again."

"You have done that before?" Hephaistion practically shouted, his hands falling to his sides, fisting.

"To ensure your survival!" Ptolemy shot up, his hands gripping Hephaistion's shoulders. "To keep you safe," he murmured, more softly. "They accuse you of playing Alexander. They cannot be sure if I am involved, or if you are playing me along as well."

"In that case, I would be very successful, wouldn't I?" Hephaistion whispered, his face suddenly pale.

"Yes," Ptolemy answered simply, giving into the temptation and kissing Hephaistion. The other man did not respond at first, but the way his breath caught told Ptolemy he was not outright rejected. Tilting his head, his tongue snaked out, and parting Hephaistion's lips with his own he let the wet muscle enter the willing mouth. It was a slow kiss, nothing like their earlier, heated one. This was one of comfort, to tell Hephaistion he was not alone.

Hephaistion closed his eyes, his hands coming to rest upon Ptolemy's shoulders. His mind tried still to fully comprehend what he had just been told, but he decided to let the matter rest for a while, and face the problem when it would eventually present itself. All he had to do was to be prepared. He felt like smiling as Ptolemy slid his tongue against his, caressing, apology written in his every movement. _But I am as much of a fault as he, to the accident earlier. But it is good to know that he actually cares…_

Ptolemy drew away at last, licking his lips slowly, steadying his breathe. His eyes tried to seek Hephaistion's, but the other's blue ones were still closed, as if in a dream. Ptolemy nudged Hephaistion with his head, smiling at the other's display of innocence. "I am sorry you had to make that for me. And in front of Alexander." Hephaistion nodded, his eyes remaining closed, and Ptolemy fought back the urge to kiss the still wet lips again. "I should have never pushed you into a position that you had to lie for me," he whispered, actually brushing their lips together, wanting to feel the other's mouth again. He wished to feel a whole lot more, but he was not sure if it would be a smart thing to do – considering what had happened earlier.

Hephaistion let out a soft snort, his eyes opening slowly, narrowing as he gazed at Ptolemy. "I –" he halted, Ptolemy's right hand sneaking unconsciously up his thigh. He saw the moment in Ptolemy's eyes when the other realised what he was doing, the hand being snatched away almost urgently.

"My body cannot resist you," Ptolemy confessed almost bashfully.

Hephaistion did not comment anything to that, knowing it would lead into actions that required time and privacy – and he had neither. "You must leave," he said, pushing gently out of Ptolemy's hold. "Alexander will be here soon."

The words almost hurt, but it was a price Ptolemy was used to pay of his relationship with Hephaistion. With a court nod, he smoothed his lover's hair once more, and then walked past him to the door. He hadn't even got to the end of the corridor before Alexander appeared, entering Hephaistion's room without a knock. With one, remorseful look, Ptolemy returned to his own rooms, wondering if Thais was still awake.

_to be continued…_


	14. Chapter 13

**Author's Notes:** Here we shall finally get some real action into this story (not _that_ kind of action, you who are interpreting this statement with a dirty imagination…)! This is a good time as any to remind people that Hephaistion is a warrior, after all (and in a big trouble, thanks to a certain lover(s) of his…). Things are just starting to get serious here. Have a "fun" time, and remember to review, as usual!

Many thanks to Kitt of Lindon of betaing this!

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Chapter 13

_#There are days which you do not wish to remember. But even more regrettable are the days which you do not even wish to exist. The day when Alexander caught me with Hephaistion was one of them. But even more I now hate the day after, when I finally came to realise the depth of my plans – and their effects to the people I cared about. I should have seen it coming, I know now. I should have stayed with him. But I made a wrong conclusion, and Hephaistion paid for it – almost with his life.#_

A new day was not starting well. After leaving Hephaistion's rooms the previous night, Ptolemy had wished to forget all about the stressing events of the day – and the fact Alexander was now with his lover, most likely doing something along the lines Ptolemy very much yearned for. So he had went to his own quarters, woken Thais, and made love to her. But it had been nothing like Ptolemy had wanted. His thoughts remained on Hephaistion – even as he knew they should have not – and his moment of closeness ended up being a pale substitute for something he truly wanted.

After Thais had fallen back to sleep, Ptolemy had lain in his bed for some hours, unable to rest. Finally he had got back up and dressed, trying to find some comfort in the outside world. He had ended up wandering the city until morning, when he had suddenly "found" company.

"Ptolemy? You have a moment?" came a call through the still, oppressing air.

Ptolemy turned to look behind, almost groaning as he saw Leonnatus and Perdiccas approach him. Nearchus walked some distance behind the two, looking as tired as Ptolemy felt. "Good morning, friends. You are up early," Ptolemy called out in return. Indeed, the sun hadn't even risen yet.

"We wished to speak with you before the others would wake up," Leonnatus confessed, but his eyes were serious under the smile he wore.

"I never knew they meant _this_ early," Nearchus muttered, holding his head. He had probably had too much wine again, and was now suffering the after-effects.

"And why such a sudden desire to speak with me?" Ptolemy inquired, even if he didn't want to hear the answer. _Curse you, Cassander, if you have spoken to them._ But he waited, knowing that he had to play carefully.

"About you and Hephaistion," Perdiccas answered, glancing at his companions.

Ptolemy kept his face still with an effort, unwilling to let anything slip through for the others to see. _I can deny everything. We all know Cassander's nature, which is not the most reliable one. And Hephaistion would never lie with another…_

"Some of the Friends are getting quite nervous of the possibility you two are… gauging Alexander's actions," Nearchus continued. "We thought to speak with you before the worse happens. Nothing is planned, of course," he said quickly, seeing Ptolemy's expression, "but some are uneasy. I do not have to give you names, naturally." There was a rueful smile on his face, speaking of distaste over the whole matter.

"So the tension has been building all since Cleitus' death, and _now_ the atmosphere is getting alarming?" Ptolemy asked carefully. He was almost light-headed, realising that Cassander hadn't spoken, at least yet.

"Yes, and Cassander is ever ready to speak against you," Leonnatus revealed. "We all know that Hephaistion is something we should not lay our hands on, but some are convinced that he is a threat. As are you," he pointed out, his eyes narrowing as he looked at Ptolemy.

"You know me – and Hephaistion. Have known ever since we were children," Ptolemy said slowly. "Do you not have any faith in us?"

"We are no longer boys, Ptolemy," Perdiccas said darkly. "We are men, and men have to fight over their position in the society. Men like us… We cannot look back at the past, and by those memories decide to whom we put our trust."

They all fell silent, looking from one to another, or merely staring at nothingness. When Nearchus finally turned to walk away, the others followed, none daring the silence. Few were awake at this hour, passing the generals with down-cast eyes, trying not to disturb their quiet debate.

"So why do you tell me this?" Ptolemy finally asked as they entered the building they had been housed in the day before. "What is it you want from me? The truth? Or a favour? To know on who's side I am?"

"We are not sure ourselves," Nearchus answered for the younger men. "You have been warned before about the risks of your game, and I know you are smart enough to understand them on your own…" There was silence again, Leonnatus and Perdiccas keeping an eye on the other two. "Does Hephaistion know?" Nearchus asked finally. "That he is… suspected."

Ptolemy said nothing for a moment, his brow furrowing. _How much can I tell them? And what are they expecting me to say?_ "In his position, he has to be always on his guard and careful. He has enemies even without accusations like this."

"So he is innocent? Is that what you are trying to say?" Nearchus questioned.

"No-one is innocent. Not in the world of ours," Ptolemy said sarcastically.

They all halted as evident sounds of a struggle echoed on the walls, coming from somewhere in the corridors. The noise went on, making the four generals glance at each other. "Some soldiers, fighting off the last night's disagreement again," Perdiccas guessed.

"Or someone who just found his wife occupied," Leonnatus chuckled. "I have seen such a thing happen before. Her husband wasn't too happy about it – nor her lover when the husband was done with him."

"Maybe we should go and take a look, just to be sure," Nearchus shrugged. "Just to make sure no-one gets killed." The men laughed and walked towards the sounds, not wishing it to be from any of their units who ended up pressed down to the cold stones.

**Half an hour before**

Hephaistion woke up in the darkness of his room. The sun wasn't up yet, he was certain, and the silence in the corridors spoke of early hours. A steady breathing came from beside him, a blond hair mingling with his dark one. Alexander was still asleep, his left hand wrapped around Hephaistion's waist. _He actually stayed the night_, Hephaistion smiled, watching the other's sleeping form with shining eyes. Such small display of affection never left him cold, and he would remember this time when Alexander again would leave him alone to his bed.

The king murmured something in his sleep, and then opened his eyes, blinking to restore his vision. His eyes fell upon Hephaistion, a small smile crossing his features. "Good morning," Hephaistion greeted, stealing boldly a kiss from Alexander's lips. The king groaned, his hands coming up to fist in his lover's hair, pulling him back towards his mouth. They kissed slowly, still tasting each other in their mouths after the last night's lovemaking.

"Good morning indeed," Alexander agreed, his right hand travelling lower to pull Hephaistion completely on top of him. Their naked skins seemed to melt together, the friction unbearable. Lowering Hephaistion's head for another kiss, Alexander cupped his rear with his free hand, forcing the other's body into a slow rhythm above him.

Hephaistion gasped, his hands fisting into the mattress. His legs tried to find some leverage, but Alexander's hold of him was firm enough to leave him helpless. "God, Alexander…" he moaned, gasping for air. "You…"

Alexander frowned, hunting his lover's lips with his own, silencing him effectively. Though kissing Hephaistion had never kept him completely silent. But the way the other man moaned and whimpered into your mouth made you only want him more. And Alexander had always wanted Hephaistion – in all ways possible. Pushing up with his own hips, Alexander bit Hephaistion's lower lip, groaning himself. His lover's body jerked above him, sending shivers down his spine.

His both hands now on Hephaistion's bottom, Alexander pulled his mouth free. His eyes locked with the blue ones, holding them prisoner as he worked their bodies a little closer to the edge. When Hephaistion again closed his eyes, a perfect signal of that he was close, Alexander sat up abruptly, still holding Hephaistion's hips against his. His lover gave him a puzzled look, biting his lips in frustration.

"Alexander…" Hephaistion moaned, bucking against his lover to find release.

"Hush," Alexander reassured, lifting his hips slightly. It took a short moment before Hephaistion understood what he wanted, and the way the blue eyes grew dilated spoke volumes. With a self-assured smile, Alexander shifted the strong legs straddling him even further apart, and then urged his partner back down. Alexander groaned as Hephaistion welcomed him in, but the other man made no sound, his mind and body beyond that.

Alexander stroked the strong back, feeling the violent shivers under his palm and against his body. He moved experimentally, his smile growing even wider as Hephaistion moaned helplessly, trying to match Alexander's movement. "My poor Hephaistion! So utterly on my mercy," Alexander laughed, smoothing the dark hair back. Hephaistion made an annoyed sound, but did not move, his head resting against Alexander's shoulder. "Come now, love. I know you can do it," Alexander encouraged, moving his hips upwards again. "And I surely know that you want it," he teased with a lower voice, kissing the side of the other's face.

The blue eyes opened, staring at the king with mixed emotions. It took a moment from Hephaistion to collect himself, but finally he managed to sit upright, his hands circling Alexander's neck for support. Their eyes met again, and after deciding Hephaistion might still need some support, Alexander moved his hands down to the strong buttocks. Hephaistion smiled, giving Alexander one final kiss before setting on a task of pleasuring them both.

Hephaistion came first, as was expected, his body tightly in Alexander's embrace on the moment of his release. He moaned his lover's name in a never-ending litany, trying to suppress the shivers shaking his body. After Hephaistion's body went slack, the perfect skin sweaty beneath his hands, Alexander rolled them around, pressing his lover forcefully to the mattress as he sought out his own completion. Hephaistion merely watched him, his hands ever constant on Alexander's body, pulling his king closer as Alexander finally came deep within him.

"I love you," Alexander moaned, kissing the shoulder before him gently. "To the end of my life, I will. And beyond it."

"As will I," Hephaistion vowed in return. "In death, in life… it is all the same for me. Only you, Alexander. Only you have my heart…"

They lay together for a while, letting their breathes fall back to normal speed. Then they kissed again, and got up to prepare for another day. Hephaistion washed Alexander in his rooms, allowing the king to leave before tending for himself. "I will see you at the breakfast," Alexander whispered as he placed a gentle kiss on his lover's cheek. Then he left the room, heading out for the main hall.

Hephaistion took his time, washing his body clean and searching a clean chiton to wear. He did not bother to put his armour on yet, knowing that he would be forced to wear it soon enough anyway. Then he headed out for the breakfast, knowing that Alexander would not look kindly at him if he delayed too long.

As he walked through the dim corridors, Hephaistion got a sudden feeling that he was being watched. He even halted a few times, but heard nothing but his own breathing. Deciding that he was getting paranoid, he kept walking, forcing his steps back to their normal pace.

Three men came across him abruptly, their appearance too well timed to be an accident. They surrounded him neatly, blocking his path. Hephaistion halted, uncertain what to do, searching the others' faces in the darkness. _One Macedonian and two Asians_, he counted, his body bracing itself in alarm. "Let me pass," he told the men, knowing that the authority in his voice was enough to command an entire cavalry on their places with full speed.

But these men did not move, their eyes remaining glued to him. Hephaistion started to feel far too caught for his own liking, and with an annoyed intake of breathe, he pushed past the two Asians in front of him. Or that was what he set out to do. As soon as he moved forward, the Macedonian behind him shot forward, the elbow connecting Hephaistion's back being enough to bring the general down to the hard stone floor.

Gasping for air, Hephaistion tried to regain his vision that was currently swimming with black dots. His instincts warned him before his head became clear, and he dodged aside, a metallic sound of a ringing blade filling his ears as the weapon hit the stone beside his head. There was no more hesitation in Hephaistion's movements as he jumped to his feet, knowing he was defending his life. He caught the Macedonian's hand as the man directed another strike in his direction, using the momentum to kick one of the Asians weaponless. The still armed Asian, more solidly built than the others, came forward, forcing Hephaistion to release the Macedonian as the general dove away from the powerful fist.

Turning around to meet his opponents again, Hephaistion released his own blade hanging on his side. It was a small knife, but better than nothing by his opinion. The three spread around him again, making sure that he could not attack them all at once. Taking a step back, Hephaistion found himself back against the wall. It felt securing, yet it gave him very little space to move. And space he would need if he wished to take down all three of his enemies.

The smaller Asian moved forward, silently advancing their prey. It seemed that the attackers were unwilling to drag any outside attention on them. Waiting for the other come close enough, Hephaistion moved out, blocking the swing of a short sword, and trying to use his own weapon as the other was unbalanced. But the other Asian was already upon him, clasping Hephaistion's right hand into a tight grip. It was all Hephaistion could do to not cry out as he felt a fierce pain assault his hand, the knife dropping from his grasp. With a desperate strength, Hephaistion kicked out, hitting the bigger Asian just below the knee. Yanking his hand free, Hephaistion welcomed the smaller one who was again moving towards him. Taking a hold of the charging Asian's shoulders, Hephaistion moved aside and pushed the other against the wall, feeling no pity as the man let out a pained shout, collapsing to the floor into an unmoving heap.

_One down, two to go_, Hephaistion counted, leaving the unconscious man aside from his thoughts for a while. His right hand ached, but he knew nothing was broken there. Eyeing the floor quickly, he noticed his abandoned weapon. But before he was able to move towards the knife, the Macedonian kicked it away, smiling at him with a cold light in his eyes.

"Time to die, _lord_ Hephaistion," the Macedonian said with a low, taunting voice, drawing his sword free. The Asian beside him was looking at his fallen companion, the hatred in his eyes increasing as he lifted his gaze back to the general before them.

Hephaistion lowered his stance, his body alert. He was perhaps an underdog in this fight, but he would soon teach these two to select their targets better in the future. As the Asian moved forward, he met the other's body, turning sideways as they collided together and using the other's momentum to throw him over his back. The Asian grunted, trying to get back to his feet. Hephaistion aimed a kick at the man's head, slightly missing it, and moved down, pinning the bigger man to the ground between his legs. The Asian fought to get up, but Hephaistion was far too practised to let go. It was not in vain why the other soldiers respected his skills in a close combat – Alexander among them.

A breath of air warned Hephaistion, and he dodged down, feeling the tip of the sword cut his cheek. The Macedonian moved closer, lifting his sword for a final strike. Without another thought, Hephaistion hooked his left arm behind the standing man's leg, making him fall and drop his sword in the process. The Macedonian cursed, but fished out a knife before Hephaistion could do anything else.

It was not easy to fight another opponent in a position he was in, but Hephaistion knew he had no other choice if he wanted to live. As the Macedonian brought his blade forth, Hephaistion pulled to the side. Pain stung in his arm as the knife cut into his skin, the muscles of his legs screaming with effort as the Asian struggled to get free. Taking a hold of the Macedonian's arm, Hephaistion pulled the other man's body close to his own, knowing that is would make the other man's further attempts more difficult.

The Asian struggled even more, but having the weight of the other men on him made his movements difficult. The Macedonian tried to free his arm, the blade in his caught hand scraping across Hephaistion's chest. Knowing that he could not hold on much longer, Hephaistion freed his right hand and elbowed the Macedonian behind him. He both heard and felt the other man grunt in pain, the knife falling from his hand. The weight of the other pushed against Hephaistion's back, making it difficult for him to hold the Asian prisoner beneath him.

With an exclamation of triumph, the Asian caught the fallen weapon to his hand. Hephaistion tightened his legs, making it difficult for the Asian to breath, but it was too late. The blade cut across his thighs, and even from the bad angle in which his attacker was in, the wounds were deep enough to make his vision swim. He knew they were not cuts deep enough to kill, but he was already losing his strength.

The knife came up a second time, aiming for Hephaistion's chest this time. The blue eyes widened, mind frozen with pain and dizziness. The Macedonian was also regaining his strength, his arm locking around Hephaistion's neck to keep him still and preventing him from breathing. But at that very moment the corridor was filled with shouts as four men came into view, charging forward without another thought. The Macedonian cursed, trying to get up, but a sword cut through his chest before he got another step. The Asian was not spared, either, a spear sinking to his back with a sickening sound. Hands were upon Hephaistion, drawing him away from the dead.

"Hephaistion! Are you well? Speak to me, please!" Ptolemy's voice pleaded, his hands checking the other man's body as quickly and gently as possible.

"There's blood on him," Nearchus pointed out. "Perdiccas, get a doctor!" he shouted, pushing the other man onto move.

"No, please, I can survive myself," Hephaistion called out, trying to focus his eyes.

"They look pretty bad, Hephaistion," Leonnatus put in. "Better get a doctor." Perdiccas stood in the middle of a corridor, looking this way and that to get a confirmation from someone of what he was supposed to do.

"Alexander… I don't want him to hear of this," Hephaistion said quietly, his eyes pleading as he gazed at Ptolemy. If a doctor would be called, the king would know in an instant.

"I will tend for him," Ptolemy said, his eyes never leaving Hephaistion's. "Just get rid of the bodies."

Nearchus did not look too happy about this, but he set to his task without complain. Leonnatus and Perdiccas went to help him while Ptolemy lifted Hephaistion from the floor and guided him back to his rooms. Setting the wounded man down to the bed, Ptolemy went to search for water and clean cloth. When he returned, Hephaistion was laying on the bed, his eyes closed and brow furrowed in pain.

"What happened?" Ptolemy asked as he sat down next to Hephaistion, his hands slowly undoing the blood-smeared clothing.

"What did it look like?" Hephaistion hissed, his eyes opening. They shone with pain, but there was something else in them that made Ptolemy halt in his task. "They were going to kill me," the other man continued, his eyes shifting away.

"Did they say why?" Ptolemy demanded, horrible feeling settling inside his guts.

"There are many reasons to kill me, Ptolemy. They do not need to say them, as I don't need to hear them," Hephaistion answered, his voice distant. "But today, I will live. Tomorrow…"

"I will protect you," Ptolemy vowed, voice adamant and face set. His tone was firm enough that Hephaistion turned to look at him, his face shocked. "This is my fault," Ptolemy continued, wiping away the blood on Hephaistion's cheek. "I will see no more harm coming to you."

"You speak great words, Ptolemy," Hephaistion answered quietly, his hand shifting to lay on the other's thigh as Ptolemy pressed another piece of fabric against his thighs to stop the blood-loss. "But you cannot protect me from the whole world any more than Alexander can. Only the will of Gods will keep us from Hades. Today, they saw it justified to let me live."

Ptolemy was silent, carefully cleaning the wound on Hephaistion's arm, then moving down to his chest. As he was finished there, he pulled away the red-coloured clothing on the thighs, grimacing as he wiped away the remnants of the red liquid. "Maybe we should summon a doctor, after all," he began, but Hephaistion shook his head.

"Just bind them. We are already late from the breakfast, and I do not want Alexander asking questions." Ptolemy gave him a sceptical look, but after an annoyed glance, the other man did as he was told. Hephaistion settled down at the mattress, trying not to wince in pain as the dressings were bound. He had also felt definitely better in his life as he got up, walking across his room to find another chiton to wear.

"What harm would it do if Alexander knew someone tried to murder you?" Ptolemy asked finally, emptying the bloody water from the basin.

"He might ask the right questions, and find out about us," Hephaistion concluded. "There is enough for him to worry, and I can handle this on my own."

"Indeed, I saw how well you _handled_ it," Ptolemy replied ironically. "And Friends are not yet aware of us. Plus, Alexander has even less faith in Cassander than we do. He would not believe a single word from him."

"But it would set a doubt to his mind," Hephaistion said far too calmly as he looked at his image from a mirror. "I will not see that to happen." He smoothed his hair, trying to ignore the shaking of his hands. _"I love you. To the end of my life, I will. And beyond it."_ Alexander's words rang in his mind, over and over again. _I vowed to love him, and so I will. For him, I shall die at any day – but first knowing he will go on._ "If I would die, you would keep protecting Alexander, would you?" he asked, meeting Ptolemy's eyes through the mirror.

"Let's not speak of your death," Ptolemy said darkly. "If you are ready, we should go."

Hephaistion nodded, taking it slow to adjust to the pain. The limp in his walk was apparent, and it took Alexander only one seconds to notice it as they entered the dining hall. The king was on his feet in an instant, scaring most of the people sitting around him. "What has happened?" he demanded, halting on Hephaistion's side. His fingers touched the fresh wound on his lover's cheek, his eyes darkening.

"It is nothing," Hephaistion smiled. "I just got into a little fight with some other soldiers – a playful one of that. It was my own fault to get hurt. It seems I need a little more practise than I thought," he added, silently enough for only Alexander to hear. "Ptolemy came for my rescue, and saved my honour," he smirked, nodding at Ptolemy's direction.

Alexander did not look quite convinced, but as Ptolemy did not disagree, he merely nodded and guided Hephaistion on his place beside his. As Hephaistion greeted the others, feeling Alexander's hand resting against the small of his back, he met Cassander's eyes across the table. The mere look there made his breath catch. If it was disappointment or surprise, it was well hidden. But the displeasure was apparent in the cool depths, and Hephaistion couldn't resist an urge to quickly glance at Ptolemy. He drew his gaze away immediately, knowing he should not give Cassander the pleasure he was after. Smiling at Alexander as they sat down to eat, Hephaistion tried to act as normally as possible. He felt safe beside the king, but he knew it wouldn't be so for long. Not if the whole world stood against him, as it seemed to do now.

_#I noticed the way Cassander stared at us from the moment we entered the hall. He kept my stare captive for long moments as I sat down to my place, a promise there that I couldn't read. Then he turned his eyes on Hephaistion, just before he sat down with Alexander, and I suddenly knew exactly what kind of a _promise_ that gaze held. After he had made his point clear to Hephaistion, he turned his gaze on me, leaning back in his chair in a fashion that made my heart turn cold. If this was a man behind the murder-attempt of Hephaistion, I would have killed him. But Cassander was a snake – born as one, died as one – and what he really was capable of remained as a mystery._

_But I hated him none the less, and I still do, today.#_

_to be continued…_


	15. Chapter 14

**Author's Notes:** Everyone alive after all the intense action in the latest chapters? Good. Now, some more action! Hehe. I am spoiling you people, but what can one do?

Now, then, as I don't have any clear details of the battle that took place in India (by the movie, that is), I have to make up some things myself (read: a lot). Hopefully no-one gets angry or anything. Try to enjoy! Corrections are always a nice thing, too! But, however it is, have fun!

Many thanks to Kitt of Lindon of betaing this!

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Chapter 14

_#The end can come swiftly at times. Without a warning, like a silent wind passing the night. Our campaign in India came to a sudden halt, unexpected to all. We had had battles against the tribes, before. Countless of them. But finally we had to face the full force of our enemies, deep in the jungle of India. Alexander's plan was good, as usual. But things do not always go as we would like them to. This one battle proved it to us. _

_And the losses… They almost became irreplaceable.#_

The main-forces of the army were taking their places. In ordered lines, the men on foot marched forward, with their generals ahead of them. The ones in lead shouted commands to the still, oppressing air. Spears were like a waving sea among the trees; knives, shields, and swords shone in the rays of light that pushed itself through the holes in the canopy above.

Cavalry hung back, waiting for the right moment to move forward. Alexander had already mounted Bucephalus, staring motionlessly to the forest before him. His expression was distant, and everyone tried to leave him in peace: their King needed his moment.

Hephaistion watched Alexander, marking how the men kept a certain, respecting distance from him. _Do they think he is asking the favour of Gods, and therefor do not dare to disturb him? That if this moment is harassed, the Gods will abandon us and we shall lose? Of course he is praying for Gods, but not in a manner his men think. He is not _that_ divine, after all. He is as much of a man as we are, flesh and blood. Gods listen to him like they listen to any other._ An ironic smile made its way to his features. Once he had thought Alexander divine, like everyone else. But that dream-like belief had long vanished. He merely saw a man, preparing for a battle of his life; one more of them. _Is there no end for this… March after another, rest in some nameless place, then marching again. And then a battle. The smell of blood will cling to you for days, and the groans of the wounded lull you to sleep. And then we must find the will to go on: to head out into another battle. It is a circle we have been in for years now. At times it seems that the end of the world is escaping us, taunting Alexander to come further from home to find it. How such an ill fate fell upon us– _

A shift beside Hephaistion awoke him from his spinning thoughts. He looked aside, meeting familiar features – momentarily grim with concentration. He looked away from Ptolemy to gaze back at Alexander, his mind lurching to its distracted, agonised paths. Ptolemy probably saw this, moving close enough to settle a hand upon his shoulder. The grasp was firm, somewhat dulled by the armour beneath.

"What are you thinking? Nothing pleasant, I can tell," the general asked with a low voice, his eyes trying to catch Hephaistion's. It was like a game, the other trying to avoid his eyes as he attempted to claim the blue ones. As the game drew on, Ptolemy decided to change his tactics. "Hephaistion?" he said with a different tone, which did not belong anywhere near a battle-field. This caught Hephaistion's attention, however, and proved him victory.

"I am a bit distracted, that's all," Hephaistion answered quietly, eyes daring to meet Ptolemy's. "The battle before us… They say that the enemy is great in number, and more so in strength. Archers, elephants, spears…" his voice turned as fearful as his thoughts at the moment.

Ptolemy frowned, pondering how to deal with this. "You are not afraid, are you?" He gained no answer, but the way Hephaistion's eyes gleamed told him enough. "Have faith in Alexander," Ptolemy reassured him. "He always asks us to conquer our fear. And you have done that for him before. Do not despair now: our force is great as well." They all knew it was a great enemy before them, but yet they marched on, to bring glory and victory to their homelands – whatever those were. To bring glory to Alexander.

Before Hephaistion found his voice to answer, Alexander blinked, as if waking from a sleep. He looked about him, watching the silent preparation of his men, then turned and guided Bucephalus forward. He came to a halt before Hephaistion and Ptolemy, the shared look between him and his lover drawing in length. "Hephaistion, take your side of the cavalry along the river, and advance the enemy from that side. Ptolemy, you go with him." The men standing on the ground nodded, Hephaistion's eyes never leaving Alexander's. The king nodded, pulling Bucephalus back without another word. "Men of Macedon! We ride forth, to victory and everlasting fame!" Alexander raised his sword, gaining shouts from his men, and then his part of the cavalry went forth, his eyes momentarily meeting Hephaistion's before he passed beyond sight.

"Prepare!" Hephaistion called out to the men, his voice even and strong. Horses were mounted, weapons checked one more time, flags and banners lifted to the air. Hephaistion walked to his own horse, finding Ptolemy already standing beside his. Their arms brushed together as they met between their mounts, shielded from view for a moment. "I –" Hephaistion began, his head bowed in indecision.

"We shall find victory," Ptolemy said softly, his hand unable to resist a temptation to touch the other's waist. "Hold on to your courage and faith in Alexander, and you shall overcome every obstacle on your way." He fell silent, his hand moving to touch the skin of Hephaistion's thigh. "Be careful," he whispered finally. "You are not alone, remember it: I shall watch for you, as you watch for Alexander."

Hephaistion actually smiled, his own hand moving over Ptolemy's. "Gods are with us," he uttered. "But what gives me more comfort is that you ride with me today, Ptolemy." He threw the other a smile, the earlier agitation gone from his eyes. Then he lifted himself to the back of his horse, waiting long enough for Ptolemy to do the same. "We ride to Alexander!" he shouted, raising his hand, and the cavalry moved forward, shouts of men still ringing in the air.

The sound of hooves drove over all else, faint sounds of snapping twigs and rustling leaves joining to the concert of noise the cavalry arose when moving forward. In this land, there was no cloud of dust to raise and fill the air, which Hephaistion found quite pleasant: he could actually breathe freely without a fear of choking to the sand. Yet the warm, humid air made it difficult to inhale evenly before starting to feel out of breath. Branches lashed at his exposed skin, making the sting remain long after. Yet this all was simply a foretaste of a battle that lay ahead. One they would soon engage in…

A glance to the side told Hephaistion that Ptolemy was still next to him. The other's face was determined, his eyes focused at the forest before them. What the other man was thinking, Hephaistion couldn't tell. _Maybe he is facing his fears at the moment, subduing them before we hit the enemy. Or maybe he feels no fear and merely counts all the different ways to slay those against us…_ Another stolen look gave him no answers, but he continued with his current line of thoughts. What Ptolemy thought was always a challenge for him so solve. Alexander was plain enough to read, since they had known each other from childhood, but Ptolemy… He was a question. A dare Hephaistion was not able to step aside.

On his side, Ptolemy glanced at Hephaistion, making sure that the other was not looking at him at that moment. He was well aware that he had received more than one look since they had set off, and the mere feel of the blue eyes upon him made his skin crawl. At the moment of action, all the signals between them seemed to intensify. Maybe it was because they had to be alert, their senses on the edge all the time, until the battle would be over. However it was, Ptolemy could not shake off the feel the other's gaze left in its wake. _Focus_, he snarled to himself, trying to force his thoughts elsewhere. _If you enter the battle this distracted, it means certain death._ He was not sure if he was reminding himself or the general beside him, but the outcome was sure: his mind was no more in ease.

Out of nowhere, a lonely rider came to their path, calling out and riding directly to Hephaistion. The cavalry halted immediately, recognising one of their own, curious glances directed to the swift exchange between the soldier and their commander. Ptolemy guided his horse beside Hephaistion's, his ears sharp and eyes narrowed. It was easy to tell that there has been a change in the plan, for there was a deep, worried frown on Hephaistion's face. The general nodded, drew a deep breath, and then turned to seek Ptolemy. There was a revealed flash in his eyes as he spotted the other man near him. "Alexander has commanded us to join with him immediately, on the centre. Our fronts will not hold out for long," he spoke softly but urgently.

Ptolemy nodded, worry entering his mind. _How great is this enemy in number and strength, if we are already in a severe danger of losing our infantry? Or has something gone wrong? _He pushed his thoughts away as Hephaistion called out his orders beside him, the cavalry moving into position immediately. It took another second from Hephaistion to turn his horse and urge it on, thunder filling the air as the cavalry moved forth.

Time seemed to drag by, miles drawing in length as they raced on. Their pace slackened when they had to divide to move through a dense area of trees, making Ptolemy bite his jaws together in suppressed frustration. They could already hear the battle ahead: shouts and screams and other noises they were too afraid to name. Horses pricked up their ears, snorting in alarm, but their riders pressed them onwards, anxious to get to their king.

As they broke into a more open section of the forest, Alexander's cavalry approached them from the left. "Hephaistion, to the centre!" Alexander's voice called out, the leaders meeting as their men united. For a moment Hephaistion rode side by side with his king, but soon the black horse began to draw ahead. "Come Macedonians! Ride!" Alexander shouted, drawing ahead of the cavalry, proud and strong in the eyes of his men. And the Macedonians rode, blind to all else but the man in front of them.

But the dream was soon shattered as the cavalry came within sight of the battle. Horses halted and reared, their neighs like shrieks of terror. Hephaistion's eyes grew wide, scanning the desperate fight before them. Elephants rose like towers ahead of the soldiers, arrows and spears flying through the air, occasional spray of blood staining the men next to its source. The shouts were clear now, filling his ears, single words separated here and there. Screams were cut short, or echoed in the air long after, joining to the cacophony.

Alexander shifted, anguish on his face. Hephaistion stole a glance at him, easily guessing what the other was thinking. They had to go forth and help, to join into that death-battle before them. That was what Alexander wanted to do. Hephaistion knew he lacked the strength to do so, on his own. But beside Alexander he was brave – he could do it. But there was still one obstacle to win before he could go forth and carry out his lover's will. "The horses won't go!" he called out, his own mount shaking and tossing its head. "On foot!" he commanded, knowing it would be the only way to move forward. The horses perhaps had enough sense to stay behind, but the men would push forward, beyond reason.

None of the cavalry dismounted, however, as calls came from the front of the line. Crateros was commanding his men to pull back. They watched, as if in trance, the army of Alexander abandoning their posts, terror upon their bloody faces. Alexander also saw this, and it broke his heart. He guided Bucephalus forward, his expression almost dreamy. Bucephalus snorted, tossing his head to a side, visibly nervous. "Come, Bucephalus," Alexander encouraged the horse gently, lifting his head to look at the sun gleaming down on him from a hole in the canopy. Looking down to the ground, he saw his own shadow, sitting on a great mount. Then he leaned down, cheek pressed against the horse's neck, hand smoothing the black coat. "It is only sun and shadow," he continued, voice soft. "You and I, one last time, Bucephalus…" The horse snorted, but it did not act as afraid anymore.

Alexander sat up, lifting his sword, his voice almost unearthly as he addressed his men. "Isn't it a lovely thing, to live with great courage, and die living in an everlasting fame!" he shouted, making the cavalry look back at him. Hephaistion's eyes were glued on him, something shifting in them. He knew what was coming. "Come, Macedonians!" he called out, riding across the line of the cavalry. "Why do you retreat?" he asked in turn, first retreating men on foot advancing them. "Do you not want to live forever! In the name of Zeus, attack!" With that, Alexander rode forward. It didn't seem to matter to him if he went alone or not: he would fight.

Hephaistion looked after Alexander, tears deep in his eyes. Ptolemy halted beside him, watching the king make his way, his sword lashing out on enemies. "Attack!" Alexander's voice boomed over the noise, clear and almost divine.

"Alexander!" Hephaistion shouted in return, trying to get his horse to move. But the animal merely neighed in terror, leaving its rider helpless to do anything.

Men lifted their heads all around the battle-field. The generals, a moment ago retreating, turned on their heels to fight again. Alexander rushed past them, fighting and advancing, lighting up the pride and strength in their hearts again. Soldiers rushed to the Indian enemy, the vision of their king still burning in their eyes.

Alexander's advance halted, however, as he met he Indian king. It was a majestic moment, both the horse and the elephant rearing up, facing each other on the open. In the eyes of the Macedonian army, Alexander seemed to be the greater one of the two. The moment was broken abruptly, an arrow flying through the air. It grazed Bucephalus' neck, embedding itself deeply to Alexander's chest, sending him falling to the ground.

Time froze. All movement seemed to cease. Hephaistion broke it with a harsh cry, awaking the army, "The king is down!"

"To the king!" Ptolemy echoed him, uncontrolled fear gripping him. Hephaistion cried out, such pain in his voice that it made even the horse under him move forth. Army lunged forward, driven by this new goal, and the cavalry followed Hephaistion, the animals eventually more afraid of their riders than the beasts ahead. The battle soon turned into madness, Alexander's army driven by such rage that it made them forget all reason. They just needed to get to their king, avenge him…

Hephaistion pushed his way through the enemy lines, not bothering to stay and fight. His mind was solely upon a thought to find and be beside Alexander. All else mattered none to him. Only Alexander… The impact surprised him, giant trunk of an elephant pushing him off his horse. He rolled on the ground, dazed, sword firmly in hand and trying to clear his head. An instinct warned him beforehand and he lashed out at his enemy, making the other man fall. He scrambled back to his feet, feeling unstable. _Alexander. Think of him–_ The train of thought dissolved into a rush of pain as something hit his leg. He actually screamed, his mind burning with sudden agony. He wasn't sure if he heard a bone break, his entire left leg going numb. Falling to the ground, he stroke out and hit the enemy with all his remaining strength.

Hissing in pain, Hephaistion ripped off the axe still loosely embedded to his upper thigh. He could smell blood, not sure if it was his own. Pain was all he could feel, throbbing in the synch of his heart, each beat making his shudder. He couldn't breath, either, every motion agonising. Shifting on the ground, trying to get up or even move, Hephaistion grit his jaws together to keep another scream inside. Tears burned his eyes, unwanted but there. "Gods…" he gasped, his voice alien to him. He had no strength, no power left, and with a shuddery breath he lowered himself to the ground, tangled hair sticking to his sweaty face.

Increasing shouts woke Hephaistion from his pain filled doze, and he lifted his face, pushing back his hair with shaking hand. He saw men gather into a line, battle now further away. But his eyes, unfocused but determined, glued at a shield that was carried through the lines. Alexander lay there, unmoving, only his eyes revealing that he was actually alive. Hephaistion let out a pitiful whimper, trying to drag himself closer, his entire body shivering with pain he could no longer feel. His eyes lost their focus, his vision engulfed by glistening tears. _Maybe he is dead. I can't see… Maybe it is just my mind, playing me… Alexander! I must go to him. Get back to his side. I have to be there…_ He collapsed back to the blood-soaked leaves, sobs wracking his body. He longed to go and follow the shield, to touch him like the others did. But he could no longer feel his fingers, buried to the soil beneath him…

It was some time after, when Ptolemy had made sure that Alexander would be taken care of, that he returned to the battlefield, his heart wrenching at the sight before him. There was no words in his mind to describe the battle. He would make those later. At the moment, his concern lay elsewhere: he had not seen Hephaistion since the cavalry had moved forward. He had expected the other man to be on Alexander's side, or to appear there fast after Alexander was taken to safety. But as that had not happened, fear had pushed him back here. He refused to even consider a possibility that Hephaistion was dead. He was merely… occupied.

Ptolemy did not call out the other's name, forcing himself to stay calm. His horse pulled and snorted behind him, but he held tight on the reins, dragging the unwilling animal behind him. After long minutes passed, and he still had not found the other general, the need to call out for him was almost unbearable. _Where are you, Hephaistion? Would you even answer, if I called out? Gods, where are you…_ He spotted Hephaistion's horse some time after, temptation to call out almost overwhelming. The animal stood shivering, alone, and its ears flattened. There was some blood upon it, but not enough to kill the last remnants of hope in Ptolemy's heart. He did not stop to soothe the horse, knowing it would be only a waste of time. Yet it gave him a possible direction to search for the horse's rider.

Dead lay everywhere, mutilated and bloodied bodies, their smell making Ptolemy sick. He forced himself to go on, telling himself that Hephaistion was near, that soon they could both leave this horrid place behind for good… He also promised to himself that he would make Hephaistion pay for his long, frustrating search. Oh yes, what a joy it would be, to make the other man repay all his trouble. The image was broken, however, and all his thoughts of repayment forgotten, as his eyes fell upon a familiar body. Reins fell from his hands and he ran forward, kneeling to the soaked ground with a jarring impact.

Ptolemy's fingers were trembling as he gently moved the dark, bloodstained hair aside, then pressed his hand to the other's neck to feel for pulse. It was there, erratic but strong. "Hephaistion?" he whispered, his hand gently shaking the other by the shoulder. The smell of blood was fresh here, making him cringe, but instead of drawing away he leaned closer and tried to find the source of blood. His hands froze on the wounded leg, trembling increasing. The injury was hideous, blood and torn flesh barely hiding the bone beneath. He touched it gingerly, warm blood staining his fingers. Hephaistion's body jolted at the contact, a pained moan escaping from him.

Ptolemy looked up, trying to see someone who could help him. A doctor, another warrior… Anyone who could do _something_ to help him to aid his wounded companion. But it seemed that no-one was near enough, a few men walking on the far side of the field, probably checking for any living enemies. A tight pull on the edge of his chiton drew his gaze back down, his eyes growing wide as he met two hazy blue eyes.

"Ptolemy…" Hephaistion whispered, his grip almost desperate. His breathe was painfully laboured, the pain slowly returning to him. "Ptolemy," he repeated, his eyes turning shiny with new tears.

"Quiet," Ptolemy hushed, leaning closer. "Lie still. I will take care of you." He was not sure _how_, but he would. Even if he had to do all by himself, and carry Hephaistion back to the camp.

"Alexander," Hephaistion moaned, trying to get up, gazing at the direction where the men had carried his lover. There was despair in his voice, tears falling freely now.

"Alexander shall be fine. He is already taken care of," Ptolemy tried to calm the man before him, grasping him firmly. If Hephaistion would continue this for long, he might do some irreparable harm to himself. "He will live," he continued, knowing what Hephaistion needed to hear. "Men like him do not fall so easily. He will live, and then continue on, like always. Gods love him too much to allow his glory to diminish."

Hephaistion halted for a moment, his body shaking. Then he turned back to Ptolemy, burying his face against the other's chest. Ptolemy pulled him close, holding him for a moment until the broken sobs ended. Slowly he shifted the other so that he could undo a belt around his waist, then shifted the limp body again. "This is going to hurt," Ptolemy informed the other quietly. Hephaistion merely nodded, his hands tightening their hold on Ptolemy's front, his eyes closed and face pressed against Ptolemy's body.

Gently as possible, Ptolemy slid the belt around the wounded leg, above the injury. Then he tightened it, hoping it would cut off the blood-loss somewhat. Hephaistion hissed in pain, his body going tense, then breaking out to shivers. Ptolemy finished his task quickly, his arms visibly welcomed as he held the trembling body close to his. After a moment the pained gasps stilled, Hephaistion falling back to unconsciousness.

_#I was afraid then, that I had lost him. Possibly lost them both. Because despite my bold, reassuring words, I was not sure if Alexander would make it. I knew him to be strong, but sometimes Hades took the better of even the strongest ones… As I sat there in a soil, his blood all over me, his each, unsteady breathe giving me another small spark of hope, I wondered how we had got here. Middle of a jungle, thousands of miles from home, I held in my arms a man who by right should have been beside Alexander at that moment. So many years were behind us: years of joy, innocence, love, endless travel – and war. Thousands of people we had conquered, hundreds of cities now hailed us and called Alexander king – some years before never heard his name._

_But that day, as I finally carried Hephaistion to the camp, I understood how little that all meant to me, in the end. Had I lost that all, the only thing I would have missed was the thing I miss most even now – Hephaistion. His loss would have been unbearable, not only for me but for the whole army – to the world Alexander had created. It felt strange, but I accepted it, knowing that denying it would mean denying a truth. And such a thing never sat well with me._

_We did not lose Hephaistion that night – not in India. There is a right time for everything, I learned. And when his death finally took place, it was such a blow to all Macedonian world. The problem was, eventually, that some realised that only after…#_

_to be continued…_


	16. Chapter 15

**Author's Note: **Many thanks to Kitt of Lindon of betaing this!

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Chapter 15

_#I have had many strange conversations during my life. More than a normal person, I reckon. Yet my position as a memoirist led me into a company of many interesting people, most of them having a lot to say. Though the deepest of those discussions rarely made their way to paper. Each and every has survived in my head to this day, sparsely repeated to any._

_It was my personal decision not to speak of certain things, or pass them to the generations to come. Some things should never be repeated – or by my opinion, not said in the first place. Of which my encounters with Cassander are a good example, especially the one that took place soon after the disastrous battle in India… #_

His hand moved to brush off a layer of sweat with a soft cloth, the movement almost subconscious. He wasn't sure how many times he had done so during the current hour – or the last few minutes – but he had naught else to do. Sitting still was an option, but every time he tried to do so, he again found his hands on Hephaistion's unmoving body, adjusting a blanket or drawing back the dark hair. With a deep sigh, Ptolemy leaned backwards, arms around his knees, eyes constantly upon the slumbering man. It felt like days since he had carried Hephaistion to the camp, barking out to a doctor to see for him. After the wound was tended the doctor left them, telling Ptolemy to make sure that there would be someone with Hephaistion if he should leave.

Not that Ptolemy was going anywhere.

With another sigh, Ptolemy reached out again, tenderly caressing the clammy skin of his friend. Lover, he might have called him, but decided to spare himself. Things were difficult enough without his deepening relationship with Hephaistion. Or maybe their relationship _was_ the cause of all their troubles. _Secrets kept between us, doubt of others, trying to guide Alexander to the right path without waking his interest… A nice knot we have here, my dearest Hephaistion. How are we ever going to survive this..?_

The flap of the tent opened, a slender figure slipping in without a sound. Ptolemy looked back in alarm, trying to keep his face set as he saw Cassander. The other general halted on his shoulder and knelt to the floor. Brown eyes ran over Hephaistion's form, cold and calculating. "Has he woken?" he asked, the sound barely above a whisper.

"Not yet," Ptolemy replied, cautious. Something was going on.

Cassander nodded, taking another look at Hephaistion. "Alexander hasn't woken either, I heard. It is such a bad wound," his voice adopted a different tone, visibly addressing Hephaistion again. "It could easily kill, even a strong man. In this heat, there is a great risk of infection, and so many dead and wounded all around…" He turned to look at Ptolemy, his gaze pure, cold steel. "Alexander would never know. He would easily believe that Hephaistion died in battle, or in the aftermath. So many have died already, it would be highly believable." He halted, drawing a knife free from his side. "This is your chance, Ptolemy. To prove Friends that you are still one of _us_. On _our_ side. Kill him. It is painless to him, and easy for Alexander to overcome. And you shall be trusted again by –"

Ptolemy's body, loaded with unspent frustration, was swift to move. He knocked Cassander to the ground, relishing in a feel of his fist connecting with the other's face. He wrestled the knife away from the other general's hand easily, then struck it down hard. There was true fear in Cassander's eyes as the dark-haired man stared up at him, the knife only half an inch from cutting his right ear off. Blood slowly seeped from a cut on the ridge of his nose, leaving a red trail down the side of his face. "Such are our injuries from this battle…" Ptolemy muttered, his voice dark. He bet his eyes were like a livid storm, but that was not a problem of his at the moment. "Make sure this was the last time you propose me with anything like that, _Cassander_," he hissed the other's name, much in the same manner as Alexander had, long years back on the day he had married Roxane. "Now get out of my sight, and _don't_ come back. I even see you looking at him the wrong way, and you'll feel this knife in your non-existent heart! Now leave!"

Ptolemy pushed back, watching closely as Cassander scrambled to his feet. The other man gave him one more look, wiping blood from his face. Then he turned and left, without a word. Which was probably the best, because Ptolemy was in a mood for a kill. _To kill a certain person would give me strange amount of satisfaction, at the moment_, he thought, eyes still on the flap. When he was sure Cassander was not going to return, he turned back to Hephaistion. The other man was completely oblivious to the world around him, his brow slightly furrowed. _Maybe he is in pain, or senses the distraction around him. However it is, I wish him to wake soon. To shake of _most_ of the snakes, at least. It will take more daring from them to approach him _after_ he shows signs of healing._

Putting the knife away, Ptolemy resumed his silent watch, hours ticking past. His thoughts remained on his short discussion with Cassander, trying to sort it out. Was Cassander alone behind this? Or were the rest of the generals also involved? If so, it would be much more difficult to keep their suspicion down. Of course the others had been aware of his actions before, but if they now were agreed upon getting Hephaistion killed… He groaned, pressing his forehead against his knees. He had given himself in. The others maybe didn't know – wouldn't even dare to dream – of his true reasons of protecting Hephaistion, but they knew he was not going to sacrifice the other man to his own profit.

"Has something happened?"

Ptolemy glanced up, for a moment wondering if he had imagined the voice. He gazed at Hephaistion's face, noticing that the frown was deeper than before.

"You seem so distressed." It was indeed Hephaistion who spoke. The blue eyes opened slightly – enough to let him see his companion – then closed again. He breathed in slowly, then opened his eyes fully, turning his head to see Ptolemy properly. "What is wrong?" he asked again.

"Nothing," Ptolemy sighed, shaking his head. "Just rest." Seeing the other's agitated expression he leaned closer, caressing the sweaty forehead. "Alexander is fine: it is nothing about him. Cassander merely… paid me a visit," he finally confessed, wishing to put the other's mind at ease. "Sleep. You need it. We shall talk later."

"Later…" Hephaistion whispered, half asleep already. He smiled as he felt Ptolemy's lips upon his, the tender touch making him feel safe. His mind shut down before he could feel the pain return, the warm feel of Ptolemy's touch pushing him back to sleep.

_#Those were the longest days of my life. All I was able to do was to sit beside him, and have a solid argument with my own thoughts. A servant brought me food and water, and I left the tent only to relieve myself. Every time I kept a close eye on the shelter, not wishing to risk the man inside. Hephaistion woke up only now and then, most of times in throws of a fever. We didn't actually speak, but those short moments of wakefulness were enough to give me strength to go on._

_I barely slept during my watch, waking at every small sound from the outside world. I knew I had to be careful, even if Cassander would not dare to approach me again: he could easily send others to finish his task._

_It was only several days after the end of the battle that I received another companion, leaving out the servant. That discussion is forever burned in my mind, as well as the result of it.#_

Ptolemy was harshly snapped out of his thoughts as someone entered the tent. His first reaction was to draw his weapon, but after he saw who entered, his entire mind froze. A man stood on the door of the small space, the flap sliding shut behind him. His brown eyes were focused on Hephaistion's sleeping form, several emotions flashing through them. What remained was possibly sorrow or regret, but pain was constantly plain upon his features – possibly both physical and that of mind.

Ptolemy got up to his feet, trying in vain to hide his surprise. "Alexander…" he stammered, attempting to say something fit for the moment, but ended up in unsure silence.

Alexander took an unsteady step forward, his attention solely upon Hephaistion. Ptolemy held out his hand for the other to lean on, the king taking it without a further reaction. They stood in silence for a good while, Ptolemy's nervous eyes darting from the king to his lover and back.

"How is he?" Alexander asked finally, his voice as broken as the man himself.

"He will be fine. The fever is going down, and the wound shows no infection. I have stayed with him all the time –" Ptolemy halted, biting his lip. He did not wish to give Alexander the wrong impression.

The king nodded, his expression distant. "So many are dead. As they carried me away from the battle-field, I saw him, laying there… He was not dead, I remember, but I couldn't be sure…" He halted, swallowing thickly. "He could have died," he croaked, tears appearing to his glimmering eyes. "He could be gone, right now… Beyond my reach…"

"He is not," Ptolemy put in, stepping a little closer to the weeping man. "He lives for _you_, Alexander. He was equally worried of you, but you both shall live. If you can wait for a while, I shall wake him –"

"No!" Alexander said harshly, voice just above a whisper. "Let him sleep. Let him dream. For my dream is broken."

Ptolemy blinked, suddenly more worried than before. "What do you mean?"

Alexander merely shook his head, then turned to gaze at his friend. "Thank you, for being with him. If you would, Ptolemy, stay with him still. Do not leave him alone. I will… see him soon. But I must think first."

Ptolemy nodded, confused. Yet he was now allowed to stay with Hephaistion – by the order of the king – and none would have a say against it. "I shall stay with him," he promised. "And I shall tell him you visited. He will be glad."

"Do not tell him," Alexander decided instead, his voice firm. "Not yet. He will know, when the time comes. They all will, but not like him…" With that, Alexander turned and left, his walk less graceful than before. The divinity in him was broken.

Ptolemy looked after him, frowning, then gazed back at the sleeping man. _What shall we know? What did he speak of?_ There was no one to answer him – yet.

_to be continued…_

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**Author's Note: **A cliffie? #horrified look# Nooo…. Read on, people! It is not such a horrible thing! #wink# And review! If you got puzzled, good, because that was the point. Alexander really should get his head checked at times, lol. Speaking like that, and not like a civilised person… Evil. Completely, purely, evil! Mwahaha!


	17. Chapter 16

**Author's Note: **Many thanks to Kitt of Lindon of betaing this!

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Chapter 16

_#Fortune favours the bold, but it did not favour Alexander endlessly. Maybe it was a moment of confusion for all of us, a breakdown of our carefully built dream-castles. We had to finally open our eyes and _see_ the world beyond. We were no Gods. We were not invincible. Many had realised that before, but to _say _something or actually _know_ it were different things. And the realisation hit hard. But the hardest it landed upon Alexander. Our king of young age had always been ignorant of the world, following his dream – his devotion – blindly. We all, like him, had believed that the Gods had meant this all to happen, even if we at times began to doubt. But every time Alexander had convinced us to go on. And again we saw him as our divine leader that no power on earth could defeat._

_It is ironic that it was Alexander's own dream that finally betrayed him. Or so it seemed to me. The others did not bother to ponder this, instead taking his every word as a salvation, their attention already turned elsewhere. But I looked and thought about it, as was my wont. Did his dream finally lack in strength, his own willpower pushing it aside? Did he toss his dream aside, to live free for a moment? Or was he ever free in the first place…_

_I think I know _why_ the change came. I am not sure, not even today, but I remember the look when he saw Hephaistion sleeping in out small tent, healing from his wounds. Maybe that opened his eyes. Perhaps that was the moment which sealed our fates.#_

Men had gathered around the massive tent of the king, moving anxiously on their places. Few knew what was to come, but it was said that Alexander would speak to them today. It was a rumour that had grown into a common knowledge with full speed, and now all, Macedonian and Asian alike, waited. There were occasional shouts from the men, hoping to encourage their king forth, but mostly it was hushed talk that took place among the crowd.

Ptolemy stood just under the awning of the tent, sheltered from the bright sun. It was hot, but the sensation had slowly been dulled during the long months' travel through Asia and India. A man could get used to anything, he had decided: give one time, and he will adapt. Cold, hot, dry, or wet: he had seen people living comfortably in all these conditions. His eyes gazed at the sea of men before him, but he did not actually see them. His mind rested upon something else, looking back through the time while trying to conclude what Alexander was up to. Their discussion a few days ago had left him confused, and the fact he had not been able to consult Hephaistion about this left him ever more in shadows of uncertainty.

Glancing to his side, Ptolemy tried to keep his expression passive. Hephaistion was present, of course, waiting for the king's announcement. He looked utterly lost, however, a look Ptolemy had not often seen on the other's features. As much as he tried to hide it, Hephaistion had no idea what was going on in the world around him at the moment. _Soon_, Ptolemy promised to himself, crossing his arms over his chest. _Alexander said so. This is the moment, I know. I just wonder what kind of news he will gift us with._ Another look around revealed to the general that his fellow commanders were as much in loss as he was. Which in other words meant that they _all_ would be forced to wait and see it out. Knowing Alexander, it could be anything. Yet Ptolemy did not think so, which taunted him even more in return. There had been _something_ in the king's actions and words that spoke of something… changed. Alexander had acted very unlike himself. _Which means he can say to us whatever I can imagine_, Ptolemy decided, trying not to groan in frustration. _If he is acting unlike himself, we cannot presume anything of the outcome of this. Maybe Hephaistion knew… That must be it, for otherwise Alexander would have allowed me to tell of his visit. Or then again…_

He must have made a sound, eventually, because when Ptolemy glanced at Hephaistion, the wide blue eyes were already staring at him. The steady, questioning gaze was hard to avoid. It seemed to read him right to the core, and with a worried frown, Ptolemy forced himself to look away. It did not make him feel any easier when practically _sensing_ Hephaistion' eyes upon him, even after he broke the contact. It was not for the first time since Alexander's announcement that he hoped the king would come out and speak.

Alexander appeared soon enough, for Ptolemy's eternal gratitude. The king walked slowly to the awning, leaning to a majestic stick on his side, limping visibly. It was a one more proof that the king of Macedonia and Asia shared the battles with his men. He halted on the edge, waiting the violent sheers to end. Men were waving and shouting, calling out Alexander's name and sending their thanks to the Gods. The king lived, but in his eyes something was dead.

Ptolemy frowned, shifting a little closer. He dared not to approach, but there was something he needed to see. Could it be…

"Men of Macedon…" Alexander called out with a strong but shaking voice. His face was pale and his entire appearance looked drained, as if after a long struggle with himself. "We are going home," he finally ended, swallowing.

All was silent for a moment. Not a breathe of wind dared to shake the banners of the king. Men stared at the divine man in front of them, speechless. Had they heard right? they seemed to wonder. What had just been said? Then, like a strike of lightning, a roar went up, hands raising to the air, voices joining them. Joy was evident. A dream come true. Men hugged each other, not caring who stood beside them.

Alone in sadness, Alexander watched his army celebrate, hearing them praise his name like they praised their many Gods. "We are going home," he whispered to himself.

Hephaistion stared at his king, shock and indecision upon his face. Where had this come from? Why did Alexander give in now… He pushed up on his elbow, forcing the pain behind. _Why?_ he wanted to shout. This was not Alexander. Not _his_ Alexander… Then his eyes met Ptolemy's, and the realisation hit him. Maybe Ptolemy hadn't done anything, but he hadn't either stopped this from happening.

While Alexander was set upon Bucephalus and guided through the mass of warriors, Ptolemy kept Hephaistion's eyes prisoner. He was as shocked as anyone else, but he couldn't say he hadn't seen this coming. The decision had been made, that night in his tent while Hephaistion slept. He had seen it, and yet only now understood. As the men separated, the other generals moving out to give their orders of organising departure, Ptolemy slowly advanced Hephaistion. It did not make the other man any less threatening if he lay on the ground, still in pain and unable to stand on his own.

"You did this," Hephaistion hissed, his voice cold. There was no accusation in it, however, and that both shook and gave hope to Ptolemy.

"He made the decision himself," Ptolemy corrected, his voice equally low. "If anyone helped him with it, it was you, Hephaistion."

_#The look on Hephaistion's face was one of those that lasted in my memories, clear and unwavering. Shock, self-hatred, doubt… Anger and helplessness to do anything about it. Alexander's dream was broken – if only momentarily, but broken nonetheless – and it would not be restored in a short time. We both knew that._

_What we did not know, back then, was how this all would effect in Alexander's state as a king. Would the generals set back, or move forth. Either way, we had to play along. To the bitter end.#_

_to be continued…_


	18. Chapter 17

**Author's Notes:** Here we are: the second chapter to the last. It has been a long way to get this far, but yet there is still the final chapter! It will be a challenge, to me. We shall see how I come up with it, and all that angst to come.

This chapter's events (considering the way back to Asia), I wish to point out, are more from the history than the movie itself. The movie did not give us much information considering Alexander's journey back home, so I think no one will try to kill me because of this! And there isn't horribly much details in the chapter about that journey, anyway. Just the fact that Alexander's army divided into three groups on his way home: Craterus went through north, Alexander along the coast, and Nearchus with the fleet. Not a major thing for the story, but just little something to make it look realistic!

Now then, to the chapter! This is the beginning of an end, a prelude for the final chapter. Enjoy, people!

Many thanks to Kitt of Lindon of betaing this!

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Chapter 17

_#Shortest route on map may turn out to be quite different in the nature. Maybe Alexander knew this when he set out from India with his army. Maybe that was a final planned path of conquers on his journey – until he would start another campaign. By his order, Crateros took a part of the army through north, strengthening the hold on the already conquered lands. Nearchus took his part on fleet, making his way along the Gulf of Oman and the Persian Gulf, near the shores. Alexander followed the coast on land, leaving supplies to Nearchus when possible, knowing there was little in this dry land to support men, not to speak of those who only landed to refill their stocks._

_I went with Alexander, following him through the burning desert – which gave me a new definition for "hot". Those long months on our way home, delayed at times by subduing another city or tribe under our command, were an awkward time for me. None knew what would become of us when we returned to Babylon. Some dared to hope that we would go all the way back to Macedonia, but I saw that unlikely: as Alexander had said before, Babylon was his new home. Who knows for what reasons.#_

There seemed to be no end for the dry, lifeless land. Sand whisked through the air with the wind, stuck mercilessly into all it could find: cloth, skin, food... Ptolemy frowned, trying in vain to pull the hood of his cloak to cover his face, wiping away the sand that had already gathered on his skin like another layer. At this point, he would have gladly welcomed the endless rain of India. But as it was, he had to stand and suffer.

Muttering beneath his breathe, Ptolemy turned his back to the wind. How people lived in this land, he could not imagine. But there were cities and villages, and people in them. Few of them defiant, others laying down their arms as Alexander's army encountered them. How far on the desert the people lived, he did not know, however. _Maybe they all live near to the coast. That is reasonable enough._

"This makes me miss Macedonia even more."

Ptolemy lifted his gaze from the sand gathering on his feet, only then noticing Hephaistion beside him. The other man looked at the vast brown land before them, his eyes narrowed against the wind. If there were tears, they could be easily blamed to be a fault of the sand. "We all miss Macedonia," Ptolemy began, then laughed harshly at the absurdity of the thought. "_Those_ of us who have seen it," he corrected: there weren't many of those with them anymore.

Hephaistion turned to look at the other man, his own hood down around his neck, leaving him exposed to the cruel wind. "We should speak…"

They hadn't done much of that since their sudden turn home. Ptolemy hadn't found the courage to face the other man in private, and Hephaistion hadn't shown any sign of willingness to do so. Now, however, there was an opening and Ptolemy used it to dive in. He nodded, glancing around. "Now?"

"Alexander is making preparations for the fleet. We are not going to move on until tomorrow," Hephaistion stated slowly, as if detailing some discussion he had had with Alexander before. "We shall rest the night here. Or rather in the city nearby," he indicated with a slight movement of his head to a nearby fortress on shore, surrounded by thick stone-walls. Not that those walls had kept Alexander outside for long. "Men shall camp outside, but I am hopeful to sleep in an actual bed tonight." It was a normal arrangement that the soldiers slept in a camp and the higher officers in a city, if such an possibility showed itself. Sometimes Alexander made difference to the code, and made them all camp outside. It didn't seem to be happening today, according to Hephaistion.

Ptolemy nodded again, noting that the wind was calming down some. The sun was hanging low, marking the swift set of a day. "How much time do we have?" He did not dare to ask if Hephaistion would stay with Alexander tonight. Firstly, it was none of his business, and secondly, he had nothing to say to it even if it would happen: Alexander was the king, and he had the right for his lovers. Ptolemy was merely stealing time. _How come I came to look at the situation from this point, in the first place? When did things start to change between us?_

"We move into the city within an hour," Hephaistion answered, a small smile tugging his lips. "And yes, Alexander requested for my presence tonight. You were going to ask it, weren't you?" he teased, seeing Ptolemy's troubled look.

"No, in fact, I wasn't," Ptolemy confessed. "I know better than to ask."

Hephaistion was silent for a long while, a small frown appearing to his face. He tilted his head to the side, as if thinking hard on something. "When did we become this casual with each other?" he finally uttered, the smile apparent only in his eyes.

Ptolemy snorted, shaking his head. "India changed us."

"Alexander's choice did. It surprised us."

"You still believe I made him turn back home."

"Maybe," Hephaistion sighed. "It seems so absurd he would make such a decision himself. But then again… I have spoken with him. He is so tired, of all this. He needs to gather his strength as much as the men do. Then he will set out again. South, he said. To Arabia."

Ptolemy did not comment to that. He had known Alexander's dream would not stay idle for long. There was still many lands to conquer. All they needed was time. "So, what is your sentence?"

Hephaistion gave him a funny look. "Should I condemn you of not making him continue? For allowing him to finally make his _own_ decision, and turn back?"

"Was it his decision?"

Now it was Hephaistion's turn to be silent. After a drawn-out look between them, he finally made his move. "He never said it to me with words, but I know I did _something_ to alter his mind." He gave Ptolemy a half-heartedly accusing look. "He spoke out your name, but you never told me if he… If you spoke. When I was not listening. You never told me of that."

"He told me not to," Ptolemy defended himself, knowing it was no excuse. "He came to see you, a few days after the last battle in India. You were asleep, in fever, and he told me to not wake you. So I didn't. He also told me to remain silent of his visit – and I did. For the better of worse, I do not know."

"You said nothing else to him?"

"Would I lie to you in a matter like this, Hephaistion?"

Hephaistion broke the eye-contact they had held for several minutes now. "We all lie. For those we love, mostly. To those we love, even. But most of all, we lie to ourselves." He bowed his head, sniffing softly. "What did I do wrong?"

Ptolemy took a step closer, hoping no-one would catch them now. He was beyond caring, but the result could be painful. "Maybe it is time to go home, Hephaistion," Ptolemy began, his fingers careful as they caressed the dark hair falling on his companion's face. "Alexander just needed to understand that. The end of the world will remain where it is, waiting for him. There are other things, however, that do not wait," he said sternly, forcing the other to meet his gaze. His thumbs wiped away the mingled mass of tears and sand on Hephaistion's cheeks. "He realised that he could have lost you. He was so numb, the last few years. But the sight of you woke him up. He remembered what it was like to _live_."

"But –"

"No 'buts'. There has been enough of them. We are going home, and we shall rest. Then we go ahead again, to the end of the world and beyond it." Drawing a deep breath, Ptolemy pressed their foreheads together, his voice low. "He needs us still, Hephaistion. To watch his back. The situation has probably settled down for a moment, but it will be inflamed again. At the latest when he will speak forth his will to go to Arabia," he laughed. "But we shall be ready, then."

Hephaistion nodded, careful not to brake the contact of their bodies. His hands came up, fingers curling around Ptolemy's wrists, the gentle pressure both reassuring and forgiving. "What gives you the strength to go on?" he mused, his eyes trying to search the answer in the other's gaze. "You make no profit of this. You risk your life, only to give him another day… And yet it may all end tonight."

Ptolemy did not answer. He was not sure himself, anymore. His resolve was shifting. Instead of answering, he moved his fingers to the dark stresses, sealing their lips together. It was an endless moment, not a hurried, stolen flash in the dark. And it was not nearly enough. But here in the open Ptolemy did not dare to risk them more than he already was, and after another second he let go of Hephaistion. "We should go back."

There was no smile, merely regret in Hephaistion's eyes. 'I am sorry' they seemed to say, but Ptolemy did not venture further that road. It was not his to walk, even if he was dreading it every moment he spent alone with Hephaistion.

_#The rest of the journey back to Asia was nothing out of ordinary. More sand and heat, unbearable wind blowing on us from the endless desert or from the sea, and few little scuffles with the natives that could barely be called as battles. Yet all that discomfort did not feel nearly as overwhelming when I again started to spend my time beside Hephaistion. _

_It was like a drug I could not get enough of. My body yearned for him, and every time I tried to deny myself I always ended up to stand behind his door. He welcomed me with an expression of understanding, yet there was a light of amusement in his eyes every time. Though it did not remain so for long after I trapped him beneath my body and gave in for the desire we both felt. I had my ways of wiping that wry smile from his face, sometimes for an entire week._

_But in Babylon, when we finally reached lands known to us, the inevitable happened. And from that began a circle that kept spinning to the very end.#_

They had stayed in Babylon for a longer time than in the other capitals of Asia. Hephaistion did not try and pretend that he did not know why. It was commonly known that Alexander was fond of this place. _And now he has found something else to be fond of_, he thought with a painful irony. After all these years, Alexander had taken another wife. Two, actually. Either he was desperate to get a heir, in love, or just trying to confuse all and everything around him. If it was the final option, he was being successful. The world was shocked. Hephaistion was merely… "Broken," he breathed out to the still air. The word had a power enough to make his eyes glaze over with unshed tears.

"Broken" was not a correct word, of course. Hephaistion, of all people, had seen it coming. _Known_ it was only a matter of time. He had pushed Alexander to it several times during the years of their long journey. Alexander needed a heir to strengthen his position as a king. Now the chances for that were better than ever, which in turn awoke a new possible threat from the side of the king's opponents. If Alexander managed to continue his line, it would take his commanders further from power when a time for a new king would come.

A silent thud from the other side of his rooms told Hephaistion that someone had entered. The possibilities were lined in few, as there had been no knock before entering. He did not turn to look, instead waiting the other to reveal itself. A warm hand that pressed against his bare shoulder told him exactly who invaded his space. A mere touch divided this one from Alexander, for there was warmth in it. Alexander hadn't paid attention to him for months now, too single-minded with his plans and marriage.

Ptolemy, however, found this as a possibility not to waste.

The hand was joined by another, caressing Hephaistion's neck and shoulders, moving his hair aside gently. Lips followed, searching new areas to conquer as the callused fingers moved to undo the light garment around Hephaistion's body. The cloth slid down unhindered. Hephaistion smiled, shifting his face to the side, away from his lover. His own hands caught Ptolemy's wandering ones, drawing them around his body so the other could hold him.

Ptolemy halted for a moment, merely pressing their bodies together. He nudged the other's head with his own, smelling a clean scent of skin, dark hair tickling his nose when he inhaled again. "You should not worry so much," he murmured.

"Was it not you who told me that we must to be on our guard at all times?"

Ptolemy did not answer in words, instead spinning Hephaistion around in his arms and pressing the other's body against a pillar lining the other side of the wide doors that opened to a balcony outside. They were both breathing swiftly now, eyes locked together. "Keeping a low profile does not necessary mean that taking some liberties in private would be forbidden," he spoke against the other's lips. Hephaistion groaned under his weight, his squirming movements more for a show than a real need to get away. Ptolemy's hands strayed from soft heated flesh to the solid cold stone behind, marvelling if this was the contrast Hephaistion felt between him and Alexander.

Hephaistion kissed him before Ptolemy was able to voice his question, nothing gentle in the way the other's lips crushed to his, fingers burying into his hair. It took a few minutes before Ptolemy was able to draw himself away, Hephaistion's attack continuing as relentless as from the start. "Stop for a moment," Ptolemy said harshly, his right hand curled around the other's neck to hold him back. Hephaistion swallowed with some visible difficulty, eyeing Ptolemy with keen interest. The noise from the city below was distant in their ears, the thrumming of hearts and the rush of blood much more intense. Ptolemy moved his thumb up and down the length of Hephaistion's neck, smiling softly to himself. "What is this devil that has possessed you today?"

"Loneliness?" Hephaistion suggested, trying to move forward but leaned back as he found Ptolemy's hold unyielding.

Ptolemy snorted. "Truly, Hephaistion. What is the matter with you?"

This time Hephaistion did not guess. He knew. Turning his head to the side, he looked over the city spreading before them in all its glory, high towers shining in the rays of the sun. It was like a dream, so far, but yet so near you could almost touch it. Smell it. "Do you remember… the first time we kissed?"

"I do," Ptolemy answered with all honesty he had. _And Gods only know I shall never forget._

"Was it a mistake?"

"I can hardly tell that. Mistake or no, we are both guilty. Or blessed."

Hephaistion laughed sharply, the sound full of pain. "Blessed indeed. _Blessed_ with lies and constant danger to live in," he spat. "Do you not regret, Ptolemy?" he turned to look back at the man before him. "Do you not regret, even once, that you took the lover of your _friend_ to your bed?"

There was something in Hephaistion's tone that alarmed Ptolemy. He had thought about this, naturally. Kings had many lovers, but his friend, Alexander, only one. Hephaistion knew, better than any, that Alexander did not share his heart easily. It seemed so to many, that Alexander loved all his people and army. _But there are many ways to love. And the love in itself belongs to Hephaistion alone._ "What should I answer?" he finally stated. "That I regret, but would change nothing? Would it please you?" Hephaistion's eyes refused to meet his. "I tell you: it would add your pain further. It would give you a permission to cry, if I did so. But I do not have to say it. You have the answer in your heart."

There was a barely audible sniff from the dark-haired man. Ptolemy tasted his tears as he sought Hephaistion's mouth to kiss him again. There was no force behind it, this time. Yet the slowness of it made Ptolemy's skin heat up and burn for the other's closeness. His hands slid down the naked body before him, tracing the familiar curves with adoration. Hephaistion's breath hitched against his lips, his fingers fisting in Ptolemy's own robe. One hand made its way to his hair, giving them both a moment to breathe free air as it tugged back gently.

Pressing their foreheads together, Ptolemy guided Hephaistion away from the pillar. As much as he would have enjoyed to feel the sun upon his skin, he knew some things had better to take care indoors. His hands on the strong backside, it was easy enough to gauge Hephaistion to his bed.

"Ptolemy…"

"Hush," Ptolemy ordered, straddling his lover's body as he had the other laying on the mattress. "Words are… overvalued," he smiled, Hephaistion's hands opening his robe before he was even finished. Fingers played over his chest, searching every scar and place worth attention. As much as Ptolemy would have liked to enjoy this further, he knew their time was limited. There would be a feast later, and they would be missed long before it even started. Gently, he pushed Hephaistion's hands lower, his own making their way down the long, naked thighs, drawing them further apart.

Ptolemy was just leaning in to kiss Hephaistion again as the other's body tensed beneath his. A fraction later he realised there was a sound from the door. _"Great king."_ A greeting, made by a servant, left no room for guessing.

They both sprang up from the bed, Hephaistion pushing Ptolemy to the other side of the room. "Stay quiet," the blue-eyed man hissed, drawing aside a heavy garment on the wall, revealing a small recess behind. There was no time for further words nor for a search of a better place, because the door of the room was opened at that second.

Through the heavy fabric, Ptolemy was just able to make out Hephaistion's form. The other man stiffened, Alexander stepping inside. There was a moment of silence, but for his credit, Hephaistion did not even try to cower away or hide himself. Alexander stared at him for a moment, his eyebrows raised in surprise.

"It is already past mid-day, Hephaistion! Have you no sense of time?" Alexander finally asked, walking closer.

Without a verbal answer, Hephaistion walked to the balcony doors, reaching for his deserted robe. He drew it on quickly and then faced the king. "Can I help you?" 'At this hour', he might have added, if he had the nerve. As it was, he did not continue his line.

Alexander smiled, walking to the balcony. "I used to spend a lot of time in your rooms," he said quietly, looking out at the city. "Or you in mine."

"I think that is why they are so alike," Hephaistion agreed. "It made no real difference – then." Alexander turned to look at him, strange light in his eyes. Hephaistion shifted under his stare, noting unconsciously that he was leaning on the same pillar as some time before. He stepped away from it, hoping his expression did not give him away.

"Cassander has spoken to me of… very strange things, lately."

Hephaistion's gaze shot up from the tiles he had been currently staring at. "Cassander's news are usually ones with a great amount of bizarre embedded in them," he said somewhat bitterly.

Alexander snorted, pushing up from the railing he had been leaning on. Like a predator, he advanced Hephaistion. He smiled when his lover did not back away, meeting him as bravely as any enemy on the battlefield. His hands played with the hair on Hephaistion's shoulders for a while, slowly moving up to his face, back down to his neck. "He said that you have been unfaithful to me. My loyal, dear Hephaistion." Their eyes met, holding each other. "He has nerves, does he? To claim a thing like that. To make it sound like a crime… a betrayal." Hephaistion swallowed under the thumb caressing his neck. "You, of all people… You could be my ruin, my downfall. You know that. I know that. Yet I make nothing to change it," Alexander practically purred. "Why is that?"

"Because I would never betray you," Hephaistion answered with a small voice. He tried not to tremble beneath the other's hold. _Get a grip of yourself!_ he commanded, but it was no use.

"No," Alexander shook his head. "Because I love you. And when you love, you will suffer the consequences." He caressed the cheekbones he knew so well, his eyes shining. "And with killing you, I would kill myself. Because you, too, are Alexander." That statement was sealed with a deep kiss. "Cassander should watch his forked tongue," Alexander whispered, holding his shivering lover close. "It will make him lose his head, one day." He looked at Hephaistion, smiling again. "Do not miss the feast," he reminded, eyeing his companion up and down.

"I will be there," Hephaistion answered, his eyes following the shorter man as the king left his rooms. He stood motionless for long minutes, staring at the door, expecting it to open again at any moment. It did not, however.

"Hephaistion?" came a timid call, Ptolemy's hands firm and reassuring upon the other man's shoulders. "Are you –"

With a shuddery breath, Hephaistion turned to Ptolemy, practically collapsing in his arms. The other man held him, and burying his face to Ptolemy's still bare chest, Hephaistion wept.

_to be continued…_

**

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Author's Note:** Well, this chapter was a pretty good foretaste to the next (and the final) chapter. It made me emotional, at least. You? Tell me, people! This is your _almost_ final chance to do so! Well, this chapter was a pretty good foretaste to the next (and the final) chapter. It made me emotional, at least. You? Tell me, people! This is your final chance to do so! 


	19. Chapter 18

**Author's Note: **Many thanks to Kitt of Lindon of betaing this!

During this chapter, you could listen track 14: Chant, from Alexander's soundtrack (track 15 is also pretty good to catch the mood. Or maybe Albinoni's Adagio? ;). Put it on repeat and enjoy! Death is such a lovely game…

This is the final chapter:

* * *

**Chapter 18**

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_#If I have ever hated any other place more than India, it is Ecbatana. Nothing wrong with the city. Just the memories. My personal demons feast there every day as I look back at that time. I have shed more tears for the memory of that place than to any other's. I will shed them now, as I write this. It is inevitable, and I fight it no more. _

_I lost him there. Actually, we lost them both. Alexander just followed him later, months after. But inside, he was as cold as Hephaistion's great pyre that was built for his memory. The flame burned too bright to last for long. And with its warmth gone, my resolve failed.#_

Hephaistion stared out to the capital of Media. It reminded him distantly of Babylon, though there was little to compare the two cities with each other. Asian culture was visible, and that possibly made them look alike in his eyes. Yet Ecbatana was different. Smiling to himself, he shook his head. Why to compare cities with each other? They never stayed in one long enough to grow fond of it. The places he loved and missed he would hardly see ever again. _Why to lie? I have done so for many years now, but today… Today is different. No more lies. I will never see Pella. I will never breathe Macedonian air. I will never see any of those places my heart yearns to reunite with. It hurts, but it is the truth._ He frowned, tracing a carved wall of his room. _Why is it so that the truth hurts more than the lies? That we lie to ease the pain. Or is it so_ after _we have lied, and then forced to face the reality…_

The door was opened, and Hephaistion turned to look at a young servant. The boy bowed at him shakily, lowering a tray to a bedside table. A cup, with bottles of water and wine. The boy even forgot to bow in his haste to leave, closing the door with a sharp bang.

Hephaistion shook his head, his smile dry of all emotions beside irony. He had learned to see the signs during his years beside Alexander, and this attempt was so visible it made him want to laugh. Or go after the boy and teach him some proper ways to deliver death.

He did not do either.

Turning back to the city, he noticed a group of men walking beneath his window. Laughter echoed from the stone-walls, every single voice familiar to Hephaistion. He had fought with these men many times. When a boy, he had looked up at some of them with wonder as they commanded Philip's army. Now they served Alexander. Generals of his father, and those of his own age, walking together as if they shared something to unite them. And today, they probably did.

Cassander was the one to look up, to boldly meet his eyes. For a moment Hephaistion wondered it he had already killed the servant, or paid him sick. Either way, it did not matter.

Hephaistion had known this day would come quickly after Alexander had named him his _chiliarch_. It was another obstacle for Alexander's opponents to overcome if they wished to gain power. And most of the greatest opponents walked right beneath his window, at the moment.

_Yet it is not their decision, but mine alone. Maybe this was a point when they decided to send the boy in, after all_, Hephaistion snorted. _Maybe I should laugh, indeed._ He turned away from the window and slowly walked to the low table. _They offer me the way, an escape on a silver plate_, the thought wryly, his fingers caressing the silver tray. _I give them… a solution._

"Water or wine?" he pondered aloud, chewing his lip. "Oh well, better to be certain," he finally huffed, taking the cup to his hand and filling it with both, wine and water. His every movement was unhurried, as if savouring the moment. His hands did not tremble. He was in no hurry.

He sniffed at the liquid, actually surprised when he smelled nothing out of ordinary. It would have only added the irony of all this, after all. It would have sealed this all very nicely. But he did not complain. However it was, this was the moment. _His_ moment. "Your toast, Ptolemy!" he began, deciding to take out all the possible absurdity of the situation. "May it be as bitter as my love for you." He stood still, cup in his hand. Something was missing, still. Something was lacking. "Do I not want to live forever, in imperishable glory?" he murmured, his eyes suddenly full of tears he had promised not to shed. "No Alexander, the answer is no," he swallowed, lifting the cup to his lips. "But I will always love you, and only you. I am yours, in life and death."

The first taste of liquid betrayed nothing, and for a moment he was afraid he had been deceived. But after another mouthful, he felt it. He emptied the cup swiftly, clenching his eyes shut. He filled another, just to be sure. After a third swallow he was unable to take more. He lowered the half-empty agent of death back to its place on the tray, and sat down onto the bed. He longed to go and take a one more look at the world outside, but he was not sure if he could make it.

After a moment he finally gathered the courage to stand up and walk to the windows, every step harder than the last. But he made it, leaning heavily on the frame. How grey it all looked, now. Or maybe his eyes were failing. A sob escaped from him, and after it came the tears, freely now. He didn't even know for what or to whom he was crying. Maybe to his own, pitiful end. _I couldn't even reach the glory of Patroclos' death_, he lamented, sliding down to the floor.

Everything seemed to fall silent, as if waiting the right moment to wake him with applause. Hephaistion closed his eyes, trying to breath evenly, but his chest burned. The wall was cool under his forehead, speaking of rising body-heat. He only hoped they had picked a swift poison: he had done enough for them in the past to deserve an easy death.

There was a knocking sound from the door. _Go away_, Hephaistion snarled in his head. _Can't one even die in peace?_ Apparently not, because there was a new set of knocks, more insistent this time. _Leave_, he begged. _This one moment I want for myself, and to no one else…_

"Hephaistion?" came a muffled call from the other side of the door. The voice sounded distant in Hephaistion's ears, but it seemed to clear some of the haziness in his thoughts, also. "Hephaistion, are you there?" the voice called out again. "I know it is early, but I wished to speak with you before the feast…" There was a pause, as if the person on the other side was waiting for an answer.

'Go away', Hephaistion mouthed. But if he guessed correctly, the person at the door would not leave by such a command. He blinked, trying to force the tears back. The fingers of his left hand curled on the stone to a verge of pain, but it took a rather long time before he actually felt anything. How slowly the death could come when one waited for it… The door was opened and Hephaistion was able to tell when the other man came in line of sight with him. There was an audible gasp and hurried steps. _Curse Ptolemy and his good timing._

"Hephaistion! What is wrong with you? Are you sick?" Ptolemy asked as he moved Hephaistion to lean against his body. The other's skin was burning with fever. "Hephaistion?" he shook the other gently, trying to coax a reaction from it. This was far from what he had expected to find from the other's rooms.

Hephaistion turned his head slowly to meet the other's worried eyes. He actually managed to smile. "It is over soon…"

"I will get a doctor," Ptolemy decided, seeing Hephaistion's pale face and hollow eyes. But the hand that grabbed his shoulder was firm enough to stop him from leaving.

"No…"

"Hephaistion, please! You are ill," Ptolemy tried, knowing that reasoning with the other would probably lead to nowhere. Hephaistion shook his head, his fingers burying to Ptolemy's skin. "What is wrong with you?" he asked, realising he was not going anywhere before Hephaistion would allow him.

"I… mixed the wine with the water…" Hephaistion said dreamily, smiling to himself. "I had to be sure… But your toast was as bitter as I thought it to be."

_Poison_, Ptolemy guessed immediately. He looked around, spotting the items on the bedside table. _They finally did it. And Hephaistion drank it._ "Why did you –"

"Don't ask," Hephaistion stopped him gently. "You know the answer."

Ptolemy didn't think he did, but refused to argue. "Let's get you to bed." He gave the other no time to answer before picking them both up from the floor. It was not easy to support Hephaistion's limp weight, but he managed to get him to the bed and under covers. He directed one, loathing look at the cup still partially filled with liquid, but knew there was nothing to be done. "I'll get the doctor…" he muttered.

Once again, Hephaistion caught Ptolemy before he was able to leave. This time it was not bodily restrain, but words. "Please, stay, Ptolemy," he called out. _Isn't it strange when you suddenly don't want to be alone? But why to die unhappily, if you have a chance…_ Ptolemy turned to look at him, already half-way on the door. "I don't want to be alone… I don' t want to die alone." It was enough to send the other man back to his side.

"You are not going to die," Ptolemy hushed, brushing sweaty strands away from his lover's face as he sat on the side of the bed.

"Soon… It will be over soon," Hephaistion corrected him. He hoped he would have possessed enough strength to lift his hand and touch the other man, but his body was betraying him with every second that passed. _How very ironical, this. My body is a tool of my sin, my greatest crime against the man I love. And now even that tool is incapable. Yet I can still make lies, those beautiful lies. But no longer to myself. No more lies..._ "Ptolemy… You have to promise me something."

Ptolemy nodded, his eyes yet defiant. "What do you want me to do?"

"Take care of Alexander. I fear for nothing else. Protect him, as you have now. I can… no longer do that… for either of you," Hephaistion said brokenly. "My time has come. Not maybe the way I would have imagined it, but… This will do." He nodded sternly.

"I…" Ptolemy closed his mouth before he said another word. His eyes found the cup again, mind catching Hephaistion's earlier words. _" Your toast was as bitter as I thought it to be."_ He moved his gaze back at the man on the bed, but was unable to meet his eyes. Guilt ate him from within. "Did you do this for me? Because of us?" Suddenly there was a hand on his face, turning him to meet the pained, blue eyes. The fingers trembled, speaking of power that was fading, and he covered them swiftly with his own, wishing to maintain the contact as far as possible.

"Do you see regret in me? In my eyes? Did I ever tell you to stop, to not touch me?" Hephaistion demanded, his voice coming out as a hiss.

_Did I ever…_ "No," Ptolemy whispered.

Hephaistion nodded, his body relaxing on the bed. "Take care of him. I know you will, but it makes me feel easier if I have your word," he swallowed slowly, trying to fight the trembling that was taking over his body. "I can die in peace, even if every moment of my death is a beg for his forgiveness…"

"I will watch over him," Ptolemy promised, removing the sweaty hand from his cheek and kissing it softly. "You must know the crime you did against him was not anything he hasn't done towards you…"

"One wrong doesn't justify the other."

Ptolemy had to close his eyes, tears threatening to break through. After he had controlled himself he kissed the hand still on his lips one more time, then lowered it back to the bed. "I will…"

Hephaistion nodded, understanding. "One more thing… Could you find Alexander?"

Ptolemy smiled. He understood why Hephaistion wanted to share his last moments with the man he loved. "Will you tell him? Confess everything?"

"It would condemn you."

"And ease your pain."

"I am the one dying here."

Ptolemy did not laugh. His eyes remained serious, just like those staring at him. "You will tell him." The answer was in Hephaistion's eyes, clearly spoken with his tears. Ptolemy leaned closer to him, his voice barely above a whisper. "I understand. And whatever he will decide… I die knowing one thing: either of us did not regret. Not a single day. Not a single hour." He sealed his promise with a soft kiss, which Hephaistion gladly accepted. The touch of their lips was short but intense, the feel of it lasting long after. "He has the right to know," Ptolemy finished, trying to steady his shaking voice. "And you have the right for peace. A peace only truth can give." Then he stood up, with a one more touch of hands. He did not say the words. They did not matter. Not anymore.

_#Those who love too much, lose everything. Those who love with irony, last. You can easily guess which one of those I did. The fact I never said the words to him does not mean I never felt it. Now that I have come this far, had this through my head one more time, I know it. _

_I loved him. I still do._

_I went to search for a doctor, hoping Hephaistion would still be alive when Alexander would be found. When all the arrangements were made, I did not dare to return to the room I had left some time earlier. I did not tell Alexander, either. I send someone else to do it. After I knew all possible was done, I wondered through the halls of Ecbatana like a ghost without destiny. I did not think. I did not shed tears._

_When I finally returned to Hephaistion's room, Alexander was already inside. I wished he would say the right words, once in his life. Alexander was a great king and general, but in affairs of love he usually lacked. For once, I prayed him, say the right words to Hephaistion. Give him an end he deserves._

_A great amount of men had gathered near the door, waiting anxiously. Soldiers, servants, other generals... Like vultures, knowing they would soon feed upon a new body. I was disgusted by them. I wanted to turn away, to lock myself into some dark, small room and let it all out. Frustration. Self-hatred. Pain. None of those has lacked up to this day. I doubt they ever will._

_The moment of his death must have been painful. I saw it in his still-open eyes as we rushed into the room in a wake of Alexander's screams. All the city knew in a fraction of a moment that something great had happened. Some celebrated, I am sure. Opened a new cask of wine, red as his blood. Drank upon it and thought about the amount of power they had just gained. And how wrong they all were. So wrong it made some of the pain of his passing seem compensated. Alexander named none after him._

_Liars, he called us. At that moment I knew Hephaistion had not managed to tell him. Alexander called us liars, and was more than right when he blamed us of hating him. It matched most in that room. But what more strongly spoke of his ignorance was that he did not kill me as I tried to draw him away from Hephaistion's body. He merely accused me, like he accused everyone else._

_Later, when the situation had calmed some and Alexander had retired in his grief, I went back to Hephaistion. I closed his eyes and sat next to him for hours. Then I wept. If someone had come in, they would have seen a friend mourning another's passing. Maybe Alexander could have seen the difference. I was not bothered, however. It did not matter, either. I would have welcomed death, that day. It was also the last time I kissed him. As cold as his lips were, I imagined he felt it, my goodbye._

_There is no word for the emotion Alexander suffered after Hephaistion's death. Perhaps they will make one, later. He was as a man possessed. After a moment of grief, he moved on. There is nothing to compare in the bloodshed that took place during his next few campaigns. That blood, by no mistake, flowed to Hephaistion's memory. It is more significant in my eyes than the huge pyre build in Babylon._

_We lost Alexander on the day of Hephaistion's passing. As I had known years before, he was impossible to control after he lost his lover and long time companion. When the time came, at June 323, I broke my promise to Hephaistion. I was there, that night, when Alexander drank the poison set into his wine. I did not aid in killing him, but I acted in no ways against it. I allowed it to happen._

_I think he knew. They way he looked at us told everything. Perhaps he was ready, too._

_Everyone knows I took Alexander's body to Egypt to bury – against the wills of everyone else. Few know, however, that I also brought Hephaistion's remnants there. It cost me much, but at least I was able to set them in their eternal rest together._

_Why?_

_To buy myself their forgiveness? To get peace myself?#_

"I don't know…" Ptolemy muttered to himself, lowering the pen. "Of course I do, but I have no words for that, either." He smiled, drawing his free hand across his features. He did not encounter skin of an young man, but wrinkles of one old. He felt old, today. Glancing down at the parchment in from of him, now half-written, he tried to decide if the end was good enough. It would never be 'perfect', but 'good enough' he could suffer with.

Some of the lines would make no sense to an outer observer, unbalanced and without real meaning. But to him, they meant everything. Towards the end, the string of story broke into paragraphs separated from each other, but he had not the power to make it perfect. After Hephaistion's death, all he had known was some state of chaos.

He read through the lines again, frowning to himself. He could see imprints of tears, staining the ink at places. There were a lot of stains like that, on the other pages as well. "What about the end…" he mumbled, his fingers searching the table. He encountered the bracelet, bringing it to his lips. "Ah. Exactly. There is no end, not just yet. _I_ am still alive." He smiled and put away the pen, glancing out from the windows.

It was already dark outside. Some of the servants must have entered while he had been writing, lighting lamps near the desk. They gave the room a golden glow, shadows flittering across the walls as a breeze made its way inside, taunting the flames. In shadows, he imagined he saw pictures. Visions of past.

"Have you forgiven me, Hephaistion? For breaking the promise I gave you, on your death-bed," he spoke to the chill air, eyes following the ever-changing shadows. "You knew the events would come to that, eventually. A fool could have seen it, and you weren't one. Maybe you just wanted to end it sooner. To rest for a while." He chuckled. "Your rest is endless, my dear. Peace, I hope, is now your lullaby, a music that guides you to sleep."

He stood up, ignoring the protests of his body. He collected the pages laying across the desk, putting them in order with slow dedication. "All these years, in front of my eyes… But what do they mean, when I have it all in here?" he asked, tapping a finger against his head. "These are but shadows of the true life…" He lowered the papers again, reaching out for the bracelet. Gently he slipped it around his wrist, caressing its surface, eyes distant. "Every moment… and I regret none," he mumbled, gaze falling at the pile of parchments. His eyes narrowed, head tilting to a side. "Why to bother, all these hours? When I have all the memories in my head?"

Silence was all that followed, as expected. He was alone, after all. A smile spread over his features, gentle and secret. "This is just part of the process," he concluded, taking the papers to his hands again. Walking across the room, he put out the lamps and torches. When he reached the balcony beyond the doors on the other end of the room, he gazed to the night for a moment, pulling air to his lungs. "It is a good thing you died before Alexander. It would have been a shame to have you live to see the war our kinsmen made over his kingdom. But had you lived, you might have been a king…" His ironic expression was hidden in the dark. "But you chose freedom: of duty, of love, of lies. I just wonder… If you could have, would you have taken Alexander with you, that day? It might have been better, than leave him here, just a part of him still alive… But now you are both in eternal rest."

Turning slowly, he returned to his own bedchamber, a single fire lighting it. "Have you forgiven me, Alexander? Your best friend, who took your lover to his bed as his own. Will you ever forgive me that? Will you embrace me, like a brother, now that you know? We shall see…" He halted beside the fire, staring at the darkness opening beyond it. "Soon, like you said, Hephaistion. But there are few more things to be done, before we shall meet again." The shadows seemed to dance around him. "Will you accept me into your arms again, Hephaistion? Shall I find your forgiveness, and feel love again? Your love, for no else I desire…"

Pursing his lips, Ptolemy looked down at the papers in his hands. "It is time to burn the bridges. Gateways of denial and lies shall fall. All this work I made for one reason: to understand. And now I do." He closed his eyes, trying remember the smell of Hephaistion's skin, the feel of his heat against him. "I love you. I never said the words, but back then they would have wronged you in a way unimaginable." He glanced at the papers again. "Should I build a pyre for these memories? Would it dry my tears like yours once did, when I stood so close to it that the flames burned my face..."

With a stoned expression, he lifted the first parchment. It caught the flame quickly, making no sound as it burned to ashes. Letting it fall to the shallow bowl, Ptolemy took another page and set it on fire. Years after years burned before his eyes and turned to embers. His memories, put in words, vanishing to the air. "They never knew what was between us. Neither shall they now, not through my lips. Not through my hands. It is a secret we both carry to our graves." Finally he held the last page. He hesitated for a moment, thinking about adding something. To make it perfect. Instead he dropped it to the fire, smiling for the first time since the first page had caught the flames. "We were never perfect."

Finished with his task, he went to the wide bed on the other end of the room. Sliding out of his clothes, he drew himself under the rich covers. He stared at the embroidery on the canopy above. He had once taken hours to follow each curve. Tonight, he had lost interest. He had seen it enough times to let it be. Slowly his right hand sought the bracelet again, resting upon it. Lowering his gaze, he stared at the foot of his bed. If he was waiting something, he did not have to do so for long.

Like a golden glow, a shape appeared before him. It might have been completely his imagination, and even if it was, he cherished it more than any living thing for years. He could actually smell him. "Hephaistion," he whispered brokenly at the glowing form. A soft laugh echoed through the air, distant and yet so familiar. A call of a past. The figure moved to the side of the bed, sitting down on the edge of it. Ptolemy did not feel the pressure on the mattress, but it was not his concern. He saw Hephaistion, and it was all that mattered. "Hephaistion," he whispered again.

Hephaistion smiled, their eyes meeting. Ptolemy felt a hand upon his, upon the bracelet. The touch was warm, comforting. _"It is time"_, Hephaistion said, his words like music in Ptolemy's ears. He looked back, suddenly, and when the pharaoh followed his gaze, he saw another shape.

"Do I have your forgiveness, Alexander? May I join you?" Ptolemy asked. There were tears in his eyes when the other familiar figure nodded, then faded from his sight. Afraid that he had lost them both, Ptolemy swiftly turned to look aside. Hephaistion was still there, smiling down at him. There was a touch of sadness on his face, one that Ptolemy had grown accustomed during their long years together. But now all the pain was gone. "Very soon," he whispered, receiving a nod from his long-gone lover. Hephaistion tugged his hand as he rose, like a God above him, and then walked to the open doors of the balcony and beyond. He looked back, smiling. Ptolemy's eyes lost the sight of him, but his heart knew he was still there. Waiting.

With a deep intake of breathe, Ptolemy relaxed on the mattress, his fingers again caressing the bracelet. He smiled, closing his eyes, knowing all he was supposed to do was done. He had witnessed men greatest of his time, and his part was done. He felt peace. _And again we shall be united._

A wind blew out the torch still burning in the middle of the room, and all that remained was darkness.

**The End**

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Perfect. You saw that? "The End". Finally. After all these months, we finally have reached it. "_The End_". This is such a relief for the author, and I guess it is so for the readers as well! I will miss this story, I know. Maybe enough to extend it, someday. After all, there isn't too many stories of Hephaistion and Ptolemy (I haven't seen many, that is). And this story is definitely the best from me, this far. It will be always close to my heart.

About Hephaistion's remnants: I completely made that up! But I thought it was a nice detail…

Remember to review, and so on. It is always nice to know if the last chapter (especially in a fic like this) put the finishing touch to the story, so to say. All feedback is welcome! I will try to respond to you people in person, but there will be always answers in the end of the chapter itself too!

Bye for now, until the next story it up! _#bows and fades back#_

* * *

Charon: In Trust of No One

_Your lover is dead in your game._

_Rush to nowhere in a land of crippled lies._  
_Call me Jesus and they'll crucify._  
_Blood is blood when a word can tear you down._  
_Burn you to ashes with the look._  
_Love to make you the queen of godless._

_Pain is pain when a world will bring you down._  
_Turn to tame my will as you crave._  
_Scent of a game in a world beyond my touch._  
_Called you angel and they crucified._

_In trust of no one the treason is wearing your name._  
_Your life is a desperate game._  
_This I believe in, the stronger my faith fades away._  
_Your lover is dead in your game._

* * *

Charon: If

_How frail you are?_  
_Dreams are hollow if you fall._  
_Can you take this from yourself,_  
_love the race you faced,_  
_yet it's done and you're not here_  
_and end of the line stands:_

_"If I die alone",_  
_won't you bring me to the one who said;_  
_"It is done", when I loved no one._  
_And if you try the same,_  
_let me guide you to the place I drowned my past_  
_and I'll show you why._

_Rain like a sigh,_  
_falling needles on my path._  
_Can you swear these word unspelled,_  
_love the race you made_  
_yet it's done and you're not here_  
_and end of the line stands:_

_"If I die alone",_  
_won't you bring me to the one who said;_  
_"It is done", when I loved no one._  
_And if you try the same,_  
_let me guide you to the place I drowned my past_  
_and I'll show you why._


End file.
